“Yeah, well, that hasn’t been an option.” She’s quiet as I continue to walk down the street.
Talking to my best friend, though irritating, has already started to ease my panic.
“Wait, he didn’t want you to call me? But you’re doing all of that right now.”
“He gave me my phone so I wouldn’t get lost and he could find me when he needed to pick me up.”
“Make sense.”
“But now I’m calling you, having a meltdown, and I’m ready to overthink.”
“How have you not overthought this whole time?”
“Because he told me to pretend.”
“What?” I see the store but keep walking when I spot a coffee shop
right behind it.
“Pretend I’m living in a fairy tale and not allowed to think about what happens when it’s over. Fuck it, I’m getting coffee first.”
“Is that a good idea? More caffeine? You seem a little on edge as it is.” My jaw tightens, teeth grinding as I try and take a deep breath.
The air won’t hit the bottom of my lungs.
“Shut the fuck up, Luna.”
“Okay, okay,” she says with a laugh. “Okay, you get your coffee, I’ll round up the crew, then you call from the coffee shop once you’re settled, yeah?” I take another breath as I open the door, a plan and the smell of caffeine making me feel a bit more at ease already.
“I don’t have all day.”
“Five minutes, Zo. This is Springbrook Hills, not New York City.
Valid.
“Okay. Call you in five.”
Ten minutes later, I have my phone propped against a bottle of water, my headphones in, a giant iced coffee in front of me, and I’m meticulously picking at a muffin while I wait for everyone to get on to our call.
Somehow in ten minutes, my best friend wrangled nearly our entire friend group on one video call. Hannah’s sitting in the messy office at the Center, while Kate and Sadie are hunkered together in Rise and Grind, the coworking and coffee shop Sadie owns. Jordan’s in her office at the Coleman Construction site, and Luna’s in the bar, which isn’t open for the day yet.
Now everyone is waiting on me, staring expectantly.
“So?” Sadie says. “How’s Zander in bed?” Luna goes a bit green.
“Oh my fucking god, Sadie. No. No way. We are not talking about my brother fucking my best friend.”
“But if they’re fucking, then they’re together,” Hannah says, always the logical one.
“One does not always equate to the other, Han,” Kate says.
“Says you who couldn’t even keep your hands off Dean long enough to get married before you had Jesse,” Sadie says with a laugh. Kate glares at our friend slash her boss.
“You guys, I don’t have time for this. I’m freaking out, and I’m supposed to be buying a dress.”
“A dress?” Jordan asks.
“A dress to go to dinner with Zander as it’s our last night.” I bite my lip before taking another sip of my coffee.
“What do you mean last night?” Luna says.
“We’re heading back home tomorrow. My interview is at two.”
“Your interview?” Sadie asks.
“You’re still going to that?” Luna asks, her face confused and a bit hurt, maybe?
“Well . . . yeah,” I say.
“If you get that job, you’re leaving town,” Luna says. I stay silent.
“Are you guys gonna like, do long distance?” Sadie asks, confused.
My gut drops.
My gut drops because this is why I jumped into pretending.
Reality makes beautiful things look too hard.
Reality makes beautiful things feel impossible.
“It’s not . . . We’re not . . . ,” I try to explain, but suddenly I have no words.
“You definitely are,” Luna says.
“What?”
“You definitely are,” she repeats, and with the words and the exasperation, she sounds like her mom, annoyed that her kids aren’t understanding basic facts.
“No, we’re not.”
“But you’ve been fucking,” Sadie says.
“Sadie!” Luna yells.
I ignore my best friend.
“We’ve been . . . We’ve been pretending.”
“Pretending?” Kate asks.
“It was his idea, really. We’re pretending that this is normal. That we’re together.”
“I think you lost us, babe,” Jordan says, her voice low and soft.
I sigh, trying to figure out how to explain the last week.
“So, we got in the car and started driving and . . . Okay, so it’s been great, right? We watched the sunrise on the beach, then out of nowhere, he stopped and made me dance with him in a parking lot—” Luna cuts in.
“No fucking way,” she says under her breath.
I ignore her.
“And he kissed me there, and I told him it wouldn’t work—”
“Zoe!” Hannah disciplines, interrupting again.
“—but he told me to play pretend. To pretend that we were something more.”
“And . . .”
“And I agreed.” Silence fills the line. That can’t be good, especially not from these women. Someone is always talking. “Anyway, the second night, Zander needed sleep, obviously, so we stayed for a few nights in North Carolina, and it was so pretty. We stayed in the cutest little bed-and-breakfast run by this older couple, and they were adorable, Lune. You would have loved them.”
Silence from the peanut gallery again, and I keep rambling because now I’ve started spilling it all and I can’t fucking stop.
“And then he drove us down to Georgia and found this little town with, like, no lights at night, and I thought it was weird, but then Zee had all this shit set up for a picnic so we could look at the stars.”
“Oh my fucking god,” Luna says, her voice low and shocked, but I don’t have time to question that.
I don’t have time to overthink it.
I need to just get it all out.
“So we went stargazing and then we slept in Georgia, and then he took me to Disney—”
“Disney?” Sadie asks, aghast and confused. “You’re telling me Zander Davidson took you to Disney World?”
“Well . . . yeah. I told you we’re doing this because when I was little, I told him he had to take me to Disney.”
Again, silence.
It’s starting to be a bit unsettling.
“It was just, you know. It was just part of the trip.”
“Zoe . . . ,” Luna starts her voice low.
“Oh, honey,” Hannah says, like she can’t help but feel bad.
“You guys, what?” I ask, my eyes wide and the panic creeping in again.
“Zander didn’t take you to Disney because he wanted to go. He didn’t take you because it was part of some kitschy trip you two planned as kids. He took you because it’s what you wanted.”
A part of my subconscious I’d covered in thick blankets starts to nod, a part that I’ve been ignoring since that first night.
“I don’t—”
“He took you because he knew you wouldn’t give him a chance if there wasn’t some kind of reason.”