She sat up. ‘Oh.’
‘Exactly, ma’am. Officer Lockland’s opinion was that Mrs Chubb appeared to be having difficulty separating fact from fiction due to the empty nature of the fridge. No eggs, no butter, no cheese . . .’
‘No tentacles.’
‘If there had been, ma’am, they weren’t there now.’
She put her hand over her eyes. ‘I hardly dare ask.’
He started to get up. ‘Then I shan’t worry you with any further details, ma’am.’
‘Living dangerously this morning, Charlie.’
‘I am your adjutant, ma’am. It’s in my job description.’
‘I am assuming, given the size of this report, that Lt Grint and Trainee Lockland did not, having ascertained the Time Vortexless nature of the fridge, return to TPHQ to resume their allotted tasks for the day.’
‘Well, I think that would have been Lt Grint’s first choice, ma’am, but it would appear the mission did not work out quite as planned.’
She sighed. ‘I’m actually considering making that our new motto. Did not work out quite as planned. How would that look in Latin, Charlie?’
‘Er . . .’ He closed his eyes. ‘Um . . . Quod non satis elaborare sicut cogitavit is the best I can come up with off the top of my head, ma’am.’
‘It’s a bloody sight more accurate than Protecting the Past to Ensure Your Future. Have it printed on all our stationery in future.’
‘I shall do so as soon as I receive written confirmation of that instruction, ma’am.’
‘Please tell me we’ve reached the point where Lt Grint and Trainee Lockland returned quietly to TPHQ.’
‘Not quite, ma’am. Trainee Lockland had other ideas.’
‘This is still our Trainee Lockland? Tiny, underweight, shy, low self-esteem?’
‘The very one, ma’am.’
‘Only, you know, I wondered if, perhaps, somehow, we’d acquired another.’
‘I can check the staff roll, ma’am, but I believe not.’
‘Oh. Proceed.’
‘According to Lt Grint, Trainee Lockland was considerably incensed at the emptiness of Mrs Chubb’s fridge. As was Lt Grint himself but, it turned out, their incensedness had two separate causes.’
‘I feel sure I should, at this point, question your use of the word incensedness, but I have been seized by a dreadful foreboding.’
‘There’s another word, ma’am.’
‘What?’
‘Foreboding.’
Commander Hay’s hand strayed towards her paper knife. ‘I am assuming Lockland was incensed at the lack of food and Grint at the lack of tentacles?’
‘Exactly. Well, it would seem a flurry of instructions were issued and Trainee Lockland set off for the local shops while Lt Grint was despatched to the social offices.’
‘Do I gather the driving force behind these instructions was not the officer nominally in charge of this particular investigation?’
‘No, ma’am. Apparently, it was felt – by Trainee Lockland – that a six-foot-four, sixteen-stone Time Police officer with the social skills of a T-rex with barbed-wire-encased haemorrhoids, and in possession of enough weaponry to level a street, would . . . induce . . . the officials to regard Mrs Chubb’s predicament in a kindly and timely manner.’
She closed her eyes. ‘Tell me Lt Grint has not razed these civilian premises to the ground.’
‘Not . . . quite, ma’am.’
‘Oh God.’
‘It would appear that being handed a number and invited to wait stretched Lt Grint’s already limited . . . social proficiency . . . to the limit. Announcing his disinclination to comply with their request, he discharged his weapon . . .’ he consulted the file, ‘in a timely and effective manner as required by Regulation Twenty-Two open bracket small letter b close bracket sub-sections eye, eye-eye, and eye-vee – and quite a large section of the ceiling fell in.’
‘What happened to eye-eye-eye?’
‘No idea, ma’am. Would you like me to . . . ?’
‘No.’
‘After that, Lt Grint had only to read out the list of demands drawn up in advance by Trainee Lockland, for emergency procedures to be immediately initiated. Mrs Chubb now enjoys the benefits of meals on wheels, a twice-weekly home help and a weekly visit to the social centre. And her request for additional benefits has been expedited. Trainee Lockland herself has packed the interior of the fridge to such an extent that dread Cthulhu couldn’t get a tentaclehold in there even if he wanted to. Furthermore . . .’ He paused.
‘There’s more?’
‘Possibly to compensate for his loudly stated disappointment at missing the opportunity to grapple with dread Cthulhu – that morning, at least – Lt Grint was encouraged to visit Mrs Chubb’s landlord, who was tracked down to a local establishment where he had been, until that moment, enjoying a lunchtime pint and a game of snooker. It appears, thanks to the combined efforts of the aforementioned landlord, together with a man designated as his brother-in-law, that Mrs Chubb now has hot water and a working downspout. Not forgetting, with hardly any prompting at all from Lt Grint, a new lock on her back door. Trainee Lockland reports that improved nutrition will almost certainly ensure the non-appearance of dread Cthulhu in the future.’
He sat back and waited for his commanding officer’s response.
‘I’m sorry, I’m still struggling with the idea of Lockland issuing a stream of instructions to what, I am certain, would have been an extremely reluctant Lt Grint.’
‘She was responsible for the entire episode, as she makes clear in her report. Lt Grint, she says firmly, was not to blame in any way.’
‘He could have refused – he has seniority and he’s three times bigger than she is.’
‘I don’t think it entered his head, ma’am. Trainee Lockland was, apparently, quite forceful.’
She gestured at the file. ‘And what am I expected to do about all this?’
‘Well, that’s entirely up to you, ma’am.’
She sighed. ‘Lose the file, Charlie.’
‘And if we should receive a complaint?’
‘From whom?’
‘Well, the property owner, possibly, or the social office staff . . .’
She sighed. ‘We who know and love Lt Grint are fully aware of his many endearing qualities, but I suppose it is possible he and his blaster could come as quite a shock to strangers – as, indeed, he is supposed to.’ She drummed her fingers on her desk. ‘Should the situation arise, tell everyone – everyone – we’ve lost the file and are therefore unable to confirm or deny their complaint.’