But, in the same way I decided not to let Marcus win by letting his legacy destroy my marriage, I’m not going to allow this man to win by letting him obliterate my daughter or my peace of mind.
‘I feel really sorry for you, Logan. This must have been so awful for you. Doing all those things and then, at the end of it, I’m not destroyed but you have fallen in love with your target,’ I say to him.
‘HA!’ he replies. ‘HA! HA! HA!’
‘Deny it all you want. If you had truly got revenge on me like you wanted, I wouldn’t be standing here right now – I’d be broken and crying somewhere. You would have obliterated me. And you would be talking to Verity right now. You would have asked to see her so you could say all of this hideous stuff to her. But no, you wanted me because you wanted to be near someone who is like her. I mean, she’s basically going to look like me so you wanted me to be the proxy – I’d have to listen to your bile and you could say it without feeling the guilt of it being to the woman you love. I bet you thought: “just a little bit more pain for Serena – have her deliver these words to her daughter. Something I could never do because I love her too much.” ’ I smile at him, force myself to grin in the most natural, relaxed way possible. ‘Don’t worry, Logan. I will tell her about this meeting. I’m going to make sure she knows how much you love her. I’m going to make sure that, every day, she knows the reason you confessed in the end was because you couldn’t bear to do that to her any longer. I’ve already said this to her, I’ve already told her that you must have had feelings for her. And now I am here with you, so whatever I go back and tell her, she will believe came directly from you.’
I move closer to his bed. ‘I’m going to get her counselling to make sure she’s OK, and every day between now and the trial, I’m going to tell her that you adored her. Which is why it took you so long to follow through. That you had many, many second thoughts because you were so completely head-over-heels in love with her. And that you’re a coward. That you weren’t brave enough to just allow yourself to be loved, so instead you carried on with your ridiculous plan.
‘By the time it gets to the trial, she is going to know that none of this was her fault, she is going to know how much she is loved. And how I am fine. That what you tried to do didn’t work because I don’t blame myself. I only blame you.’ I look at Poppy. I am not going to let his hate ruin Poppy, either. I didn’t let Marcus kill her, and I didn’t go through all of that so some other guy could do it instead. I don’t care who he is. ‘And I’m going to get to know Poppy. I’m going to stop telling myself I hate her and I am going to spend time with her so she has more friends. She has more people in her life.’ I move even closer to Logan Carlisle. ‘Basically, you are going to fail. You tried to destroy me to get revenge for something you think I did, and you’ve failed. The fact I’m standing here, talking to you, able to see the future and how I’m going to carry on, just shows how your plan didn’t work. I feel sorry for you because all the stuff I’m going to tell people may well seem like a lie but it’s all true.’
I manage a smile at him. He is not going to win. I am not going to let this define my daughter. I am not going to let this damage me. And any damage that is there, I will bury deep. I will hide so that he can never even begin to crow about what he has done.
‘Goodbye, Logan Carlisle, enjoy knowing that we’re getting on with our lives out there, while you’re stuck in here looking at prison for a plan that you failed to execute.’
His face has lost its arrogant nasty sneer while I’ve been speaking. The powerlessness of his situation, how I am now in control and how I can redefine all he has done to make it all right for everyone involved is dawning on him in the most blatant way.
By the time I have made it to the corridor outside his room, my legs are like rubber, shaky and unstable, and I just about make it to the chairs before they give way. Poppy is horrified and rushes to help me.
I brush her away, the last thing I want is help from a Carlisle.
‘Are you all right?’ she asks.
‘No, I’m not,’ I reply, gulping huge breaths. I can feel the panic racing to overtake me, shortening my breath, thundering my heart, trembling my body.
‘What can I do to help?’ she asks.
Nothing, Poppy, I want to scream. There’s nothing anyone can do.
I sit back in my seat, grind the base of my thumbs into my closed eyes, try to count the breaths as they’re going in and out, try to hook into the rhythm of my heart banging in my ears. I need to not run from this, I need to go into it. I need to make this a part of me so it doesn’t take over me. I have to focus on doing whatever I can to get to the other side.
‘I thought you were going to pass out again,’ Poppy says when I can sit upright and open my eyes.
The policeman who had been, I presume, in the toilet instead of standing outside Logan Carlisle’s room, looks us over as though he recognises me, knows I shouldn’t have been in Logan’s room and knows he should one hundred per cent do something about it. He peers at me . . . then he looks away. It’s almost as though he doesn’t want to deal with the hassle and trouble (for him more than anything) challenging me will bring to him.
‘I thought you were going to pass out,’ Poppy states again, ‘like last time’ She doesn’t look at me while she speaks. ‘I’m sure your husband would have loved to get another call from the hospital and find me here with you.’
‘It was just a panic attack,’ I say quietly.
‘You sounded so strong and confident in there, I had no idea this was what you were feeling inside,’ Poppy says. ‘I actually believed all that you said.’
‘I meant every single word. I’m not going to let him destroy my daughter or me.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault, Poppy. I’m just trying to get myself back together.’
‘Did you mean what you said about getting to know me?’
I stare at the wall opposite. Did I mean that? Or was it something to say to needle Logan Carlisle? ‘I don’t know,’ is the answer I give Poppy. ‘I mean, what are we going to talk about? How many times Marcus broke our ribs? What it was like to find out my daughter had been lying to me because of your brother?’ I run my hands over my head. ‘But then, it’ll drive that man in there crazy. And because of that, it’s tempting.’
We sit in silence for long, long minutes. I am trying to re-centre myself. Get myself back together. When my legs stop shaking and I feel strong enough, I stand up. I need to go home. Find somewhere to be alone for a bit. I was perfectly serious about what I planned to do. I just need to gather myself together first.
‘I’ll see you, Poppy,’ I say. Hoping against hope that I don’t.
‘I’ll see you, Serena.’
Tap, tap, tap.
I nearly jump out of my skin when Poppy taps on the passenger-side window of my car. I wasn’t steady enough to drive – I was still shaking – so I sat in the multi-storey hospital car park racking up pounds in parking charges. I wasn’t sure how she found me and I probably didn’t want to know. I lean over, pop open the car door.