“What did he say to you?” Trey asks, his violet eyes narrowing.
“He just told me what you already know. Anyone I love will be marked for death,” I whisper, feeling overwhelming sadness hit me.
“I thought you were a fighter, Kricket,” Trey says. “You’re just going to give in to Kyon because he will retaliate if you don’t?”
“I am a fighter, Trey,” I say, pulling out of his embrace and straightening my spine. “But, I don’t want you here!”
“That’s not your decision, Kricket.”
“I’m making it my decision.”
“You need me and I’m staying here.”
“Not if I insist that you leave,” I reply, feeling instantly irritated with him because he’s totally ignoring the fact that I just told him that I love him.
“How will you argue for my reassignment with Manus?” Trey asks me quietly.
“I’ll just tell him that I’ve developed…certain feelings for you that makes it hard for me to be around you everyday.”
Seeing Trey try to suppress a frown, he glances away and says, “Manus won’t relieve me of my duties because you have a crush on me.”
“A…crush? Did you say a crush?” I want to hit him as my cheeks flood with color.
“Yes. You’re young and we have been in some very unorthodox situations together. It’s inevitable that certain feelings would arise, but…they’ll pass,” he states, like he’s a seasoned veteran when it comes to this kind of thing.
Closing my eyes, I want to die right here. My throat tightens. “You don’t think that I’m capable of love?”
“You’ve only known me a few rotations…you’re only a few floans old—you’ve been raised in the near absence of love, Kricket,” he says softly.
“Trey, you can tell me you don’t want my love or that you don’t love me, too, but don’t ever tell me what I feel or don’t feel,” I warn him, crossing my arms.
“You can’t love me,” he says seriously, looking like he’s in pain now. “It’s impossible.”
“It’s not impossible because I do love you,” I reply heatedly. When he just stares at me and doesn’t say anything, my heart throbs painfully in my chest. “Well,” I say quietly, “at least it’s just my heart, not yours. You should be relieved. Now you can be done here and go back to your life.” I walk to the door and open it for him. Looking straight ahead, I wait for him to walk through it.
“I’m not going to step aside. You need me here, especially with Kyon in residence,” Trey pauses on the threshold. “You’re just confused right now…it will pass.”
I raise my chin, feeling like he slapped me. “Lucky for me I have your wisdom to guide me.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Kricket, so save yourself the embarrassing conversation with Manus. We can talk about this when you’ve had time to think about it.”
“Can’t wait,” I reply, holding my breath until he leaves the room. Closing the door, I lean against it, wanting badly to pound my head against it for being so stupid. What did I expect from Trey I ask myself, a declaration of undying love? He loves someone else and I’m just a…what do they call it? A lurker.
“You’re pathetic,” I whisper to myself.
**
Unfortunately, I don’t have time to wallow in my pain. I spend the next several weeks wading through social gatherings at the palace. I fake smile at dinner parties, teas, and luncheons with the Regent, Rafe officials, and foreign dignitaries from Wurthem, Comantre, and Peney. I try to listen to every word that may have significance as to what’s happening within Rafe and outside its borders.
After each event, the Regent and I usually have a Q & A regarding who lied about what and what I was able to uncover covertly. And, if that’s not hard enough, these meetings always include Trey as my personal protection slash reminder that I suck at love. But, I look forward to these meetings in a sick, pathetic way because they are the few times that Trey and I say anything to each other. He asks me questions and I answer him, but when we’re alone, like in the skiff, neither of us has much to say.
That doesn’t mean that the common symmetry between us has gone away. On the contrary, now that we don’t talk, the attraction is all I can feel. I find myself counting when I am near him. I count how many times he glances at me or looks up when my name is mentioned. I count how rapid my breathing becomes when he walks into the room, or how much it slows when he leaves it.
Kicking off my heels and tossing my wrap on my bed, I reach up to try to catch the clasp on the exquisite necklace the Regent wanted me to wear to the dinner party this evening.
“Here, let me do that,” Aella says, swiftly releasing me from the heavy collar.
“Ahh, thank you,” I sigh, feeling like I can breathe again.
“This came for you while you were at dinner,” Aella says, handing me a card, while putting the necklace back in a box to take with her.
“Who is it from?” I hold still as Aella begins unhooking all the clasps on the evening gown of pale yellow satin.
“Ateur Braedan. He wants you to ride with him tomorrow.”
“Oh, that could be fun,” I murmur, having had a few riding lessons from my tutor, Tofer. “Is Victus going to be there, too?” Those two seem to always be together.
“No…he wants to ride with you alone,” she says, helping me step out of the gown.
My brow wrinkles. “Why?” I ask, while slipping into a pair of pajama bottoms Aella had made for me at my request. She also made up some thin t-shirts and tanks for me, but she always looks disapproving when I put one on, like now, because she says they make me look “human.”
“Probably because he desires you,” she replies, and I scoff, like she’s making a joke.
“Yeah, no, seriously, does it say?” I glance at the card.
“I am serious,” she smiles. “He’s sent several notes to you requesting to be your dinner partner or to take a stroll on the grounds with him.”
“He has?” I exclaim, shocked. “Why haven’t I seen them?”
“Security screened them,” she says, folding the gown in tissue and placing it in a box to be laundered.
“Security?” I ask, frowning.
“Mmm,” she says absently. “You get lots of stuff that never gets through. I had to send back a mountain of things from Haut Nim himself. Jewelry, furs, clothes, scents…you name it, he has sent it.”
“Haut Nim?” I ask.
“Haut Kyon,” Aella replies with an ironic expression. “He couldn’t get an audience with you if the entire Alameeda army shows up on the grounds, not that it stops him from trying everyday.”
“I thought he left,” I say honestly, feeling fear rush through me. “I haven’t seen him around.”
“The Regent agreed with Kesek Trey that Haut Kyon is too much for you to contend with while you’re trying to assimilate here. He’s been kept away for your protection,” Aella states, picking up the boxes. “Do you want me to agree to the ride with Ateur Braedan?”