“And the lack of other people,” Marshall cut in with a grin.
Mara didn’t miss a beat. “It was absolute perfection.”
Sam grabbed a second pastry from the bakery box in the middle of Jenessa’s desk. “We’re going to have to look at pictures, aren’t we?”
Mara shot him a playful glare. “Not until tonight. We’re going to have a good old-fashioned Friday pizza and movie night. Everyone in?”
Jenessa nodded. She knew what her friends were doing and she loved them for it, even if she was having a hard time latching on to the comfort and cheer of their presence.
It’d been a week and a day since the kids left with Dustin Hollis. She hadn’t seen them since. Colie had called once over the weekend and it’d been clear it was a supervised call. She’d heard Dustin’s voice in the background urging her to end the call after about ten minutes.
Jenessa was back to putting in longer hours at the newspaper, but if she’d begun to lose her vigor for the work before the Hollis kids came along, she was entirely bereft of it now. She couldn’t seem to rally any excitement for tomorrow night’s gala either.
Still, she forced a happy tone. “We should save a pastry for Paige. I owe her for all the extra work she’s put in the past few weeks.”
“I think that might be our cue,” Marshall said, gently nudging Mara off his lap and rising. “Jen, you’ll pass on the movie night invite to Luke?”
Sam barked a harrumph. “As if she needs to. He follows her around more than ever.” He stood and stretched, turning to the newlyweds. “There have been, ah, developments since the wedding.”
Marshall smirked. “Way I heard it, there were developments before the wedding.”
From somewhere underneath her rainy spirits, Jenessa unearthed the closest thing she had to a light-hearted expression and directed it Mara’s way. “I guess now that you’re married, it means all girl talk gets passed on to him.”
Mara moved around the desk. “Well, you didn’t tell me not to tell him.” She hugged Jenessa as the guys filed from the office. “I’m sorry again that we weren’t here last week. I know it’s been hard.”
“Mara, I told you before, you can’t apologize for being on your honeymoon. You were right where you were supposed to be.”
“I’m just glad Lucas has been here for you.”
He had. And yet . . .
Mara stepped back. “Uh-oh, what’s that look mean?”
“Nothing.” Or more accurately, a something she didn’t want to talk about. Because it might all be in her head. Lucas was around, of course. He’d worked long days finishing the landscaping, putting the final touches on the garden, installing the new fountain. He’d come up to the house each night when he was finally ready to crash.
But instead of long conversations into the early hours of the morning like last week, more often than not they’d settled in front of the TV. He didn’t seem distant so much as distracted.
But then, he was missing the kids too while also dealing with the fallout of his own family situation. Noah had gone back to staying at the cottage, but from what little Lucas said, though they worked together, they’d lost the easy rapport of earlier days.
“It’s just weird. We can’t seem to get past the awkwardness of it all. And I still don’t understand why he didn’t say something sooner.”
“Things just feel a little off with Lucas,” she finally said to Mara. “But I’m sure after the gala everything will settle down and we’ll get back to how we used to be.” Except there hadn’t been a we before the kids.
Mara picked up her coat from the back of a chair but after a glance at Jenessa, she set it back down and lowered into the chair. “How are you really doing, Jen?”
The same old urge nearly prompted the same old response. I’m fine. It’s a hard season, but I’ll get through it. I’m a Belville, after all. A forced hopefulness. A hollow grin.
A pretense. No. She dropped into her chair. “Awful, that’s how I’m doing. I’m depressed about the kids being gone. I’m scared Lucas is pulling away. I can’t bring myself to care about work. And I can hear any number of admonishing voices in my head telling me to have faith and trust God, and frankly, I want to tell every one of them to leave me alone.”
She didn’t wait for a response from Mara. Now that she’d started, she couldn’t stop. “I don’t know if I can talk myself into rebounding this time. Losing Aunt Lauren as a kid wrecked me. Feeling abandoned by parents—that messed with me, too. I have struggled to feel any kind of true purpose or belonging for years, and when I tried to think of what I wanted my life to look like, it was always just this blurry ‘someday.’ And then finally—finally—everything comes into focus. Those kids land on my doorstep. I realize I’m basically in love with my best friend. But in a blink, it’s all gone and . . . and why in the world are you smiling right now?”
Mara flattened her expression. “I’m not smiling.”
Exasperation pricked her. “I thought this is what you wanted! I’m baring my heart and soul. I’m admitting I’m depressed. I’m ticked at God. I’ve got like every ugly emotion going on at once. And you have the gall to be amused?”
“I’m not amused. It’s just you said you were in love with your best friend and I couldn’t help—”
“That can’t be the only part you heard. Why aren’t you telling me I should be grateful for what I have? Trying to cheer me up? Giving me a sermon? Trying to convince me that even though things feel awful and bleak today, I’ll see God’s hand in it all someday?”
Mara reached over Jenessa’s desk and covered her hand. “Because I don’t think that’s really what you need right now.”
“I know. What I need is for everything to work out exactly the way I want.”
Mara squeezed her hand. “Don’t we all.”
Quiet seconds ticked by. “But if you were going to give me a sermon, what would you say?”
Mara studied her for a moment. “I’d probably say don’t be afraid to wrestle with your faith. God’s not going to ditch you the moment you get real with Him. I think He’d rather have your honest emotions any day over plastic smiles or some rote performance.” Mara gave her hand a second squeeze. “The same goes for your friends, by the way. Thanks for being honest with me.”
Sam and Marshall’s voices drifted in from the newsroom. And someone else’s voice. Jenessa glanced out the window. Noah? What was he doing here? “I’m glad you’re home, Mara. I missed you more than I realized.”
“Just don’t give Marsh any credit. I had to drag him back. Turns out he might be even more of a hermit than Lucas.”
“Or he just really liked having his wife to himself.”
Mara’s cheeks pinked. “A definite possibility.” She stood again, glancing out the window. “Looks like someone else is here to see you. I should go.” She reached for her coat once more. “About Lucas, though—he’s not gone, Jen. He’s not part of some unattainable, distant someday. He’s right here today. And if you really do love him—”