Rationally, I knew it wouldn’t be any different in my case, and that I was asking Russ to break the Guild’s laws and probably screw up his chances of becoming Student Leader. But I wasn’t feeling particularly rational.
“Easy for you to say. Your mom might be gone, but she’s still alive.” I regretted the words before they catapulted themselves out of my mouth. “I’m sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.”
I watched the public face that Russ wore fight with his private one. I knew about this as well. Russ wouldn’t hesitate unless there was a reason. Unfortunately, reasons weren’t enough this time.
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
I wanted Russ to tell me it was okay, or that he understood. Instead, he just stared across the room, so I kept talking even if it meant no one was listening. “What if Dad is sticking around just because he knows you could contact him? I mean, he called me.”
“He said what he had to say.” Russ’s voice was even, but I could tell these words were a gift created by years of friendship. Plus, Russ had his own bond with my parents. He’d mourned them too.
“But I didn’t understand anything he said. And seriously? Tristan? Who cares about him?”
“It doesn’t matter what you care about,” Russ said. “It’s what your dad cares about that’s kept him here. You don’t get to play twenty questions with the dead.”
“I don’t have twenty,” I tried to joke. “Only ten.”
Russ’s expression didn’t budge.
I changed gears and tried the truth. “Look, he’s back. Tristan—he’s back.”
A flash of pity crossed Russ’s face before he could hide it. He was the only one I’d talked to about Tristan in years. “Ask him then,” Russ replied. “Do what your father suggested and ask Tristan.”
It took me a second to realize what he was suggesting. “Seriously? Seriously? You only say that because you’ve never tried to ask him anything.”
“I could,” Russ offered quietly. Then again, more urgently, “I could ask him. You know, if I could actually see him.”
My shoulders relaxed slightly. We were okay. Or we would be. Fine, Dad had called from “the great beyond,” and fine, I’d have to have an actual discussion with Tristan next time he showed up. But Russ and I would be okay, and that meant I’d be able to somehow get through the rest of this mess.
“I guess I’m stuck doing it, then,” I said.
“Are you going to tell Laura and Harriet?” he asked.
“About Dad calling?” I considered his question. Harriet would be pissed about Dad calling me and not her, and Laura would just be sad. Sadder. “Not a chance.”
“Didn’t think so.” Russ stood, his coat billowing around his legs as if a sudden wind had blown through the room.
I leaned over to pick up my discarded phone and froze when I saw the Guild’s letter lying on the floor.
Russ would recognize the Guild’s signature stationery. Russ was obsessed with all things Guild, and there was no way I was going to be able to hide it now. I could lie and say I’d received the standard invite, but Russ would know it was a lie, and we’d never lied to each other before. It seemed like a stupid time to start.
Before he had to ask, I picked up the letter and took a final look at it, hoping the words had changed. But no, the Guild was still asking me to discuss the Student Leader position. I thrust the paper in Russ’s direction and turned away, not wanting to see the pain I was sure would cross his face.
“Your parents would be proud,” Russ said after a minute, his voice inappropriately calm.
I winced at the idea of us getting into another fight. “I didn’t ask for this. You know I have no intention of joining the Guild, much less leading the freaking Youth Corps, right?”
Russ stared straight through me, his dark eyes blazing against his chalky pale skin. The letter was still clenched in his hand.
“Russ—come on.” Anger clawed its way through me. We were okay, damn it. We had to be okay.
I’d hoped we’d laugh over the absolute weirdness of the Guild contacting me for any possible reason. But Russ looked pissed, and that was something else altogether. Russ didn’t show his feelings. Sometimes it seemed as though Russ’s dark coat muffled all of his emotions. Except now…
“You know I’m not going to do it,” I said, hoping to break the tension.
“That isn’t the point.”
I heard the pain in his voice and grasped at anything I could to make it go away. “Maybe they haven’t sent out all the letters. Maybe after what happened with Ian, they’ve decided to take on more than one Student Leader at a time, just in case one of them disappears or something.”
Russ clenched his jaw so tight, I could see it.
“Fine,” I said. “Okay, fine. Tell me what you want me to say, because I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to argue with you, and this is totally fucked up, and you’re the one I always go to for this sort of stuff only I can’t this time because the letter should have gone to you, and we both know that.”
I gave up and sank into my bed. My eyes were still locked on the letter in Russ’s hand.
“I know you wouldn’t ask for this,” Russ said, his voice weary and careful.
I took the opening he’d offered. “Oh, god, what am I going to do?”
Russ turned, and for a minute, there was something unguarded in his expression. I knew Russ better than anyone and still couldn’t identify all of the feelings he kept walled up.
“Have you thought of meeting with them?” he asked.
I leaned up on my elbows. “The Guild? No.”
Russ nodded. He knew that would never happen. “But you have to find a way to tell them.”
“Dear Guild,” I started. “I have no intention of being part of your creepy archaic organization. Please take your position and shove it.”
Russ cracked a hint of a smile, and I knew I should leave it there, but I couldn’t. I owed Russ more than that. “I might just ignore it anyhow. I’m not planning on being in St. Hilaire when school starts.”
I waited for a reaction, but Russ was silent for a long time. Too long. Maybe I’d finally found his tipping point. Maybe he could deal with me being distant and angry so long as I was here. I’d wrestled with hurting Russ and Laura in the abstract, but seeing the blankness on Russ’s face was another thing altogether. “Russ.”
Russ took a deep breath. “I know. It isn’t like you’ve hidden it. You’ve been studying. Even this summer. And squirreling away money. It’s just…” He closed his eyes. “I need that spot. I need to convince the Guild I can do it.”