"Be quick, Ssserakis." I smiled. "Save your world."
Eska…
I slammed my lightning wreathed hand against my chest and for a brief moment felt the pain of it as the lightning surged inside and shocked my heart into stillness. Then I was toppling backward, my vision already fading.
You won, Lesray. That insidious call you put in me so long ago, I finally gave in. But fuck you if I didn't make it mean something in the end.
Chapter 38
I woke with a gasp to confusion and pain. It took a while for things to make sense and most of that time was spent dealing with a body that had almost forgotten how to live. Slowly, my vision cleared, and my mind made sense of the things I saw.
A dark, swollen face hovered above my own. One eye was shut, a cut above it leaving a line of dried blood. The nose was bent and bulging at the bridge and there were red grazes across the cheeks and chin. So badly battered was it, that it took a moment for me to recognise it as Hardt. A smile split the face and my heart surged with joy to see such a thing.
A deep breath led to agony and convinced me I had at least one broken rib. There have been many times in my life I have envied Josef's innate Biomancy. His ability to heal from any wound within minutes far outstrips my own ability to raise ghosts.
"Can you hear me, Eska?" Hardt's voice sounded a little slurred, as though spoken through swollen lips.
I nodded, still trying to draw in enough breath without my chest feeling as though it were imploding. Still trying to understand why. Why was I alive? Why had they brought me back to this life of pain? I was lying on my back and everything hurt. My chest, my head, my arms. No. My shadowy arm was gone. I had only the one arm again.
"Ssserakis?" My first word was part question, part plea. I felt the emptiness inside and knew the truth of it. My horror was gone. Back to its own world, back to being a lord of Sevoari. I could not contain my grief at the knowledge, nor the despair that rose up in me. I was alone again. I didn't want to be alone. It hurt to cry. With broken ribs and a body bruised from the fight, it hurt so much. Yet I couldn't stop the tears. It is so strange that we can force a loved one to go, and yet feel so abandoned when they do. Of course, Hardt did not understand, but he did what has always come most natural to him. Hardt held me and provided safety and comfort and assured me everything would be alright. He couldn't know the lie of his words. Things could not be alright, could never be alright. A part of me was gone. I kept waiting for Ssserakis' voice inside my head, the mocking whisper of my horror's words. But there was nothing. Only the question rolling around in mind over and over again. Why did Hardt have to bring me back? It was over. All the pain and effort and grief. I had finally worked up the courage to end it, and I had made my death mean something. Hadn't I earned oblivion? And yet he dragged me back to this world of agony and noise and… I hated him a little for that. Even as I loved him for the same thing.
After a time, I realised I could see stars. Up past Hardt's shoulder where the roof had caved in, the sky waited. Night had settled upon us and it was a clear sky. Stars twinkled and at the edge of the hole, I could just about see Lursa in dominance over Lokar, her red bulk stark against the black of the void. Something about the sight of the sky settled me. It was a feeling I had thought lost. The sky no longer seemed like something oppressive to fear, but an open expanse of endless possibility. Freedom.
"What happened to your face?" I asked from the floor. I didn't try to move. The mere idea of it seemed an impossibility.
Hardt smiled again and winced at the same time. "You told Tamura to stop me. We had a disagreement."
"Is he…"
"Fine, fine, fine." Tamura said with a giggle. I turned my head to see the crazy old Aspect perched on top of a fallen rock, cradling an arm in a sling, and sporting a face as bruised as Hardt's. "Like a house without foundation." And I saw the stress hidden behind his madness. Both my friends were in bad shape, beaten and injured, and it was me who had set them against one another. I have since gleaned the details of that fight from both of them and I must say I am sad I missed it. And even more sad I caused it.
"I'm alive?" It was half a question. I had died, I was certain of it. I felt myself die.
Hardt nodded. "Brought you back myself, the same way you did me up on Do'shan."
"Why?" I asked, tears in my eyes. "Why couldn't you just let me die?" The crushing loneliness inside made me choke on the words.
Hardt rocked back and sat on his arse. He seemed to deflate, the strength fleeing him. "I couldn't. You've got too much to live for. No, don't argue with me. Just listen, Eska. For once in your life, just listen." He paused and grimaced. I said nothing. For once in my life, I said nothing.
"I know it's hard," Hardt continued. "You feel like everything is your fault. You try to take all the pain and guilt and grief, and make it your own. Ever since I met you down in the Pit, you've tried to protect us. You made yourself a target to take the heat from Isen, you stood up to Yorin when no one else would. You convinced us to try to escape, even when we called you crazy for it. And any time it didn't go well, you always blamed yourself. For your actions, for others', for things beyond anyone's control.
"I know how it makes you feel. Alone. Alone against the world. You feel like you have to take everyone else's burdens on your shoulders and yours alone. But you can't. Because you're not alone. You never have been. You have me, you have Tamura, you have Imiko. You have a daughter. You have Sirileth! We might not be perfect… We're not perfect. But we're here. We've always been here, right beside you. You're not alone, Eska!"
He was crying. I was crying. How did he know? How had he seen past all my defences right to my greatest fear? How did he know how to blot out that fear and make me feel… loved.
I cried then, really cried. I had no guard left, I had nothing to restrain me. I bawled out my pain and loss, and I cried in love and joy. I did it without reserve because I simply couldn't hold it in anymore. And all the while, Tamura held my hand, and Hardt gripped my shoulder. He was right. They had all been there with me, for me, every step of the way. Even when I tried to push them away, they had stayed with me. I might not deserve it. I didn't deserve it, didn't deserve them. But they were mine, all the same, and I was their's. And for all the pain of the life Hardt had brought me back to, he had also given me a second chance. A second chance to be a mother to my daughter. To be the mother for Sirileth that I should have been for Kento.
Hardt was right. About everything. One day, I imagine they'll write that on my tombstone.
"Josef…" The thought struck me so suddenly I tried to lurch upright. That was a bad idea. There is no relief from the pain of a broken rib, only the knowledge that it will get better with time. Time that never seems to move fast enough.
Hardt put two big hands on my shoulders and held me down. "We'll deal with moving you soon enough. Josef is alive. We think. It's really not that clear." Coby was gone, and she had ignored the one thing I asked of her. She left Josef here to die with me. But then, she owed me nothing.
"Can you help him?" A hard question to ask, especially of Hardt. The man who had killed his brother was in bad shape, and I was asking Hardt to help. I wonder if it crossed his mind that he could use the opportunity to kill Josef instead? Probably not. Hardt has always been better than I.