“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. Maybe. I had no idea. The door was a pretty good muffler. “Can you open the door? We need to talk.”
“We’ve talked enough.” I tossed the used wipe into the small trashcan I kept next to my dresser. “You made sure of that.”
“Goddamn it.” He knocked his fist against my door. “Five minutes. Okay? Five minutes. That’s all I need.”
“You’ve got it.” I folded my arms across my chest and stared at the door. “Doesn’t mean I’m gonna open the door for you.”
“Fine. Look—I think that just about everything I said then came across wrong. I didn’t mean it the way you took it. You’re my best friend’s sister, Ava. If anything happens between us, I know I’m gonna feel like I’ve betrayed Leo. You will, too. And more than anything, I’m gonna feel like I’ve betrayed you. You don’t need someone who doesn’t even know if they’re still gonna be in town past the holidays. You deserve better than that.”
My eyes stung again. I didn’t know if it was because of his words or because I was just so, so emotionally exhausted from pulling myself from pillar to post.
“We’ve never gotten along. You’re right about that, and I stand by what I said. It’s easier to fight with you than be friends with you. Until the other day, I was sure you did genuinely hate me, and I could live with that.”
“Obviously not.”
“I could and I did. Until I moved in, it was only physical, but listen to me. There’s something else there, Ava, something that scares the fucking shit out of me. Something I can’t deal with because of who you are.”
My heart.
It was going insane.
“I am obsessed with the idea of you,” he said, this time a lot softer. “At least I think I am. I can’t focus on anything else right now, but I don’t know what it means. I just know that I don’t want to hurt you in any way, and my decision to kiss you has done that. Also, on a totally unrelated note, I’d very much like you to return the insoles of my shoes that you stole today.”
I bit my lower lip, fighting a momentary smile. “I’ll swap them for my socks.”
“Shit. I thought I gave those back.”
“Nope. You stole them right around the time you royally pissed me off. Remember?” I unlocked my bedroom door and pulled it open.
Ethan looked down at me, his dark blue eyes shining with warring emotions. If the eyes were the windows to someone’s soul, his soul was messed the hell up right now.
“Noah said this morning that I’m welcome to stay at his place until I find an apartment,” he said softly, putting his hands in his pockets. “I won’t be offended or pissed off if you want me to go, Ava. I’ve fucked up a lot here with you, and I honestly wish we could go back to hating each other.”
I wrapped my arms around my waist, thanking God that I’d thrown on a black tank top tonight. As for my underwear—eh. They were plain blue. Boring.
“I’m not going to throw you out.” I held his gaze with mine. “If you leave, it’s of your own volition. But I mean what I said. Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear any of it. If you’re not going to act on the way you feel, don’t say anything at all.”
Darkness clouded his eyes. “I can’t,” he said in a low voice, reaching out. He cupped my cheek for a second before he dropped his hand again. “I can’t do it to your brother.”
I raised one shoulder in a shrug before dropping it again. His words stung more than I ever wanted to admit. “Then don’t do it.”
“Ava—”
I shut the door in his face.
Slowly, I fell against it, resting my cheek against the cool wood as emotion barreled through me. Days ago, we’d hated each other. We actively tried to piss each other off.
And now?
Now, I had no idea.
Except for one thing. There was one thing I was absolutely, positively, one hundred percent certain about.
Ethan Hawkins could never ever know exactly how I felt about him.
And that was the end of that.
***
I am obsessed with the idea of you.
That was it.
The idea.
Not me. Just the idea.
Was it because I was his best friend’s sister? That the way we felt about each other was… forbidden?
Was forbidden even the right word?
No. It wasn’t forbidden.
I knew my brother. If I told him how I felt, he wouldn’t be angry. He might think I was stupid, but that was about it. I didn’t necessarily think he’d stop anything from happening, either.
He just wasn’t that kind of person. As much as I ribbed on him, he was a good brother. He was a good person. He’d never do anything to get in the way of my happiness.
But it wasn’t just me. It was Ethan’s life, too, and I knew he didn’t want Leo to find out we’d kissed.
It didn’t matter. It was blatantly obvious that nothing was going to happen, and that was exactly why Reagan and Halley were leaning over the island in Reagan’s new kitchen, mouths agape.
“Are you fucking serious?” Reagan demanded, slapping her hand against the counter.
“You’ve lost your mind.” Halley shook her head so vigorously she almost dislodged her glasses. “Ava, think this through.”
“I have!” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I have, okay? Nothing will happen with Ethan. I’ve said that all along and nobody listened to me. I’m telling you right now that I’m making the right choice.”
“Butler made you miserable!”
“She’s right,” Reagan pushed her purple hair behind her ear. “You were so on and off that I had to pay for whiplash treatment at one point.”
I pursed my lips. “No, you didn’t.”
“You’re right, I didn’t, but I may as well have.”
Halley held up her hands, compassion in her eyes. “Ava, think about this. You’re only doing this because of what’s happened with Ethan. You don’t actually want to go out with Butler again.”
She was right. I didn’t. Maybe it made me a bitch for going to dinner with my ex, but I was long past caring. I needed a distraction from Ethan, and while Butler was a shit boyfriend, he was pretty great in bed.
“You know as well as we do that you’re not going to sleep with him. And what if you do? What’s gonna happen? You’ll date again, and in two months, you’ll break up.”
“If it lasts that long,” Reagan added, ever the beacon of positivity. “This is a bad idea, Ava. You need to think this through.”
“I have. I just need a distraction, and me and Butler never said we’d never get back together.”
Halley groaned. “Ava, I love you. We both love you. But he made you miserable. What do you think you’ll actually achieve by having dinner with him?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out. I didn’t know. They were right, as far as it went, but I didn’t know what I was doing.
I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t going to pretend I was or that what I was doing was a good decision.
I just wanted to not think about Ethan for one night.
If going out with Butler did that…