‘Feed Catherine to the lions,’ said little Edward. ‘She’s stinky.’
‘I’m not,’ said Catherine indignantly. ‘You are.’
‘If they’re both stinky,’ said Ellie, ‘we’d better not feed them to the lions – we might make them sick. I think we should bathe them and get them into bed.’
‘Story!’ shouted both children together. ‘Uncle Barty. Story.’
‘If you run upstairs and ask Nanny nicely to get you ready for bed, I’ll send Uncle Barty up in a moment. Off you go.’
Dunn put the children down and they scampered from the room.
‘You don’t mind, do you, dear?’ said Ellie as their footsteps thundered on the stairs.
‘Not at all. I’ll tell them the one about the musician and the Parisian waitress.’
‘Teddy bears and toy soldiers will be fine,’ said Ellie. ‘But thank you for the offer.’
She pressed the servants’ bell, and a few moments later Lottie the housemaid hurried in.
‘Yes, ma’am?’ she said, breathlessly.
‘I keep telling you, you don’t have to run, dear,’ said Ellie. ‘Nothing’s ever that urgent. Could you get us a big ice bucket and three glasses for the champagne, please. We’ll have it in the dining room. And could you tell Mrs Ponton we’ll be ready for dinner in about half an hour.’
‘Right you are, ma’am. Thank you, ma’am.’
Lottie hurried away.
Half an hour later, the three old friends sat down to dinner.
‘Delicious nosh as always,’ said Dunn as he tucked in. ‘Love this fishy tomato soup.’
‘It’s Maryland Clam Chowder, you uncultured oaf,’ said Ellie. ‘It’s taken me a little while, but I finally persuaded Mrs Ponton to try making some dishes from the old country. Our last cook wouldn’t countenance it. “I’ll not be cookin’ none of that foreign muck if you don’t mind, Mrs Maloney,” she said, and served us boiled beef, boiled mutton, and steak and kidney pudding – which was at least steamed rather than boiled. The only thing she was prepared to put in the oven was shepherd’s pie, but only because she’d been free to boil the life out of the mince and potatoes first. We had to let her go.’
‘This is boiled, though, this soup.’
‘Chowder.’
‘This chowder.’
‘It is, but it reminds me of home. And the next course is to die for. Maryland Chicken. You’ll love it.’
‘Is it boiled?’
‘Fried. Then steamed. Cream gravy. Mashed potatoes. I asked Cook to get corn on the cob but apparently the greengrocer looked at her like she was asking for mermaid tears collected in a unicorn horn.’
‘I’ve never heard of it,’ said Dunn.
‘You’re all peasants.’
‘I keep telling you that, love,’ said Skins. ‘But you had some fancy, romantic notion about improving us. Something about taming the musical savages.’
‘And look how far you’ve come,’ she said, pouring everyone more champagne.
‘I owe it all to you.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, you do. Now, tell us, Barty dear, what’s happening in your world? How’s the romantic drought?’
Dunn looked accusingly at Skins. ‘Do you have to tell her everything?’
‘I don’t have to, mate,’ said Skins. ‘I just like to.’
‘Why don’t you try to find a nice girl you have something in common with?’ said Ellie. ‘Someone you could – oh, I don’t know – stay with for more than a night? Someone to love.’
‘You sound like my landlady,’ said Dunn.
‘It’s only because we care about you, sweetie. We want you to be happy. What about Blanche? Is she still single? I’ve not spoken to her for simply ages.’
‘I’m not dating Blanche Adams. She’s . . . It would be like going out with my sister.’
‘I like her.’
‘I like her, too.’
‘Is she well?’
‘My sister?’
‘No, you goofus. Blanche.’
‘As far as I know. Come along tomorrow night and you can ask her yourself.’
‘Where are you playing tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘It’s the regular one at Tipsy Harry’s,’ said Skins.
‘Oh, yes – sorry, I keep thinking that’s Saturdays. Sure, I’d love to. I can scope out the regulars and see if Superintendent Thingummy’s deserter is there. Maybe take a look around for the secret vault. Then I can ask Blanche why she’s not dating Barty.’
‘Don’t you bloody dare,’ said Dunn.
‘Well, one of us has to do something and it doesn’t seem as if it’s going to be you.’
Lottie arrived bearing a platter of chicken and a bowl of mashed potatoes. ‘There’s carrots and peas on the way, ma’am. I couldn’t carry it all at once.’ She hurried out.
‘She explains that every time, bless her,’ said Ellie. ‘She must think me a frightful ogre.’
‘You can be quite terrifying,’ said Dunn.
‘Me? How on earth do you make that out?’
‘You know how to use a gun, for one thing.’
‘Where I come from, everyone knows how to use a gun.’
‘Yes, but I saw you shoot a tin can off a fence at about a hundred and fifty yards. There were blokes in our platoon couldn’t hit a bus at ten feet. I’d not mess you about – you might shoot me.’
‘But she doesn’t know I could shoot her dead before she got to the corner of the street,’ said Ellie. ‘And I’ve been nothing but charming and polite. Kind, even.’
‘Some people are just nervous and eager to please.’
‘Well, I hope she’s not unhappy here. I like her. But anyway, what’s it like, this Tipsy Harry’s place?’ she said.
‘Typical posh blokes’ club,’ said Skins. ‘All marble and plummy accents.’
‘Liveried servants,’ said Dunn.
‘How the other half live, eh?’ said Ellie.
‘You are the other half,’ said Dunn. ‘Look at this place.’
‘Sure, we’re comfortable,’ she said. ‘But not liveried-servants-in-a-private-gentlemen’s-club comfortable.’
‘Well, I think you’d fit right in,’ said Dunn.
‘And I think I really could help you find your deserter. And the treasure.’
‘You’d better come with us, then,’ said Skins.
The band arrived at the club early the next evening and set up as usual in the ballroom.
‘We seem to be spending a lot of time here these days, what with the lessons and all,’ said Blanche. ‘Did we ever find out why the East Finchley mob couldn’t do the rest of them? They were double-booked for that first one we did, but what about the others?’
‘Not completely sure,’ said Mickey. ‘Rumour is that they might be splitting up. Something to do with a dispute over their shares of the takings, I heard. But I also heard their sax player was ill, so I don’t know what to make of it. Probably that, to be honest – if I had half a crown for every time someone told me a band was splitting up, I’d be a member at a place like this instead of the hired help.’