We crossed the bridge into the forest proper and took the small hunting trail up into the hills. After walking a short time we passed a tree that was tied all over with little pieces of ribbon and cloth: prayers to the nature spirits. I said a silent prayer as we passed. Beneath the tree was one of the many Mooncat altars that dotted our district. As usual it was loaded with fruit and flowers. I made a mental note to stop and say another prayer on the way back.
After that, the forest got wilder. The tall, white-trunked trees were like pillars among the riot of smaller, mossy trees, flowering shrubs, cycads and ferns all bound together by a tangle of vines. The air smelled rich and earthy and birds were chattering away everywhere. I had fond memories of whizzing through here in Bright’s chariot, ducking round tree trunks and chasing light-footed deer through the underbrush. We’d even come at night sometimes. Moonlight was best. You could see the animals moving below and sometimes even catch sight of a wildcat hunting.
“Are they big, these wildcats?” asked Shadow nervously
“There’s a couple of sorts. The big ones are twice Katti’s size.” I thought of the Mooncat, who’d been three times as big as Katti, but decided not to make Shadow any more nervous than he obviously was. With its size and eerie glow it was clearly magical, and therefore not normal.
“Another thing you should keep an eye out for is grunters,” I said. “They’re a kind of big pig. They travel in family groups and the adults can be vicious, but at least they don’t come looking for you. Though they will eat you if they find you passed out from puff ball spores.”
“Wow,” said the ghost. “Such a friendly forest. Anything else I should be careful of?”
“Well, there’s still a lot of crystal dust in the soil. It gets in the water. Some of the animals and plants out here, especially the night ones, have magical powers. Some fly, some get very big. Some look extremely odd. Some glow. Sometimes you get fish in our stream with two heads or three eyes.”
“So if I drink the water I could start to glow?”
“Depends on if you’ve got some magical ability.”
“If you had a crystal, would you have magical powers?”
I felt a shock go down my spine. The pain was still there. I pulled myself back from it.
“The crystal only enhances what’s there. It can’t give you what you don’t have.” I said, keeping my voice as steady as I could and trying not to clench my jaw.
“You’ve been tested, though?”
“We’re all tested, when we come to mating age. A team of mages tours the country looking for candidates. Those who respond to the crystal are taken away to College to train and have a crystal implanted in their foreheads.”
“Why foreheads?”
“Hell, I don’t know.” I swiped a stick though some fern heads breaking them off. “Always burns me up when I see a flying mouse. To think a stupid mouse could have more magical power than me. Me—with my lineage.”
I still remembered that day so clearly—curse it. How I’d started out so certain; my mother was a mage, so why would I doubt myself? How I couldn’t move even the smallest coin. My chest still hurt remembering the stern look on the face of the testing mage when I begged him to let me keep trying.
Eff had met me in the hallway afterwards hugging me and saying, At least I get to keep you with me, even though I could tell she was disappointed for me. I didn’t know which I hated remembering more, the pain of failing the test or how I’d thrown Eff’s comforting words back in her face. I’d told her I hated it at Willow and I didn’t want to share her stupid exile, before running off to my room to weep and wail.
I must have let something show. Shadow said tentatively, “It must have been hard, failing that test.”
I swallowed hard.
“We survive. I’ll never be a noble, but at least I’m well born. I live in a good house that mostly doesn’t leak. I read and write, I have a lineage. I just... It’s just I get so bored. Every day is the same.”
“You will get out of here,” said Shadow. “Wanting to can take you.”
“No, I won’t. I’m not going to leave Eff alone. She’s been like a mother to me, and she needs me. This place was falling apart before I took over. Eff was giving all her time to educating the peasants, but because she’s no good with figures: there wasn’t much work and no improvements. Made it hard for them to buy food in winter. Even—”
“That’s not the real reason, is it?” said Shadow. Amazing how much he understood things.
“No,” I said and I told him all about Eff’s illness.
“Sounds like what we call broken nerves,” said Shadow.
“If I were a mage it would be different,” I said. “I couldn’t go on the Spice Road, because that would mean leaving Eff, but at least I could live in Elayison. A mage can do the two-day journey to Elayison in half a day. Bright used to come down to visit us all the time, before the scandal.
“And I’d own this estate. I’d be able to reform how we do things here instead of going on in the same old broken way. Build a water wheel to irrigate the high fields. Pay wages instead of relying on labour duties. Really make a difference. And do... I don’t know what. Interesting things, like... I could go to the theatre every night, and parties, and wear silk and meet people who don’t talk about crops all the time and maybe...”
I stopped myself. I wasn’t going to let Shadow know about the tall slim handsome artist or writer or actor or scientist I was going to meet one day, the sort of man who I could laugh with over dinner and love myself stupid with in bed later.
“But none of this is going to happen. Things will go on in the same old way. I’ll never meet anyone interesting out here. The family will come every year and call me Aurora’s Mistake and Ghostie, and make snide remarks because I can’t afford new clothes. And Impi will keep on saying there’s no money to pay me for the work I do even though I’ve started to make this place pay. Even a ‘thank you’ would be nice. I won’t even be given an allowance out of my mother’s estate, because no one knows if my mother is still alive or not. I’ll waste my life here and never do anything.”
I’d broken my stick into little pieces. I threw it away with a huff of disgust
“Hey,” said the ghost. He put his hand on my back. “Hey, I am sorry I upset you. I should have thought. I am trying to learn how things work here.” He rubbed my back. I do love having a man with nice strong hands rub my back.
“Oh, stop it,” I said, blinking my eyes. They were suddenly full of tears, curse it. “Sympathy makes me go all gushy.”
He let out a huff of laughter and squeezed me round the shoulder. “Yeah, I know how that works. Do not worry. I will find your mother for you.”
Thinking about my mother put some fire back into my belly.
“I’ve done perfectly well without her all these years,” I said. “If you don’t find out what happened, it will hardly matter.”
“You said you would get some money if I found out what happened to her.”
“I suppose an allowance would come in useful. Even stuck out here.”