I was almost grateful for the way lowering myself to my knee meant I could no longer see where Estrella’s blood stained the floor. I didn’t know if I could remain impassive while laying eyes upon it, but the scent of her blood rushing through my senses was enough to remind me. My nostrils flared as I forced my jaw to relax, hanging my head forward and parting my lips slightly so that I could breathe through my mouth instead of my nose.
The steps spread out in front of me, and Mab gazed down as her body perked up at the thought of finally having whatever form of entertainment she’d decided upon for the night. With the mate bond public knowledge, the laws of Faerie prevented her from ordering me to perform any form of sexual favors. Even Mab herself couldn’t violate the witches’ edict or the way it had tangled and twisted with the magic of Alfheimr. The consequences were swift, outside the realm of one being or entity. To do so was to suffer the wrath of an entire ancient coven.
“I am bored, Caldris,” she said, standing from her chair to approach the steps. “It has long been time for you to perform your duties and provide my court with entertainment.” She swept out a hand, making the onlookers cheer with her proclamation.
I gritted my teeth against my rage, the memory of all the times I’d been forced to participate in acts for the entertainment of her court rushing through me. Not all who inhabited the Court of Shadows were evil, but those who were deserved no less than being exterminated and sent to Helheim where they belonged.
“What is it my Queen wishes me to do?” I asked, raising my head.
I kept my face neutral, the disdain I felt for her carefully hidden behind a mask. I had no doubt that Mab could feel it, that she knew exactly how I and so many others felt about her hold over us. If I thought it possible, I’d have cut my chest open and torn her snake from my still-beating heart so that I could kill her as painfully as possible—or die trying.
“I’m feeling generous, so I will allow you to choose,” she said, her face caught with an aesthetically pleasing smile that never ended well for anyone.
Her boredom was bad enough, but when she thought she was feeling ‘kind’ was when the true cruelty she was capable of reared its head. She would make me choose between two impossible forms of suffering, and when I suffered, she would make me feel as if it was my fault and not hers.
Because I’d chosen it in the end.
“Will it be pleasure or pain?” Mab turned her head to the side, holding out a hand. Lady Malazan, Mab’s lady-in-waiting, walked to her side slowly. Her caution was notable, her face a careful mask even as her eyes lit with hope. She looked down at where I knelt, and I had spent far too much time with her to not hear her voice in my head.
How pretty a God looks on his knees for me.
I suppressed my shudder, turning my stare back to Mab. “I have a mate,” I reminded her, raising a brow. My relief for it was instant, knowing that of all the ways Mab could harm me, this was at least safe.
“I cannot force you to enjoy the body of another, but that doesn’t mean you cannot lie there and allow Malazan to take what she wishes from you,” Mab said, shrugging her shoulders. “She’s been such a dutiful companion these last centuries. Surely, we can reward such behavior.” Reward. My body, my cock, was not a reward for anyone but Estrella. I seethed, talons protruding from my fingertips as I dug them into the stone at my side.
“I will never be disloyal to my mate,” I said, holding her stare.
Mab’s mouth twisted into a pout. She didn’t truly care if I lay beaten and bloody on her floor or if Malazan rode my cock until it felt raw, only seeking the option that would torment me more in the long run. Betraying the woman I loved was the worst choice, but even she could not force me to do such a thing against my will when I had a mate of my own, and I would never allow it.
“Even if she does not make the same choice when I choose her to entertain my court next?” Mab asked, raising a brow.
She smirked, as if she knew what the thought of Estrella having to make such a choice would do to me. I couldn’t bear the possibility of another man moving within her, of her body being violated in such a way, but to be responsible for her making the choice of pain that would tear her in two was no better.
“Even then. Always,” I answered, knowing that if Estrella was faced with the same choice, her decision would not sway my own. She could choose to pleasure another male; she could choose pain, and I would not blame her for either, if it came to that. The choices she made under duress were not hers.
I would love her until chaos reigned, no matter what or who tried to come between us. I would gladly suffer the pain of a thousand knives rather than allow another woman to touch me in the way that only Estrella had the right to. I’d suffered without her for centuries, never knowing the touch of the female who would change me.
I’d never do anything to hurt her, gladly taking the pain upon myself instead.
Mab sighed and scoffed. “Feel free to go first, Malazan. He’s denied you all over again,” she said as she turned back to her throne. She dropped into it, her face twisted into a pout as she placed her head in her hands and prepared to watch.
I bowed my head forward as Malazan lifted her skirts delicately, making her way down the steps until she stopped just in front of me. She raised the layers of silk and lace, pulling her iron knife from the sheath strapped to her thigh. She placed the edge of the blade beneath my chin, light laughter escaping her as my skin burned with the contact. She lifted, dragging my stare to meet hers.
“I should castrate you for your rejection,” she said, glaring down at me. “It is a shame that your cock will grow back. My vengeance would be depriving your mate of that piece of flesh I am sure she loves all too much.”
I didn’t answer, staring up at her wordlessly and waiting for her to unleash her wrath upon me. Women like Malazan were not easily rejected, especially not with the status she’d gained at Mab’s side.
“Do you have nothing to say for yourself? No apology to sweetly murmur to me to excuse your rejection? Many males would kill to be in your place, I’ll have you know,” she said, her lips twisting into the slightest hint of a pout.
To live for centuries and still require the reassurance of a male companion was a particularly sad trait, and in anyone less despicable, I might have felt pity.
But not for her. “So fuck one of them,” I said, my face remaining deadpan as I wished she would just get it over with.
Her blade bit into my throat, slicing across it in her rage as fire tore through my flesh. Malazan’s lips twisted, her cruelty on full display as she drew her blade back. She struck again, stabbing it forward until it sank into the top of my shoulder. The blade cut through the flesh above my collarbone at the same time her other fist cracked against the side of my face.
And the pain began.
15
Estrella
I walked through the halls, the soles of my shoes clicking against the stone slowly. There’d been a flash of pain from Caldris the night before, a sharp burst of it across his throat. Walking to where Mab had summoned me felt like the worst torture after my bond with Caldris fell silent, the distinct vision of him slamming the window between us shut erupting in my head. I felt confident he’d done it intentionally, that he’d purposefully chosen to suffer alone rather than allowing me to try to bring him some comfort in his suffering.