‘Why fight it?’ he says. ‘How’s your mate, Howie?’
‘I saw him earlier,’ I reply. Almost every day Conrad asks about ‘my mate, Howie’. I think it upsets him that my friend, a man like him, almost died because he was too ashamed to come forward about his abuse. ‘He’s almost completely healed. And he is proceeding with charges against Beccie, and the police are taking him seriously. I thought for a bit that he wouldn’t do it, that he’d let her get away with it, but no. He’s done it, he’s doing it.’
‘That’s good. That’s really good. But are you really all right, Vee? Some heavy stuff has gone down. You know you can tell me if you’re not OK, right?’
‘Yes, I know that, bruv.’
Conrad rapidly shakes his head. ‘Nah, Vee, nah. That word ain’t for you. You’ve crossed over to the old side recently. It’d be like Mum or Aunt Fez or Aunt Mez saying it. That word is not for you.’
‘The brother giveth and then he taketh away,’ I say. He completely ignores me cutting my eyes at him and shooting him a Grandma glower.
‘When are you moving back to your flat?’ he asks.
‘I have no idea. I’m actually thinking of selling it. Not sure I can live there again.’
‘Ahhh, no, don’t do that. I’ll move in instead.’
‘Yeah right, and how are you affording that rent?’
‘Man, you’d charge me rent?’
‘Yes, sweetheart, if I can’t use “bruv” you don’t get rent-free living.’
‘Right, let me get you another drink and we can start the negotiations for real.’
‘Yeah, good luck with that one.’
Once I’m alone, shut up here by myself, I go back to staring out at the now almost-here night sky. The pinpricks of stars could be other universes, as far as I know. Each one of them could be the moment where a decision I’ve made has caused a quantum split, and created another universe. I have a theory that we all see the stars differently because they are our other universes, the other ways in which we exist in here and out there.
I close my eyes, try to get lost in the darkness behind my eyes. I keep trying to get lost out there, lost in here. And nothing works. Not really. I can’t hide from my reality. I can’t push myself into those multiverses when I live in this universe.
I think again about how fine I am, how sometimes not fine I am, but how I feel most days that things will work out. Now I have my mum back, truly back, and we talk and share and treat each other with the kindness and love we always had before Logan, I know, deep down, that I will be more than all right.
I run my hand over my stomach with my eyes still closed, thinking about consequences. Thinking about what I have to do.
And I have to do it soon. I have to tell Mum and Dad and Conrad that I’m pregnant.
THE END
Read more by Dorothy Koomson
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