‘No, Mrs Tennison, we would like to you to come now, voluntarily.’
I decide not to oppose. The quicker this is done, the quicker I can get to work.
‘I’ll ring Leonard,’ says Luke, already one step ahead of me.
‘And, please don’t touch the car,’ says Evans. ‘We’ll be sending someone out to take photos and paint scrapings in case we need forensics to do a paint match.’ What she really means is, in case I don’t confess to reversing into Pippa’s car, covering it in graffiti and, instead, make up some other story as to how I have red paint on my car, a dent and an aerosol can.
I follow Evans and Doyle out to the squad car. I look over at Luke, who gives a shake of his head before turning back to the house. As the car pulls away, I look back to the house and see Alice watching from the living-room window. I’m struck by the memory I have of Alice leaving with my father. I sit back in the seat and concentrate on trying not to cry.
It’s three hours before I’m finally allowed to leave the police station. I’ve made my statement, been interviewed by Evans and Doyle and steadfastly refused to admit to causing the damage to Pippa’s car, pointing out that it is circumstantial evidence thus far. Evans says she will look at the CCTV footage from the garage before they go ahead and press any charges.
Luke collects me from the station and I give him a quick résumé of the past three hours.
‘Basically they are checking CCTV, checking the aerosol can for fingerprints and taking some paint samples from the tow bar in case they need to run it through forensics for a match on Pippa’s car. Oh, and let’s not forget the poo sample from my shoe to check for a DNA match with the poo on Pippa’s car.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes. Apart from the DNA bit, but the way that bloody Evans was going on, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s hardly a murder.’
Luke lacks any empathy for my black humour. ‘They haven’t charged you?’
‘Not at this point.’ We sit in silence. Neither of us knowing what to say. We seem to have run out of words for each other. I call Leonard.
Never one to beat about the bush, Leonard gets straight to the point. ‘Clare, what the fuck is going on? I’ve just had to deal with McMillan out of the blue. You had an appointment with him today. I’ve had to convince him he’s not dealing with some Mickey Mouse outfit.’
‘McMillan? I didn’t have an appointment with him today, I say. ‘It’s tomorrow, I’m certain.’
‘You rearranged, apparently.’
‘Yes, I did, but for tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.’ I run my hand down my face. I feel as if I’m losing my grip on reality. All these things that I think I may or may not have done. None of it is making sense.
‘I don’t think you’re up to the job at the moment,’ says Leonard. ‘As such, I’m taking over the case. I want you to take some time off work to get whatever is going on at home sorted out.’
‘I’m on gardening leave?’ I feel indignant. We’re equal partners and yet he’s treating me like I’m an employee. ‘I don’t think that’s up to you to decide.’
‘It is when I think you’re not in a position to make rational decisions. It won’t look good for the company. I’ve a lot riding on this McMillan case. I gave it to you as I thought I was doing you a favour. Turns out to be an error of judgement on my part.’
‘There is nothing wrong with my decision-making,’ I retort, hurt by his words.
‘Clare,’ his voice softens. ‘You know how much I care about you. I’m doing this for your own good. It’s not an easy decision for me, but I need to do what’s best for you and the firm.’
‘Please, Leonard,’ I find myself pleading like a child who wants to go out even though they’ve been grounded.
‘Trust me, Clare. I’ve never let you down. This is for the best.’ He ends the call and I’m left staring at my phone in disbelief. Another part of my life falling apart.
‘You should take advice from the people who care about you,’ says Luke as we pull up outside. He cuts the engine and turns in the seat to face me. ‘Listen, Clare, I know this whole Alice thing has been difficult for you. No, wait. Hear me out. The memory of Alice and the legacy she left behind; the scar it left on you and your mum has been immense. I know that. And I know how much you wanted to find her. Finding your sister, not just for your mum but for yourself too. So, Alice turning up and not exactly fitting that little slot you carved out for her has been … challenging.’ He brushes a strand of hair away from my eyes.
God I want to sink into him. This small act of tenderness is in danger of reducing me to a whimpering wreck. I fight back the emotion. I swallow hard and it hurts my throat, such is the size of the lump. I stare straight ahead, not daring to look at Luke as I know I will crumble completely. ‘I find her difficult. I feel I’m just scratching the surface of what she’s really like. I can’t seem to warm to her,’ I confess.
Luke gives a small sigh of exasperation and he moves his hand away. ‘Just because she’s your sister, it doesn’t mean you automatically love her. You have to give these things time.’
I look at the house I’ve called home for all my life and think of the love and pain that has coexisted for all that time. I used to think I was safe here, me and Mum. We could shut the gates and shut the world out, but now I realise that’s not true. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel love. It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s dangerous.
In a moment of clarity. I know what I have to do.
Mum and Alice are having lunch in the kitchen when I go in. Mum stops mid-bite of her sandwich and slowly places it on her plate. A small dollop of pickle slides out between the slices of brown bread. Alice takes a sip of her coffee and sits back in her seat.
‘I’m so, so sorry, Mum. I want to apologise for my behaviour. And to you too, Alice. It really has been unacceptable; I don’t know what’s got into me lately.’ I drop my head and pause for a moment. ‘Please can you forgive me? Both of you?’
‘Clare, my darling, of course we can,’ says Mum, getting up and giving me a hug. She takes my hand and leads me over to the table. ‘Alice?’
‘Oh, what? Oh, yes, of course.’ She gets up and hugs me too. ‘Of course, we forgive you.’
I nod and give a meek smile. ‘I think you’re right, Alice. About working getting to me. I’ve not been coping very well.’
Mum pulls out a chair and sits me down. ‘Luke, make Clare a cup of tea.’
I don’t look at Luke, there’s no need, I can feel the weight of his gaze on me. After a second, he does as he’s told and goes to make me a cup of tea while Mum tells me how run down I must be, that I’m looking tired and I really must take care of myself. That she and Alice have been very worried about me. In fact, they were only just saying how tense I was and maybe I should go to the doctor.
It takes some effort on my part not to make a retort to that remark. What is it with everyone that they think I’m going mad? I’m not, but I mustn’t argue. I don’t want to fan the flames.