“Don’t,” she said. “You don’t get to demand my story.”
“No. I’m not demanding it. You damn silly girl, I am asking you to share yourself with me because I care. Because I care about you. Because I am the first man that you’ve...done this with. Because I can see that you’ve been hurt... And I want to know... I want to know everything.”
“What good does it do? What good would it do if they all knew that this was how I looked? That this is what happened to me. That it’s never gonna get any better. What good would it do. Just easier to keep people at arm’s length. It’s easier to keep them away. It’s easier because...”
“Arizona,” he said, his voice rough. “I want to know. More. All of it. It isn’t to gawk at you. It’s because I want to know you. I want to know what hurts you, sweetheart. I want to know you.”
“You’re leaving,” she said. “What fucking good does it do, Micah? What good would it ever do? You left me. You left me, and my life fell apart. I loved you,” she said, her voice vibrating with conviction. “I loved you. I gave you my first kiss. I gave you everything. I loved you. And you thought that you did me a favor by not having sex with me. As if that was the thing that protected me. But you let me love you and then you left me. I told you how difficult things were with my dad. I shared with you how I felt alone sometimes, and how difficult it was for me...without my mother. Without everything. You knew that. You were the only person who ever did, and then you left. You left me,” she repeated. “And it hurts. It hurts so damned badly, Micah. There was no one here to save me and I had to save myself.”
“Sweetheart. I did not want to leave you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You did. You did. I was broken. I was broken. I went driving down the highway too fast, sobbing my eyes out at night...”
“I caused you to have an accident.”
“Yes,” she said, the venom in her words hard and angry. “You did. You did this to me. You broke me, and then broke me even more. And I am ruined. And I keep it hidden from everybody. Because I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Because I’m pitiable. I fell apart and I got stitched back together. My body was broken. My insides were falling out of me. I... I’ll never get over that. I’ll never get over it. I nearly died. And I don’t even know how to cry about it or feel anything about it. Because I’m just supposed to be grateful that I’m okay. And everybody thinks that I healed. But nobody knows what I look like. Nobody knows that I carry around all this stuff.”
He knew enough about her family to guess that if one of them put up walls...no one would try too hard to get over them. They seemed to take emotional distance to a new level.
And that would leave Arizona alone in her pain.
“I know,” he said. “And I want to know more. I’m so sorry. I’m so...”
“Don’t. I didn’t want to be pitied, and I didn’t want to explain myself. What I wanted, all I wanted, was to rip this damned Band-Aid off. You were supposed to fuck me back then and you didn’t. I would’ve been prettier. So now you had to fuck me messed up.”
“I don’t think you’re messed up.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m hella messed up. And there’s no fixing it. I don’t want this. All these feelings. I can never give you that. I can never give you me. Not ever again. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it.” She dressed, covering her scars. But he felt them. Burned into his soul.
He felt the consequences of her knowing him all those years ago burrow beneath his skin and make him sick.
This was his fault. In so many ways, this was his fault.
“Arizona...”
“Fuck off,” she said. And then she gathered all her things, and ran out of the cabin.
She didn’t take his truck. She just ran.
And he was left with shattered glass were his heart used to be.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
SHE DID WHAT she did. She ran. She was so good at this. At venom. At anger.
About half a mile from the cabin she collapsed. Fell onto the ground and just started to cry.
Because telling the story of her accident had opened up all those scratchy old wounds. Not the ones on her body. The worst ones. The ones in her heart. The ones in her soul.
How much she had loved him and how much it had hurt. How terrifying it had been. The way her dad had looked at her in the hospital bed.
“Stupid move. Could’ve gotten yourself killed. Would’ve been your own stupid fault.”
She hadn’t deserved to complain. Hadn’t deserved to cry. Because it was her fault. And he was right. So she’d gotten angry instead. At everyone.
“Don’t expect pity because you’re a cripple.” Her dad said that once when she was still recovering. Limping. It was why she put so much effort into never showing pain even if her old injuries did hurt her.
He wasn’t cruel. That was the thing. He had always been there, he didn’t hit people, not like the patriarch of the McCloud family. Hadn’t abandoned them when they were kids like the father in the Sullivan clan.
No. He had been there. His words a dagger that had ground her inadequacy soul deep. She had learned to push back. To create a barrier around herself so that she wouldn’t be quite so raw.
He hadn’t had the decency to hit them with his fists. To leave marks on their skin. He’d just left them on their souls. Made it so they were so battered they couldn’t feel right. Not anymore.
And then Daniel... That sweet boy. Daniel was here, and she had connected with him. And Micah was here and she... She wanted him.
It made her want to be soft. It made her want to be different. But she was afraid that it was too late. And wasn’t that the most unfair thing. And it was impossible. It was all impossible. Because this was the only thing she knew how to do. She didn’t know how to soften. She didn’t know how to let her guard down. She didn’t know how.
“Arizona.”
She looked up, and he was standing there.
“What are you doing out here?”
“I made a mistake all those years ago. I left you. And I never should’ve left you. I was misguided. I wanted to do the right thing for my son. In the end, what I was actually trying to do was make something that looked like normal. Because I didn’t have it growing up. So I thought it was what I had to do. It didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make him happy. I thought about calling. I thought about trying to explain myself to you. But the bottom line is, I was afraid you would be disappointed in me. I really was. I was afraid that you wouldn’t want to be with a man who’d made that kind of a mistake. Had a kid with somebody else. Especially while I was here falling for you. I was ashamed. I figured you were here having a better life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was one of the people that hurt you. I am sorry that everything has been hard.”