The Do-Over(65)
Author: Suzanne Park

 

To my therapist, I’d explained that that time in the shower felt like someone had made me wear a bra three sizes too small, tightening my chest and restricting my breathing. That alone was bad enough, but the light-headedness, rapidly beating heart, and hot flashes were also happening at the same time. It was something I never wanted to experience ever again.

 

I continued. “My anxiety got worse, but I sought out medical help eventually.” I lowered my shoulders and sighed. “My life had already been so stressful, but to try to graduate early on top of that, which I clearly didn’t accomplish . . . I was a wreck my last semester. And it turned out I went through all of that for nothing. I didn’t even finish ahead of schedule, I did the exact opposite.”

 

Close to tears, he scrubbed his hand on his chin. “God, I’m so sorry, Lily. I wish I’d paid more attention. I hate myself every time I think about it. For what it’s worth, I’m listening now. And I’m here for you, I mean it.”

 

Reliving that painful time of my life and talking about it with him left half of my body tingling, with the other half numb, like I’d gotten local anesthesia and the shot was wearing off. “I bottled everything inside . . . until I finally broke. It wasn’t until Mia took me to the ER for abdominal pains during exam week that last semester that she knew how badly I was silently suffering. I found out that anxiety and stress worsens the ulcers in my stomach, and well, let’s just say I’m determined to keep a Zen lifestyle now so I’m not buckled over in pain all the time.” I stared into his eyes and held a weak smile. “That was a lot I just unloaded on you. But I wanted to let you know I’m stronger now.”

 

He swallowed hard. “I know I don’t deserve it, but if you find it in your heart to forgive me, I’d do anything for a second chance at . . . us. I can never apologize enough for how I acted all those years ago. But I can assure you I’m not the same guy I was back then.” Jake averted his eyes to look at the ground. “That day we were leaving for Paris and Spain, I was a total asshole to you. My parents had been on my case all throughout college about how I drop out of everything—first pre-law, then premed—and threatened to cut me off financially if I didn’t have a life plan. I panicked. I didn’t want them to see me abandon the study abroad opportunity too. It was selfish and I was too preoccupied with showing them I could start and finish something for once in my life. At the very least I should have stayed a while, or called you right away, but I didn’t.”

 

I bit my bottom lip. “You were going through a lot too. I’m so sorry about that. I wish everything hadn’t spiraled so quickly. They say college is the best time of your life, but that’s not true for everyone.”

 

He sighed and peered at me through his dark lashes. “Yes, but some of my best college memories are ones with you. I spent so many years thinking about what I would do or say if I ever ran into you again. How I’d fall to my knees and ask for your forgiveness. Tell you that ten years ago I missed you so much my chest ached. But when I saw you in the CS class that first day, my heart lodged inside my throat. I could see that you’d moved on, and you were thriving without me.”

 

I coughed. “I’d hardly call it thriving.”

 

His eyes lit up. “Are you kidding me? All that you’ve done, everything you’ve accomplished, and you still don’t see it? You’re amazing, Lily. You inspired me with your return to campus. I’ve made big changes in my life because of you, and I’m hoping they’ll all pan out to make a life inside and outside academia, a life with you included, if you’ll allow it. And if you’ll let me, I want to make you my top priority.”

 

I waved my hand dismissively. “Well, hold on. Let’s not forget that you’re still technically my TA. The last thing I need is another scandal rocking the campus now. Everything in my life is behaving like a roaring wildfire in unpredictable winds, no need to fuel that with a tornado of Title Nine compliance warnings.”

 

The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile. “Understood. I don’t want to distract you from your work and studies, but I would love to start by making things right between us, even if the timing isn’t right at the moment. I can wait.”

 

My body shivered. “Really?”

 

He nodded. “When I saw you on the first day of class, my heart burst wide open. I couldn’t believe it. And as we got to know each other again, I thought, what were the odds I’d get a twice-in-a-lifetime chance with you? I was the luckiest man alive.”

 

Maybe he was just being overly sentimental and nostalgic. “And what about your ex? You didn’t spend that time on-and-off with her thinking she was your second chance at true love?”

 

“No way. Gabby was not a good person. She wasn’t only cruel to me, she also neglected the pets. She would go on last-minute overnight or multiday trips with her girlfriends when I was away for work, and sometimes she’d forget to feed Sasha and Bandit before she left. She never took Sasha out for walks. Not that I’m a stalker, but I had proof from the front-door camera footage. I had to get out of that relationship, for their sake.”

 

“How could you abandon Sasha and Bandit?” I cried out. “I would never do that!”

 

“I know.” He took a step back to look at my face. Jake brought his hands up to my cheeks. “I told myself if I ever had this chance again, I would be smart enough to never let you go. Lily Lee, I love you, even more than I did back then. I fell for you all over again, really damn hard.” His thumbs slid down the curve of my cheekbones to my jaw.

 

Jake Cho was the first and last person to break my heart. And that was something I couldn’t just forget. But time had passed and we had both grown and changed. I wanted this second shot as much as he did.

 

The words I wanted to say for so long finally came out. “I love you too, Jake.”

 

I stood on my tiptoes, and my lips met his. The light touch of our kiss sent tingles through my entire body.

 

He grinned. “Can I say one more thing, and then I’ll shut up, I promise. Remember all those years ago, when I added you to the favorites list on my phone?”

 

I nodded. Because back then, for Jake Cho, that was practically a wedding engagement.

 

He lifted his shoulders into a barely perceptible shrug. “I never removed you. In Spain, I reached out a few times and hoped you would return my calls. But even after so many years, knowing it was never going to happen, I left your name on the list. It probably doesn’t make sense, but it helped me keep my promise to you that if you ever called—”

 

“You would always pick up.” Tears welled in my eyes as I nodded, remembering that when he last took my call, he was walking into his dissertation presentation.