Eventually, she hit Accept.
“Reagan?”
Any response she might’ve given lodged in her throat and refused to rise any higher.
When he heard nothing, his voice grew gentle. “I’m sorry. But it’s going to be okay.”
“How could...anybody...be so stupid?” she managed to respond, hiccuping through her tears.
“You were lonely. You were working too many hours. You had no social life or other outlet. And you believed what he told you.”
“But I’m a...a smart woman. All it would’ve taken was a condom!”
“It happened at the office. You weren’t planning on having sex with him or you would’ve been prepared.”
“I was so stupid. How am I going to deal with this?”
“You’ll find the strength. It’s not as though you’re still in high school. You’re an adult. You can care for a child, if that’s what you want. And if that isn’t what you want...there are other options.”
She didn’t sense any judgment in that statement. Rally was one of those people who saw the many gray areas of life, and she really liked that about him. “No good ones,” she complained. She’d thought of them all. Gone over them ad nauseam when she couldn’t sleep for fear she’d find herself in this exact situation.
“You’ll have time to think it over and decide.”
She dashed a hand across her cheek. “It’s karma. I deserve this.”
“No, you don’t. The universe isn’t out to punish you. It’s just one of those things. Unplanned pregnancies happen.”
She imagined telling her mother she was expecting with no potential husband—not even a significant other—to help support the baby and felt nauseous. Her mother had preached and preached about birth control, about the difficulty of raising a child alone.
And their relationship was already so rocky. Although Rosalind had tried to call once since Reagan had told her she’d quit her job, Reagan hadn’t answered.
Anyway, what was she going to say? She’d always been careful not to get on her mother’s bad side. She knew how long her mother withheld her love and support as punishment.
Reagan supposed she’d have to apologize to Rosalind eventually, figured she should get the punishment cycle started by allowing her mother to criticize her actions until she’d exhausted her anger.
But Reagan couldn’t bring herself to do it; she wasn’t ready for that yet.
“Do I tell Drew?”
“I think he should be held responsible, don’t you?”
“I don’t want him in my life.”
“You do have the option to leave him out of it, but it’ll cost you a bit more.”
“It’s not just about finances. Wouldn’t my child deserve to know her father?”
“In a perfect world, yes. But in my opinion, no father is better than a bad father—if the child has a good mother. And this one will.”
Reagan clung to her phone as she stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes, big and hollow, looked like a stranger’s—a panicked stranger. She’d been raised without a father, didn’t want the same thing for her child. But maybe, as Rally had said, it would’ve been different if she’d had a more sensitive and caring mother. If Rosalind hadn’t been so strict and busy all the time, Reagan wouldn’t have longed for someone else.
Would she be a loving parent? Or would she resent her child, see him or her as a nuisance, dead weight she had to carry, the way her own mother had?
Taking a deep breath, she tried to pull herself together. “Why are you even talking to me, Rally?” she asked. “You barely know me. It would be easy for you to walk away. Any other guy would.”
“Reagan, if I only chose people who have no problems to be my friends, I’d have no friends.”
He was being so kind. She wished she could allow his words to comfort her. But she was afraid to rely on them—on him. She knew from experience that she had to rely on herself.
“Thanks. Listen, I hear Lucy so Lorelei must be back,” she lied. “I’d better go.”
“I’ll call you later?” he said.
“You don’t have to,” she replied and disconnected. Then she stuffed the packaging from her tests back in the brown paper sack, which she scrunched up so it’d look empty, and threw it away.
She didn’t want her sisters to know. She had a lot of decisions to make before she told anyone else.
20
serenity
THE DRIVE TO Berkeley had been quick and easy. The weather was pleasant, the roads clear. There wouldn’t be heavy traffic on Westbound 80 until Sunday night, when the visitors from Sacramento and the Bay Area had to return for work on Monday. Then it could get backed up for miles.
In an effort to keep her mind off seeing Sawyer again, she listened to a podcast on writing the entire way. She knew Reagan, Lorelei and Lucy would’ve been happy to tag along and keep her company. They’d expressed an interest in seeing her house, and she planned to show it to them. But since they’d be with her all summer—meaning there’d be other chances—she hadn’t invited them on this particular trip. She’d made it sound as though she had to take care of some business so she could meet Sawyer alone. She preferred her sisters not be around when he arrived. Seeing him was going to be awkward enough without having to introduce two family members he never knew she had, especially since she couldn’t explain where they’d come from.
She decided she wouldn’t mention them at all. She’d find those pictures of Sean for her ex-mother-in-law, get them returned and, in the process, say what she felt she needed to say to Sawyer. Then she’d drive back to the cabin, where she’d show Reagan and Lorelei the letter she’d discovered in her mother’s old jewelry box.
She’d been putting that off, hadn’t wanted them to immediately assume she’d found the answer. It wasn’t an answer she was happy to accept. But this was the only lead they had, and if Uncle Vance was really her father, she figured she might as well face it. Solving the mystery might lead to greater problems, but at least they’d understand how they were connected and could go from there.
“Really, though? Uncle Vance?” she muttered but managed to rein in her disgust when her mother called. Her father got on the phone after Charlotte to say hello and tell her he missed her, and she felt she did an admirable job of acting as though nothing had changed. She had good parents; she couldn’t deny that. So how Lorelei and Reagan could’ve appeared out of nowhere didn’t make any sense.