Despite the fact that my legs are lead, each step heavier than the last, somehow I make my way toward him.
Still, the closer I get, the farther away he seems.
It’s my longest walk ever, and when I finally reach him, I collapse.
Curled in a ball on the ground, I turn my head toward Raevald’s perch, and I’m shocked to see he’s there. Staring down from high. Watching me.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and he’s vanished.
Only the Sun shines down.
The sole witness.
CHAPTER 18
TAP! TAP-TAP-TAP!
The noise goes from the front door to my bedroom window, back and forth. Unrelenting.
I sit straight up. It’s dark. I’m in Poppy’s bed. Had I dreamed it all?
“Poppy!” I shout. “Poppy!” I stand up and run from the room into the hallway, nearly smacking straight into Dorian, who flies around the corner from the kitchen.
I stop and double over, heaving breath, trying not to faint or vomit or both.
If Dorian’s in my house, it wasn’t a dream.
TAP! TAP-TAP-TAP!
It’s coming from my bedroom window.
“Stay here. Please.” Only capable of single syllables, I wave my hand in Dorian’s general direction.
Stumbling to my room, I pull the curtains back and there they are. Those brown eyes.
I open the window but don’t say a word, blocking Nico’s way.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“No.”
“Please, Veda, I have to talk to you.” The desperation in his voice, the longing in his expression, I almost break down. But I don’t. In this moment, for the first time since meeting him nine years earlier, I close Nico off. He’s not who I thought he was. I’m beginning to think I’m not who I thought I was either.
What I am sure of is that Nico is now on the same side as the people who killed my grandfather today.
And that’s enough to urge me to slide the window shut. My chest burns and my eyes sting from the insides out. Stay strong.
Nico slams his hand under the window frame, stopping me. He sticks his head in. “I’m so sorry I lied. So sorry.” He swallows what sounds like a sob. “So sorry about Poppy.”
Slowly, he pulls his head back out. He’s still wearing his Imperi uniform, his red sash now slightly creased from wear.
I shut the window.
We stand eye to eye, a thin pane of glass between us. I clutch the curtains but pause when Nico puts his palm to the glass. He mouths the word wait.
I glance away, then back to his eyes.
I open the window again and he leans in.
“You have to get out of here, Veda.”
“What?” It’s the last thing I expect him to say.
He’s hiding behind the tree in front of my window, but still glances over his shoulder. “There’s been talk of members of the Night acting as Basso. Spying.” He speaks quickly, quietly, like he’s sharing a dangerous secret. And perhaps he is. “I’m worried with what happened to Poppy today that somehow Raevald knows. Even if he doesn’t, it’s safer if you go back.”
All I can do is nod. He’s right. As much as I want to storm Imperi Hill myself, take Raevald down in a blaze of vengeance, even I know it’s not possible.
Not yet.
He scans the path in front of my house again. “I’m on my way to an emergency meeting now. All soldiers and Imperi officers are required to attend.”
I nod again, still dazed. Still so blurred.
“Veda,” he says, louder, and I jump. “Are you hearing me? You have to leave the island now.”
“Yes. You’re right, yes.”
He places his hands in his pockets. “I’ve got to go. I’m pushing it by being here at all.” I begin closing the window, but he keeps talking. “Just…” He steps closer to my house, leans in, our noses only inches apart. “I need you to know this wasn’t my decision, I had no control over being chosen as heir-to-be, but…” He pauses as if choosing his next words carefully. “I’d have joined anyway.” I can’t hear this right now, but don’t have an ounce of strength left to argue. “That early morning you disappeared, just a few hours after we fell asleep on your floor after cleaning your room…”
“Yes, I remember,” I say drily.
“That day you left with Dorian, when you joined the Night”—it’s dark, but I hear the anger and sadness in his tone, the way he snaps the word Night out like it’s a weapon—“it was the same day I got news I was in the running for heir. But I didn’t care about that, not then. All I could focus on was getting you back. Finding you alive or killing every one of those Night bastards who took you from me. So I joined.” He looks away, then back again. “I thought you were dead, Veda.” The word dead quakes in his throat. “Don’t you see? It was my best chance to either find you or get revenge on those who took you from me.”
Heat prickles in my dried-out eyes. “I’m sorry, Nico, but I can’t see that. Not right now anyway. I can’t begin to see how you’d join them in order to help me. And now you’ll eventually be in charge of them? All of them?” I shake my head, unable to accept the words even as they leave my own lips.
Nico opens his mouth to speak, probably to argue, but must decide against it because he doesn’t say a word, closing his lips with a sigh.
Our eyes locked, tears filling on both sides, a mutual understanding passes between us, the darkness of night closing in all around us.
Things aren’t so simple anymore.
They never will be again.
I slowly shut the window.
But he doesn’t leave. Nico simply arcs his thumb over his heart. Ad astra.
I close the curtains.
Something tears in my chest.
I collapse to my knees, slowly melt into the floor. Lying on my side, I stare at the now closed window and realize how perfect the image is. Locked, covered, pulled tight. Like the curtain at the end of a play. A closed book. Finished.
But I don’t want to be finished with Nico. Not now when I need him most. Not now when I’ve just lost everything.
Because Poppy’s gone too.
What starts as a whimper explodes into unrelenting weeping. I curl into myself for fear I’ll snap in two. I squeeze my eyes closed, locking up like a dam the tears building on the other side. Behind the rising tears, I search and find a memory of me and Nico. So many surface, but one image repeats one after another throughout the past nine years: him arcing his thumb over his heart. The sound, sometimes soft, quiet, other times rough, scratchy, depending on what he’s wearing, if he has gloves covering his hands. But his eyes are always the same. Deep, thoughtful, conveying so much but mostly, It’ll be all right.
The memories fade as quickly as they came when I realize I won’t ever see that image again.
The dam breaks, and, beyond my control, tears fall heavily down my cheeks, pooling on the floor beneath my chin.
I lie in that position, curled up on the cold floor, staring at the window, until my cheeks are stiff with dried tears.
Devoid of emotion, I stand up and rub my swollen eyes. Lacing up my boots, putting on layer after layer of clothing, I know it’s time to go. Get out of this place where everything’s connected to a memory. Where too many conversations and laughs and tears are imprinted.