“I could want a baby with you. Fuck. Clara, I could want fucking everything with you. I mean it. Late-night feedings, diaper changes, a teething baby up all night, spit-up. All of that shit. Because there would also be you and me and this family we made. That's so different from just knocking some girl up. Being forced into it.”
“Maverick. This is not my plan.” There were tears in her voice.
I was fucking making her cry. God, I was an asshole. I was a selfish fucking asshole, and I couldn't stop myself.
“I know it's not the plan. And honestly, I shouldn't have agreed to do this. I shouldn't have offered, but so much of me wanted to be the one for you.” I raked a hand through my hair, frustration at my own bullheadedness making me sigh. “I didn't even see it. I didn't see how much I needed you in my life and how I need to be in yours.”
“You never said anything to me about this.”
“I know. I know. I fucking had my chance that day we first met, when you knocked me on my ass, literally and figuratively.”
I handed her the mug of hot cocoa with a dollop of marshmallow fluff right in the center.
“I didn't mean to.”
“No, you didn’t, darlin’. But you did.”
I thought back to the first day. I had come home to Wilde Horse Ranch from Texas so full of piss and vinegar, so bitter about having to be back. Having to see my dad changed my whole life, all because he crooked his finger. I walked into that stable only to get hit right in the face by a horse being led out of a stall. I’d fallen hard on my ass. It hurt like hell, my tailbone rattling, the jolt of the hard concrete running up my spine making tingles shoot through me in a less than fun way.
And there she was. Her hair pulled up high on her head. Gloves up to her elbows and her eyes wide.
She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was distracted. I just got done knocking this girl up.”
I laughed and got to my feet, brushing myself off and saying, “Oh yeah? Who was the stud?”
When she named my horse, there was this weird sense of pride that ran through me. She called him the prized stallion, and from then on, I had been enchanted by Clara Barnes.
“I’m just so confused, I guess.” Her voice broke through the memories where I’d been lost. “Because you had your chance. You've had chances over the years. I've given you opportunities. Why do you think I agreed for you to be my date for all these weddings?”
“Why? I thought you wanted to keep the other guys away.”
“No, you idiot. I wanted to spend time with you. Sure, I hate it when the drunk cowboys start circling. They only ever circle when they're drunk. But I'm the vet, and they don't fuck with that. I could have just not gone. I could have gone with a girlfriend. Jenna would have come with me. She would have been my wingwoman.”
“That's not how you use that term. A wingwoman doesn't keep people away. She brings—”
“Not the point, Mav. The point is, I gave you every opportunity, and you didn’t take it.”
“I was stupid.”
“I’m not going to argue with you there. Now, I made a choice to do this on my own. You're leaving. You said you're moving away. You're going to Texas. You’ve got a hockey team in Seattle, a ranch in Texas, and you're never coming back.”
That took the wind right out of my sails. “I can change my plans.”
“Not for me. Don't change your entire life because you had sex with me. I've seen what that does to people. I saw what it did to my parents. And then they ended up gone forever because they were trying so hard to fix what was broken.”
“I think I need you to explain that a bit.”
She sighed. “Come sit down. That's a long story, and it's one I don't tell very often.”
“All right. You can tell me anything. I want to know everything about you. I'm in—”
She cut me off, stopping me from admitting the truth of how I really felt about her. The new realization chased through my body uncontrolled.
“Don't say that. Please, not yet. Not while I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the man I wanted more than anything has now decided he wants to throw his hat in the ring.”
That gave me a little hope. She wanted me.
“All right. I won't say it. I'll hold on to it. That doesn't make it any less true.”
She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay. Let's go sit down. We'll drink hot chocolate, and I’ll tell you the story of how my parents’ marriage drove them to early graves. But it's not pretty.”
I followed her to the couch. “I’m pretty used to hearing ugly stories, darlin’. You knew my daddy. Everything about him was ugly.”
“Everything except you and your brothers.”
“That remains to be seen,” I said, a little laugh escaping me.
“No, Mav. I see it. You’re not ugly. No part of you.”
Fuck. Clara Barnes had me roped and wrangled. But was she going to pull me in, or cut me loose?
9
Clara
My stomach churned as we sat together on my tiny couch, Mav a respectful distance away from me, giving me space even though I hadn't actually asked for it. I didn't mind, though.
He scared me. All the possibilities he was presenting terrified me. Because what if I trusted him and let him in, and then he broke my heart? What if he resented me for saddling him with a baby he didn't want? A future he hadn't planned on? I didn't want to be that to him. I didn't want to be what my mom, my sisters, and I were to my dad.
The heat from the mug seeped into my palms as I held it, but I didn't drink. I just sat there and watched the marshmallow cream melt into the hot chocolate, bubbles forming around the outside edges of the sweet candy topping.
“I’m ready when you are,” he said, his deep voice rumbling in my ear.
I took a deep breath, knowing I needed to tell someone the whole story. But it was such a terrible story, and I hadn't said a word about my past to anyone. Not to Jenna or Mackenzie, both of whom I considered very close friends. I didn't want the pity that I knew I would see in their eyes, because that's always what happened when you said you didn't have parents. That you were left alone to raise your siblings.
“I was seventeen when my parents died. I had already graduated high school, and I was in my first year of college. I was an advanced student. I always had been. I worked hard and I graduated early. My parents were on this fix your marriage retreat with the church they had gotten involved with. It was one of those things that was advertised as the perfect way to reconnect with your spouse.”
Mav nodded, his expression grim. “I’m familiar. My dad went on one of those with Sutton's mama before we lost her. Do you think it helped?”
I shook my head. “I don't know. They died before they got there. It probably wouldn't have made a difference because by the time they got to the point of getting help, they hated each other. They resented each other completely. And they probably resented me, if I'm being honest.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because they didn't want me in the first place. I wasn't planned. I was this happy accident, my mom always said. They met one night at a bar. My dad had just finished basic training, and he found her. They had a passionate night together, and then she found out I was coming. So, he ‘did the right thing’ and married her. They stayed together for seventeen years, and from what my mom said, only one of them was good. The rest were very hard.”