She's my one weakness. A beacon of true innocence... My Beatrice.
I stagger to my feet, dropping the whip to the floor. With uneven movements, I make it to the shower. Taking the rest of my clothes off, I prop myself under the jet of water and let it wash the blood away. Everything is red.
Blood...
Like that night.
I lose my balance, falling on the shower floor. The water is still running, coursing over my head and mingling with my tears.
I grab onto my knees and I start rocking.
Sinner.
I'm a sinner.
Lord, what have I done?
Chapter Ten
AGE TEN,
"HURRY, BOY!" FATHER SCOWLS at me as I try to keep up with his big strides. It's been a month since he's started taking me with him to his meetings with the Pakhan. The first time he took me there was also my first time witnessing him interact with someone outside our household. The Pakhan is very much like father. He has the same coldness in his eyes. He also has children, but so far I've only met Misha. He's older than me, but I can't say I like him. He's a bully. He likes to pick on me when there's no one else around. He thinks his words impact me, but after living with father for so long, I think nothing can scare me. I rarely react to his taunts, and I think that annoys him.
We reach a door and father gives me a shove inside. "I told you to hurry, boy. I don't have all day." I look him in the eyes without blinking and I nod. One thing that I've learned when dealing with father is that he will treat me even worse if I show any sign of weakness or fear. He likes it when I look him straight in his eyes. One might even say he is proud when I stand up to him. Inside, father is greeted by the Pakhan and they hug, kissing each other on both cheeks.
"Giovanni," The Pakhan says and motions towards some stairs. "I already have them ready for you." A smile spreads onto his face at this, and my father chuckles.
"It's time to show these boys how it's done, wouldn't you say?" He half-turns towards me and I have the sudden urge to take a step back. Instead, I just steel myself and try to look impervious to anything they have to say or do to me.
"I have to say, I can't wait to see what your boy is made of."
"Vlad is here today too?" Father asks. I'd heard about Vlad before. He is another one of the Pakhan's children, a couple years younger than me.
"Yes..." The Pakhan grimaces. "I need to discipline him. He killed another one of my guards. Again." He shakes his head and starts walking towards the basement.
I have to wonder what happened to Vlad. Is his father forcing him to be bad as well? Maybe we could be friends.
We go down the stairs until we reach a basement. There are a few doors, and the Pakhan leads us to the furthest door on the right. He opens it, and we follow him inside.
The room is completely empty but for a table on the side. There is something on the table, but I can't quite make it out since the lighting is extremely poor.
A boy is standing next to the table, his gaze fixated on whatever is on top of it.
"Vlad!" The Pakhan's sharp tone seems to shake him out of his reverie, and he slowly turns his head towards us. He walks casually, with measured steps, until he is in front of the Pakhan.
"Otets." He greets his father with a tilt of his head.
He is slightly shorter than me, with dark hair and black eyes. So black, in fact, they look soulless—empty. His complexion coupled with his features make him seem like a doll. A lifeless doll that still moves. I don't know why, but just one look at him and a shiver goes down my spine. Unlike father and the Pakhan, his eyes don't have that malicious coldness. No, they are just bleak.
The Pakhan seems satisfied with that gesture of subservience and nods to one of the men outside the door. Soon, a man is being brought inside the room by two guards. He is thrashing around, and the guards secure him to a chair. One look at the adults, and I can see they are relishing this. I have an inkling of what is about to happen.
"Giovanni, this one's all yours. For now." The Pakhan mentions and a smile spreads on father's face. He goes to the table and picks up something... a knife, I think.
"Felix, you should have known this was going to happen when you spilled our secrets." Father takes a few steps until he is in front of Felix. He holds the knife up so the blade reflects the light, before moving it down Felix's cheek in a caressing motion.
"Let's see what you have to say in your defense." He lowers the gag from Felix's mouth and he immediately starts saying something.
"It wasn't...." Father takes advantage of this to grab his tongue, and in one swift movement he slices it. Looking with disgust at the piece of flesh in his hand, he flings it back, and it falls to my feet.
"I think you spoke enough." Father says, laughing at his own joke. The Pakhan joins as well, so do the guards sitting next to the door. Vlad's gaze is focused on the blood dripping from the man's mouth.
"There's no such thing as a pardon here." Father looks at me as he says this. I raise my head higher and try not to show I'm affected by what's happening.
I keep myself calm and controlled as I watch father maim the man, chuckling every once in a while at a morbid joke.
"That's it." Father throws the knife on the ground and picks up a white cloth to wipe his hands off blood.
The prisoner is writhing on the floor, a few fingers strewn around him, his eye hanging out of his socket. He's still alive, but barely.
Father winks at the Pakhan and settles back, switching the roles.
The Pakhan slowly assesses the situation before picking up a drill from the table.
"Watch and learn, boy." Father says.
I bring my focus back to the Pakhan.
"Some areas on the body bring more pain than others. This isn't just torture. It's a lesson in what happens if you betray us."
With one hand, he grasps Felix's foot and lifts it up.
"See here, the arch of the foot is a very sensitive area." He starts the drill and locating a middle point in the man's arch, he pushes the drill bit into it. Felix chokes on the pain, making a strangled sound as the drill advances, until the head disappears inside the foot. The pain must be unbearable, because at some point he passes out.
"Fuck!" The Pakhan curses as he realizes that.
"Finish him off and let's eat." Father complains, clearly not impressed with how things turned out. The Pakhan shakes his head in disappointment, and taking a small axe, he severs the head from the body.
"Let's eat!"
Lunch is even worse than watching someone being tortured, if that's possible. Vlad is as quiet as he'd been before, sometimes fixating on something with his eyes. Father and the Pakhan are boisterous and they just won't shut up. You'd think that at least during a meal they'd shut about their depraved acts, but it's just another opportunity for them to compete for the title of the most immoral in the room. Otherwise, I can't explain why they'd talk about the men they've killed, the whores they've fucked and the money they've made... all illegal, of course. The details are something I have no wish to hear, so I do my best to block everything out and focus on my food. Too bad even my appetite's gone.