‘Actually, I’ve been thinking,’ I say. ‘I do feel as if everything has been a bit overwhelming. I’ve already spoken to Leonard and I’m taking some time off work.’ This time I do catch Luke’s eye, but he doesn’t betray my version of events. I continue. ‘I need a bit of headspace. I thought I’d spend a few days visiting Nadine. You know, Nadine Horricks, who I went to school with? She lives in Cambridgeshire now. She’s always said if ever I want to come and visit.’
‘Nadine Horricks?’ says Luke. ‘There’s a blast from the past. I didn’t know you were that friendly still.’
‘We keep in touch, you know that,’ I say. Luke makes some sort of noise resembling an acknowledgement, but doesn’t comment further.
‘I remember Nadine,’ says Mum. ‘Nice girl. Went on to be a nurse or something, I think.’
‘That’s right,’ I say. ‘Anyway, thought I’d go and see her.’
Mum pats my hands. ‘That’s a good idea, darling. And when you come back, everything will be just fine.’
I take a final sip of my tea. ‘In fact, I’ll go and email her now.’
I go into the living room and switch on my laptop. Luke comes in and leans against the doorframe.
‘What are you up to?’ he says.
‘Me? Nothing. I’m just emailing Nadine, like I said.’
‘That will be Nadine, who I know for a fact you haven’t exchanged even a Christmas card with for the last two years.’
‘It doesn’t matter. She’s still my friend.’
‘Don’t do anything stupid,’ warns Luke.
‘Of course I won’t. I’m just having a few days’ break, that’s all. I mean, that’s what everyone keeps telling me to do. I thought you’d be pleased.’ I load up my email account and log onto it. I glance up at Luke, who is still standing in the doorway. ‘Don’t worry, everything is fine.’
‘Hmm,’ is all Luke says, before pushing away from the doorframe and leaving the room.
Immediately he’s gone, I open a new tab and type in the website for British Airways.
The idea that has been percolating in my mind, consciously since the police turned up and took me away, but probably subconsciously a few days prior to that, has turned into a plan. There are things I need to find out about Alice.
Chapter 19
The first thing I notice when I step off the plane the following weekend at Jacksonville is the unexpected warmth. It may well be the beginning of November, but the Florida sunshine is still hitting at least seventy degrees Fahrenheit during the day and lingering into the evening.
I’ve pre-booked into a local motel, which is just a short drive away. I check my watch and calculate the time delay. It’s around teatime in the UK. I’ll get booked in and then give home a ring to speak to the girls before they go to bed. I hate the thought of being apart from them, but I know I have to do this. I can’t stay at home and let things carry on as they are. I can’t confide in anyone; everyone thinks I’m cracking up and just can’t cope with having to share my life with Alice. But little things keep niggling me.
On the flight over, I made a list of all the things that don’t add up since Alice has been here: things that have made me suspicious or question her and/or her motives and to question my own sanity.
1. The photograph being reversed.
2. Flirting with Luke.
3. The glass in my wedding photo being shattered.
4. Alice telling me Hannah broke the glass.
5. The slashing of Luke’s painting.
6. Alice wearing my clothes.
7. The photograph of Alice and Luke.
8. Daisy’s accident.
9. The story about Roma and Nathaniel.
10. Alice with Leonard outside coffee shop???
11. The missing McMillan file and rearranged appointment – hacked email account???
And then underneath in capital letters, I wrote the word…
WHY????????
Money? – Inheritance, trust fund??
Love? – Mum? Family?
Revenge? – being taken to America, Mum letting her go???
Taking over my life???!!!
I’m aware of the number of question marks on the piece of paper.
The motel room is basic, that’s all I want and I pay for it using my Visa card. I drop my rucksack onto the bed and take out my phone and call home.
It’s Mum who answers.
‘Hi, Mum, it’s me.’
‘Hello Clare,’ there’s a pause. ‘Are you all right, love?’ I can hear the concern in her voice.
‘I’m fine, Mum, honest. Please don’t worry,’ I say reassuringly. ‘Is Hannah there? And Chloe? I wanted to say goodnight to them.’
‘It’s only teatime,’ says Mum.
I quickly check myself. Mum has no idea I’m on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean and in a totally different time zone. ‘I didn’t want to call too late and I wanted to catch Chloe before she went off to bed.’ Mum seems satisfied with that and I hear her calling to Hannah.
‘Hello, darling,’ I say.
‘Mummy!’
Her voice brings a smile to my face. We have a little chat about the day. How her and Chloe have been painting with Daddy at the kitchen table, which warms me to hear. Then she tells me how she and Alice made cakes this afternoon and how much Daddy loved them, which has the opposite effect.
The image of Alice in domestic harmony with Luke and the girls boots me in the stomach. ‘That’s nice,’ I force the words out. ‘Shall I say hello to Chloe now?’ I can hear her giggling in the background and I could do with the distraction from Hannah’s piece of news. Then I hear Alice’s voice.
‘Chloe, are you going to say hello to Mummy?’
I want to scream. Why is Alice with my children? Where the fuck is their father?
‘Chloe, hello. It’s Mummy.’
‘Mummy! Mummy! Alice tickling me. We had cakes. Butterfly cakes. Wiv cream.’
‘Lovely. Were they scrummy? Will you save me a cake?’ I force myself to remain upbeat. I can hear Mum’s voice in the background telling Chloe to say goodbye and to say ‘love you’. Chloe obliges and I’m grateful to Mum for the little prompt. Then she gets Hannah to say the same.
‘Love you, Mummy,’ she says.
‘I love you too. Very much.’ Mum comes back on the phone. ‘Is Luke there?’ I ask, even though as much as I want to speak to him, I don’t, in case he asks me awkward questions about Nadine, which will mean I have to tell him more lies.
‘He’s in his studio,’ says Mum. ‘He’s been moping around today, so I told him to do something creative to cheer himself up. It’s not good for the girls; all this bad atmosphere in the house.’
‘I know, Mum. I’ll be back mid-week and we’ll sort things out. I promise.’ One way or another, this disharmony must end. I either have to accept Alice in my life or not. I’m unsure what the latter means for me, for my marriage and my family, but at some point, I need to draw a line under it all. We can’t carry on as we are.
I’m awake early the next morning, and although the travelling made me tired, it wasn’t enough to fully slip into the local time zone. I think I probably managed about five hours’ sleep. I cross the road to the local diner and order pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast and a pot of coffee. It reminds me of Luke and me talking about going to America one day. It was a wet Sunday afternoon and we hadn’t been married long, Hannah was just a baby and we were trying to plan our first family holiday. America with a six-month-old baby seemed a tad ambitious but we had cuddled up to each other with a glass of wine, making an imaginary list of all the things we wanted to do when we went to America and promising that one day we would actually do it. Pancakes with maple syrup had been high on my list, which had made Luke laugh and he had teased me for a long time afterwards.