I pulled on the ties of my jacket and slipped my arms from its remains. It had suffered during the battle and was torn and singed and stained with blood and sweat, but it was all I had to give. I held it out to her, and Coby snatched it from me. She didn't thank me.
"I have a favour to ask you," I said.
Coby snorted. "You aren't forgiven. You killed my sister."
"So, did you." I couldn't keep the anger from my voice. Blame and hate we both shared and misdirected. A cycle neither of us could escape as long as we lived. "So did your mother. It doesn't matter anymore, Coby."
What are you planning, Eskara?
"When you recover. Take Josef with you, please. I don't know what's wrong with him, but maybe Mezula will."
"Why should I do anything you want?" Coby snarled the words.
"Don't do it for me. Do it for him. Josef had nothing to do with Silva's death, he never even met her." An odd thing to realise just then, but my best friend had never met the woman I loved. I wished they could have. I have a feeling they would have gotten on well. "And if it helps, I'm sorry, Coby." I've never been very good at apologising, but that one felt right. "I am truly sorry."
I moved closer to the hole and the storm that raged within it. So close, I could look down into the depths and feel the charge pulling at my hair. I closed my eyes and swayed there, feeling the call of the void. Maybe it was Lesray Alderson's lasting curse, or maybe I have always felt the desire to end it all. To take away the pain and the suffering. To just stop.
Step back.
My eyes snapped open and I realised I was leaning over the edge, nothing more than an errant breeze away from toppling. I lurched back a step and drew in a ragged breath. I was readying myself for what was to come. Building both my courage and my determination.
What is this, Eskara? I will not allow you to kill yourself.
"Can you feel it, Ssserakis?" I asked. "The world is thinner here. Closer to the other. Can you feel your home?"
I can always feel it. It pulls at me. Steals my thoughts. You cannot understand the constant pressure trying to tear me in two. I must cling to you to remain here or the pull of my world will destroy me.
"I feel it too. Is it because of you that Sevoari feels more like home than my own world?" I was stalling, afraid to take the next step. Scared of saying goodbye.
Are you saying you can take us there? Can we return home?
Us. When had Ssserakis stopped thinking of itself as separate? When had I? The ancient horror had been with me for so long now I sometimes struggled to tell our thoughts apart. We had escaped the Pit and made our way to Ro'shan. We had brought Kento into the world and grieved at her loss. For a time, I thought Ssserakis had no connection to my children, but the lie of that was obvious. Ssserakis had grieved for Kento even when I refused to. Together, we fought against Silva and then threw every last bit of ourselves at Aerolis. It had not been Ssserakis' grief that had driven it into a frenzy in our struggle against the Djinn, but the horror had reacted to my pain. We raised an army together, and my horror had suffered for my time down in the Red Cells as surely as I had. It was not physical torture that pained it, but the agony of separation. I had tried to spare Ssserakis my torment, but only provided it with its own by keeping us apart. My second child, Sirileth… I sometimes think she is as much Ssserakis' daughter as my own, she certainly shares many of the horror's traits. And finally, our struggle against the Iron Legion. I could not have managed without Ssserakis. In all the events great and small, ever since the Pit, Ssserakis had been there with me. Support, advice, strength. The horror had given me all three in surplus.
The embodiment of fear, anxiety. Mine. And now I feared to let it go.
There is no need to fear, Eskara. Ssserakis did not understand. Sevoari is not like this world. It is simpler. Here we are strong, but there we will be unmatched! We will retake our rightful place as lord of Sevoari, and teach the others for ever doubting our return.
I raised my left hand, a shadowy mimic of bone, each talon dripping with darkness. I drew on the Portamancy Source and the Impomancy Source at once, mixing the magic inside and directing the power through that arm. It was Ssserakis' connection to Sevoari that allowed me to find the realm, and my power that tore open a new hole in the world. Something that had never been done before. A portal to Sevoari.
Through that portal I could see the Other World. A lightless grey expanse. Everything in that place seemed to have softer edges than our world. There was a city in the far distance, lifeless and dull. It was Ssserakis' home, the place it had once ruled from. Where the light from our world spilled through the portal, the life in the Other World shied away. Blades of grass leaned from the portal and I saw small insects scurrying away, fleeing. The edges of the portal seemed to burn as though the contact of the two worlds was causing a violent combustion, and the sound was like a river made of roaring flame.
We will be a dark queen. Even Hyrenaak will bow before us. I could feel the truth of those words. Ssserakis' power was limited by the laws of Ovaeris, but in Sevoari, who knew what we could become.
"You'll need to be quick," I said. "The portal will not stay open for long." I drew on the Arcmancy Source in my stomach and set lightning crackling around my right hand. I could feel it tingling across my skin, the charge would be deadly.
What do you mean? Step through, Eskara. We will take our rightful place at the pinnacle of Sevoari.
"I'm not going, Ssserakis." I could feel fresh tears welling in my eyes. "I don't belong there any more than you belong here. I fear what we might become if we went there together."
But I cannot leave you, Eskara. I am bound to you as long as you live.
I smiled. "I know." I tried to move my arm, to slap it against my chest and let the lightning stop my heart, only to find my shadowy hand locked around my wrist, holding it still.
I will not let you die, Eska. There was real emotion in Ssserakis' voice. Not just fear or pride, but sorrow and determination. Why sacrifice yourself? We can go together. We belong together.
"Let go, Ssserakis."
Fine. Close the portal. I'll stay here.
"Let go."
I don't want to leave you!
"I swore to send you home."
I've changed my mind. I don't want to go.
Still Ssserakis held my death back from me, the strength in my shadowy arm irresistible. "What about saving your world? The monster eating away at the heart of it."
Let it die. I would rather stay here with you.
A horror so ancient it could almost remember the birth of its world, yet in many ways Ssserakis was so childish. It meant what it said, it would let Sevoari die to stay with me. But that was not a decision I could live with. I stopped my resistance, stopped trying to fight the strength of my shadow, and instead tried reason.
"Ssserakis. You have to go. You said yourself none of the others have the strength or the will to resist Norvet Meruun. If you stay with me, that monster will destroy an entire world. Your world. Your home. You have to go. Resist it. Kill it."
Come with me! Please. A last-ditch effort on my horror's part. My decision was made, and I would not unmake it. I felt the shadowy talons uncurl from around my wrist, and a sullen silence settled between us.