‘Yes, you did.’
‘I didn’t. It’s just—’
‘It’s just what, Logan?’
‘Nothing!’ he hissed. ‘Absolutely nothing. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.’
‘Come on, tell me.’
‘Only if you don’t come for me again.’
‘I can’t promise that if you trash-talk my friend again.’
‘I wasn’t trash-talking her!’
‘What were you doing? Cos that’s what it sounded like.’
Logan’s sigh rose up in the dark, seeming to grow rather than dissipate. ‘All right, Zeph sounds like a great person. But what is it about her that attracts these kinds of relationships? These kinds of men? I mean, you and her grew up together and went to college at the same time and I’m betting it’s always been like this with her. That men treat her badly, dump her, put her down, make her feel awful. That’s all I meant – of course it was over with this latest guy, who you made sound perfect, because that’s what happens to Zeph.’
I didn’t say anything because it was nothing I hadn’t thought myself. I didn’t understand how these things always seemed to happen to her. I could fill a book with the disasters that had befallen Zeph in her search for love.
‘She’s a really good person and people take advantage of her,’ I replied.
‘I know, I know. And I feel for her. But aren’t you sick of the drama?’
Of course I was. So was she. I wished so much she would finally get what she wanted. That someone would love her and see her for who she was – a beautiful soul inside and out.
‘Logan, it’s not for you to say that. She’s my friend and I’ll always support her, no matter what. And no, I’m not sick of her drama. There is no “drama”.’
‘I know, I know, and your loyalty is one of the things I love about you most.’
He cuddled back into me, trying to charm his way back into my good books. ‘Boy, you’re fierce when you think someone you love is under attack.’
‘Of course, isn’t everyone?’
‘Well, I hope you get like that about me one day. Because that would mean I’m someone you love.’
‘Maybe I will, who knows?’
‘I can’t believe I’ve just told you that I love you and you’ve ignored it,’ Logan stated.
‘I didn’t ignore it as such, I just wasn’t going to let you say it by stealth. Either say it properly or leave it out.’
‘All right,’ he began as he stared at me. ‘Verity Gillmare, I’m pleased to report that the process is complete – I love you. I completely and utterly love you.’
‘And I . . .’ I felt a sudden flutter of nerves, the butterflies of anxiety flitting up and filling my chest with frantic worrying. I’d never said this before. And I was going to say it to a man I couldn’t talk to my parents about. Really? Really?
‘Don’t worry about saying it back.’ Logan must have read my mind or something. ‘You don’t go from fiercely protective of a friend to dropping the L word. You just say it when you’re ready. It’s enough to know that I love you.’ He dropped a kiss on my lips. ‘Because I absolutely do.’
I received his kisses as, inside, a tidal wave of emotion welled up. Poor Zeph. I could never tell her about this. About how easy this was. Despite the obvious, being with Logan was easy. I could never tell Zeph about any of it because it would wound her. And I didn’t want to hurt her by flaunting the fact I had what she craved.
I hated keeping this from her, but I had to protect her. And she would know if she saw me that I was with someone. And I couldn’t tell her about it. Not even a fraction of it. Logan was right about one thing: this happened to Zeph far too often, and my being happy on my first go? Oh, Zeph – I couldn’t rub her face in it like that. I’d take a step back from seeing her as much, at least until things calmed down with Logan and I wasn’t so loved up.
‘I love you, Logan,’ I whispered in the middle of the night when he was fast asleep. And I swear, I’m sure I saw him smile.
Now
And there. Because of what he had said, how brilliant he made me feel, I had backed away from Zeph. No one made me, he didn’t have a bad thing to say about her, but still, the net result was me retreating from her. She told me as much at Dad’s party. I’d been trying to be kind to her. But wasn’t that patronising? She was an adult, she could handle my being loved up because she was my friend. And Zeph would be there for the good as well as the bad. He hadn’t said anything directly, no, but like the thing with my brother, I had decided to back off after speaking to Logan.
They were the two main branches of my support network. And they were removed. And then there was the stuff with Howie.
‘I’m sure your family and friends will have noticed,’ Darryl had said to me.
And there were other things. Little things. But did that mean—?
I almost jump out of my skin when there’s a small, polite knock at the door. ‘Knock knock, who’s there? Me, so let me in, and let me in now,’ Conrad calls from my doorway.
‘Come in,’ I reply because he does actually wait for me to do that. When he was small, he used to say that all the time at my bedroom door. Small. That seems like a lifetime ago now. My brother is so huge, so masculine, it’s hard to believe he was ever anything other than the man he is now.
Mum used to baby him all the time when he was little and he just never seemed to find anything difficult. And even though it irritated me – a lot – I also used to love him so much it hurt. I would totally, without a second thought, hurt anyone who tried to mess with him. I had a visceral need to protect him. I suppose because I was six when he was born and I felt responsible for him.
I think things changed between us when Mum left ten years ago for a short period of time. They thought we didn’t know, but it was obvious that she wasn’t staying at home all the time. And it scared us both. Suddenly all certainty that both Mum and Dad would be there no matter what, all the time, for ever and ever, Amen, was shattered like a dropped glass – you could see bits of it, but it wasn’t cohesive and it looked like it would never be whole and tangible ever again. That was when we decided that the moments of not getting on and fighting and sometimes full-on hating on each other had to get smaller and shorter, and the rest of it, when we cared and looked out for each other, had to get longer and become the norm.
I remember going into his room one night and finding him crying because he was convinced Mum wasn’t coming back. ‘Doesn’t matter,’ I ended up whispering as I knelt by his bed, trying to get him to stop sobbing. ‘Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t come back or Dad leaves, because I’m always going to be around.’
I wasn’t sure if what I said was a comfort to him or if the thought of being stuck with just me terrified the tears out of him, but he stopped crying and he let me hug him.
‘You got a minute?’ he asks as all six-foot-something of him wanders into my room. ‘What am I saying, you’ve got all the time in the world, jailbird.’
‘Funny,’ I reply and cut my eyes at him. ‘And I’m not a jailbird.’