It was little comfort when the bond remained silent hours later.
Nila had taught me how to walk in the impractical heeled shoes that added to my height, forcing me to pace back and forth until I was fully comfortable. Malachi lingered at my back, and I could feel his impatience as he waited for me to walk faster.
I hurried for no one when I was likely to fall flat on my ass, smirking when I thought of how frustrated he must have found the train of my dress. It forced him to either walk at my side like an equal or keep more distance than normal, lest he risk stepping upon the fabric. The light pink silk dragged over the dark stone behind me. Tiny bursts of light shimmered when the golden beads sewn into the fabric caught the glow of the torches.
The dress was backless, leaving the scars upon my back open to his gaze as I moved. The half where Mab had torn the skin from my body was smooth, unblemished by the physical reminder of what Lord Byron and the High Priestess had done to me all those years ago, but the other side remained marked by the signs of my suffering.
Nila had insisted on it, stating that I could not show them any weakness. Not when it meant they would use it against me, and the vulnerability and shame I felt about my scars would prove to be a weakness.
I would not be the product of what was done to me. I would not reduce myself to a victim when I stood stronger than I’d ever been, while Lord Byron rotted upon the ground in Mistfell. I may be a prisoner still, but I breathed.
That was more than I could say for him.
The fabric covered my breasts, curving toward my belly button on one side with only ribbons wrapping around my torso to connect to the other. The dress hung off my shoulders, draping with light, sheer sleeves that hung around my elbows and fell to the floor beside the skirts. The opposite side of the ribbons split up my thigh, revealing a line of leg as I moved.
Nila had lined my eyes in kohl, making the green of them stand out more. With my hair pulled back away from my face and braided in random sections, I felt like a different woman. Even with the gold circlet resting upon my head and the delicate color of my gown, I didn’t feel as vulnerable as I’d anticipated.
I felt like a woman, but I needed to embrace the fact that femininity did not equal weakness. That it was only the standards men placed upon us that made us believe the two were mutually exclusive.
The guards outside the throne room stared at me for a moment too long when they caught sight of me. I kept my chin raised and my gaze planted firmly upon the doors separating me from my newest torment. They opened slowly as the three guards heaved them open from the outside. Mab’s court waited as I stepped through the threshold, Malachi following behind me, with Nila trailing us. She drifted off into the crowd as I approached the dais, blending in to avoid Mab’s attention as she said my allies often would.
They existed just on the outskirts of her notice, gathering information that they might use if ever there came a time when someone was strong enough to challenge the Queen of Air and Darkness. Mab spoke to one of her companions, laughing as the woman cleaned blood from her blade.
The stain upon the stone floor was still wet in spots where the blood pooled. The puddle was broad enough that I had no doubt that whoever had been injured in such a way would be guaranteed to be dead if they had been a human. I swallowed as the scent of my mate washed over me. I would know the smell of his blood anywhere. It thrummed through my veins in response to the way it had been spilled.
Both women turned their gaze to me slowly, their posture changing as I stopped at the foot of the steps. The hem of my dress touched Caldris’s blood, staining it as I stopped there and swallowed. My eyes landed on Mab’s, understanding flashing between us. She knew that I knew, and we found ourselves at an impasse, waiting for the other to discuss the reality of what she must have done to my mate in that very spot the night prior.
The woman at Mab’s side sized me up, dragging her gaze over my body in a way that felt far too familiar, given that we’d never met.
“Estrella,” Mab said with a smile. She rose to her feet, taking a step away from her throne to look down upon me more fully. “What a delightful surprise to see you enjoying the luxuries court life can provide. I can only imagine what a stark contrast it has been to experience such things after your life in Nothrek.”
“It is certainly different,” I said, recalling the feel of the oiled, sparkling water on my skin. I would not give her the faintest hint of appreciation, choosing my words carefully and keeping my voice blank.
“So this is the one?” the woman at her side said, stepping forward.
She made her way down the steps, stopping at the last one and waiting just in front of me. She would have towered over me even if she hadn’t stood upon a stair, but the added height difference made me feel smaller than I was.
“Yes, Malazan. This is Caldris’s not-so-human mate,” Mab agreed, watching our interaction.
I glanced over Malazan’s shoulder, finding Mab’s lips tipped into a smirk. Whatever game I’d stepped into, whatever knowledge I was lacking, this woman clearly had a reason to hate me. Her eyes heated with disdain as she studied me, stepping down the final step and making her way around me. She made sure to step upon the fabric of my train, tearing it slightly as she went.
She hummed, reaching out with a hand to capture a single lock of my dark hair. Her own blonde hair shimmered in the candlelight as she stepped before me once more, her skin matching in fairness.
“I suppose you can only do so much to dress up a pig.” She turned her back on me, making her way back up the dais as the crowd chuckled.
A wave of insecurity filled me, leaving me feeling once again like an intruder in a land of pompous luxury. I would never fit in there, but as much as I wanted to find a place to call home, I didn’t want it to be this place bathed in cruelty. Nila’s words rang in my ears—her warning that this was exactly what they would do.
Women did not insult the attractiveness of those they thought beneath them. They insulted those they perceived to be a threat, wielding their own insecurity as a weapon against them.
“How long have you desired my mate for yourself?” I asked, making Malazan freeze in place.
The air around her went still, a chill creeping out from her as she spun with that unnatural speed only the Fae possessed. Hatred blazed in her eyes as I held her gaze.
“I have had your mate far more times than I care to count,” she said, the words dripping from her mouth like venom.
I waited for the moment when pain came from the admission, but Caldris’s past had stopped having the power to hurt me once I acknowledged how he felt about me. Nameless women in his past didn’t matter, because no sex could compare to the bond we shared.
They were nothing but a distant memory, no longer a threat to us or my confidence in our relationship. I could not continue to punish him for his conquests or bed partners before I’d even been born, and there was freedom in no longer allowing them to have any power over me.
“You and half the realm, it seems. But it is me who will share his bed for the rest of his days. You are one of countless others who will never again know the way his body feels, and you never knew the truth of him. He lives within me, his soul as much a part of me as mine,” I said, pausing as I delivered the final blow to her confidence.
I might not have done it if I hadn’t known she would already be my enemy, but nothing I could say or do would change my fate where her jealousy was concerned. I smiled sadly, my eyes filling with pity. “You are nothing to him, whereas I am his entire world. Dressed up pig or not.”