Like everything else when it comes to him, I ignore it. I can’t afford to keep getting distracted by him and how much I want him. Because I do, I can admit that. But he has a mate, someone out there fated for him, and I’m no match for her...or the many, many women from his past.
Jealousy rears its ugly head again and I push it away. It hurt tonight seeing his conquests in action. But it did make me feel better to see him close to being gutted—petty, but true.
Sighing, I get into bed and under the covers. The only room they had left was a double, so that asshole can sleep on the floor. I snuggle deeper into the blankets and feign sleep as I feel him heading this way.
I don’t want to talk to him, to analyse what happened or hear his teasing about how he made me come from his bite. I can’t handle it tonight. I’m feeling fragile, a feeling I hate.
The door opens, letting in a sliver of light and then shuts again. I hear his breathing, his heart beating, but I ignore it and keep my breaths even. He’s staring, watching me. Nothing unusual for the creeper…or the fact that I like it.
I hear him moving around the room, but I keep my eyes closed until the bed dips. They fly open and lock on him. I expect him to be smirking, but he’s not and that’s the only reason I don’t stab him…that’s what I tell myself anyway.
“I won’t touch you, Bella, I’m tired,” he assures me, and I clench my teeth but nod, even as my mind screams at me not to let him too close, to not give in, because I know once I do there’s no coming back.
I’ve never met someone so determined to win my trust, so adamant to protect others and me, so willing to go along with my crazy and not look at me in fear. Will that change when he knows what I am? I don’t think so, and that scares me even more. I can’t, I can’t trust him, because when he leaves it will kill me.
I will be alone again.
Something I didn’t mind before him, but now I crave his closeness. Even his conversation, though I sometimes want to smack him over the head with a shovel again. The laughter and teasing, walking through life with someone at your side, depending on them...I want it.
I realise with a start that I want what he has...a mate.
But it’s more than that, I don’t want a random stranger...I want him.
I must sigh because he scoots closer, his head resting on his arms where he lies on his side and watches me with those eyes that break down all my walls. “What’s wrong, Bella?” he asks, his voice quiet, a whisper on the night just between us, and that’s what undoes me.
The darkness, the bubble around us, or maybe it’s that I want to tell him has me admitting my feelings. I want to trust him, to be able to lean on someone just this once. “I’m scared.”
His eyes widen a fraction and his hand comes out to grab mine, but he stops and looks at me, letting it drop to the bed between us, an offering, one I can’t take. I stare at it and he winces. “Why won’t you touch me again?”
I debate my answers, but decide on the truth. “In the diner? When you pulled me back...I saw some of your memories. Hints and...screenshots, but I don’t want to see them again.”
He goes quiet for a moment. I can feel him watching me, but I don’t look up, I just stare at the hand I desperately wish I can grab. “What did you see, Bella?” I can hear the fear, the vulnerability in his voice, and it pulls my eyes back up to his. He wants to know, but he’s scared...scared of what I saw?
“You,” I admit, my voice quiet now. “Snippets of you and your past, other girls, nights, and beds, satin sheets...skin,” I whisper, my eyes closing as they flash through my mind again.
It hurt and I didn’t know why. It made it hard to breathe, my heart cracking behind my wall for a man I didn’t know...all because he had been with other people? I can deal with that, but seeing it...seeing it hurt.
“Bella,” he whispers brokenly, and tries to reach for me again before stopping a hair’s breadth away. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to see that. I’ve never lied to you about my past, about who I was...I was searching and stupid, such a fool. I never thought it would matter, that I would have a mate...all I can do is ask for forgiveness and promise there will be no other woman ever again.”
I turn over then, giving him my back. He’s right. He can’t change it, and it shouldn’t matter to me, but to her, his mate. There will be no other. Is he telling me that we can’t be together? That this is as far as we go? He’s right, we can’t. I couldn’t do that to her, to the girl I don’t even know but who I hate...because I wish I was her.
I can’t be burned by him and then left as he finds his love and happiness, I won’t. He’s right, never again. “Good, don’t.”
I can hear the echoes of his thoughts and emotions. He wants to reach for me. To touch me, to cover this distance and make it right, but he doesn’t. I’m guessing for her. He knows it as well as I do…we can’t be.
If he had...if he had reached for me, pulled me into his arms...would I have fought? I don’t think I would have and that’s what keeps me awake all night. Trapped in a bed with a man I want but can never have, his breathing blowing over the strands of my hair as I wrap my arms around myself to stop from reaching for him.
He doesn’t sleep either. I can feel him watching me through the darkness until the sun comes up and I slip from the bed and into the bathroom.
Whatever this is, whatever I thought we had, wasn’t true...it can’t be. I will find the fallen, kill him, and protect my secret, protecting whatever is left of my heart along the way, and when it’s through maybe I’ll try to find someone to walk this world with.
Because I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Ciar
She’s distant after last night, and I don’t know how to bridge it. She has every right to be upset. I would hate to see her with other guys, so I can understand, but if she would only let me know, let me in so I can help make this right. But she doesn’t, she turned away from me, and ever since she’s barely talking. I miss it, I miss her smart mouth and crazy attitude, even her thoughts are closed off.
She’s locked down tight, even through her bond, and the distance hurts me. It’s an ache, a physical pain, and now that we have the bond it feels wrong to be apart. She doesn’t let me drive or even stop for a break, just carries on. Eating the miles between her and the man we are hunting. When we find him, I will rip him apart for hurting her and breaking her trust...but what then?
If we leave it how it is now, she will fade. Walk away into the night and away from what we could be. I can’t let that happen. I would hunt her across this world. I’ve been waiting for thousands of years for her, I’m not letting her go now. We need to talk, I must make her see that if she gives me a chance I can make this right. That I will always love her, protect her, and be with her, and hopefully over time she will learn to trust me and forget about my past.
A plan forms in my head, a plan to make my mate believe in me.
I don’t tease her, I don’t push or flirt. No, I need to be serious. So for now I let her have her space, my eyes continually locked on the side of her face. Her beauty still makes me breathless, but it’s everything else I fell in love with…