It was that word again—son—that shoved into him with such force he nearly stumbled as he spun and walked away.
Jenessa would not cry in front of the kids.
No matter the jagged edges of her broken heart, piercing her from the inside out, she would not cry in front of them.
She knelt in front of Violet in the entryway, helping her shrug one arm into her fall coat then pulling the other sleeve carefully over her little cast. Outside the window, the wind howled and the nearly white sky seemed braced for snow. Looked more like a Thursday in December than October.
“I don’t remember what he looks like.” Violet still had a trace of frosting on her lips from the sprinkled donuts they’d been eating thirty-five minutes ago when Carmen had texted to say she and Dustin Hollis were on the way. It was more than Jenessa would’ve normally given the girls for a snack but on this, their last afternoon to sit in the sunroom and talk about the school day, she’d splurged.
She licked her finger then smudged away the frosting on Violet’s lips. “Didn’t Colie show you that photo of your mom and dad this morning?”
She could feel Colie shift her weight from one foot to the other where she stood behind her.
“Yeah, but you can only see the side of his face in it and I can’t even tell what color his hair is. Do you remember what color his hair is, Colie?”
“Brown.” Colie’s voice was flat.
“Is he nice?”
Jenessa looked over her shoulder in time to see Colie’s limp shrug. The older girl wore the locket Jenessa had given her. It peeked out from the same faded jean jacket she’d worn the night Jenessa had found the kids in the cottage, the one with the too-short sleeves that bared her wrists. Jenessa had bought her a new coat last week, but maybe something in the girl had needed to wear the old thing. Needed the hint of familiarity.
I don’t even know what to pray anymore, God. I know I need to pray that Dustin Hollis is a good man. That he fills their house with love and joy.
But it felt like all the love and joy was about to leak from this house. And it was breaking her.
She turned to Cade. He’d already managed to unzip his coat and pull off his hat. His car seat and Violet’s sat nearby, along with the diaper bag, suitcases, folded-up Pack ’n Play, tote bags full of toys and books. The better part of a month’s worth of life together represented in a pile of belongings.
It made her think of her parents’ things. Of all the boxes that used to clutter this house. Things that had lost their meaning somewhere along the way.
Would there come a time when Colie looked at the locket Jenessa had given her as just a necklace and not a memento of this time together? Would Violet eventually forget these weeks the same way she’d forgotten the color of her father’s hair?
I’ll never forget. Couldn’t even if she wanted to. And deep down, underneath the heartbreak, she didn’t want to. Painful as it was to part ways now, she wouldn’t have traded this experience for anything. She stood, lifting Cade with her, kissing his cheek. “I hope you guys know how much I’ll miss you. These have been the very best three weeks.”
She felt Lucas’s warm hand on her shoulder. He’d been here for the past hour. Had eaten donuts with the girls and changed Cade’s diaper and quietly helped Jenessa pack the last of their things. He’d gone to see his dad this morning, but she knew he didn’t want to talk about it. Knew too that things were still a little off after that conference room conversation with Carmen last night.
But they both seemed to sense without words that these final minutes were simply about this goodbye. Everything else could wait.
As if on cue, the rumble of an engine let her know a vehicle had pulled into the driveway. She looked out the window by the front door, recognized Carmen’s car, and behind it, a blue four-door sedan that must belong to Dustin.
“He does have brown hair,” Violet said.
Colie stepped up beside Jenessa and took her hand. “I’m going to miss you too.”
Was it her sister’s words that unleashed the emotion in Violet or just a sudden realization of what was happening? Either way, abrupt emotion erupted from her. She broke into loud sobs and threw herself against Jenessa.
With a helpless look toward Lucas, Jenessa handed Cade over and bent down to pull Violet into her arms. Violet’s loud cries apparently upset Cade because before she knew it, he was crying from his perch in Lucas’s hold.
And that was the scene Carmen and Dustin walked in on. Two crying kids. The third trying so achingly hard to be stoic. The next minutes passed in a blur as Carmen introduced Dustin and they went about loading the kids’ things and arranging car seats in Dustin’s car.
Jenessa finally managed to calm Violet long enough for her whispered words of comfort to be heard. “Remember how much you told me you liked your old bed in your old room? That’s where you get to sleep again tonight. You’ll have Private Teddy with you and Colie will be there. She’s such a good big sister to you.”
She looked up at Colie, the tears in the older girl’s eyes almost enough to make her forget her promise to herself. You will not cry in front of the kids. You won’t.
She hugged Violet one more time, rose to kiss Cade’s cheek, and left Lucas to say his goodbyes to the younger two. She moved to Colie, drawing the girl into a tight hug. “I’ll never forget the day I found you in my cottage, Colie Hollis. It was the best surprise I’ve ever gotten.”
They couldn’t prolong this any further. Dustin Hollis had been pure politeness during their introductions, but his uncomfortable impatience was beginning to show now. He kept shifting his weight from side to side, attention darting between Lucas with the younger two children and Jenessa and Colie’s embrace, the brackets around his thin lips deepening with each strained second that passed.
It was time.
“Violet already has an appointment to get her cast off next week.” She almost handed the appointment card to Carmen, but at the last second held it toward Dustin instead. “Colie has a math test on Tuesday.”
Dustin nodded, running one hand over his buzzed hair. “I appreciate what you’ve done for my kids. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” It felt like the paltriest conversation she’d ever had. Traded words that couldn’t possibly capture the intensity or emotion of this moment.
And then it was just . . . over.
The kids were in the car. The car was pulling from the driveway. Carmen was saying goodbye and leaving as well.
And Lucas was pulling her close. “You held it in long enough,” he whispered. “Go ahead and let it out now.”
His shirt was already wet with her tears.
19
Even with this many people packed around Jenessa’s desk, her office felt too empty. None of Cade’s toys littering the space. No portable crib in the corner.
But her friends were here. And that was something.
With only two spare chairs in the office, Mara looked only too happy to be perched on her new husband’s lap as she talked about the ten-day honeymoon they’d spent at a cabin in Canada. “Autumn is pretty in Iowa, but up there with the lake and the trees—”