She waited, her breath held, to see if Jade would carry on. For a few seconds there was nothing, then Jade said, ‘Fine, whatever,’ and the letterbox slammed shut.
Maddie exhaled, then headed back to bed. She pulled the covers up, but her nerves were jangling. She kept running the conversation over in her head, feeling more and more guilty about airing Jade.
It was done now though.
*
It was the smell that woke her this time.
At first she couldn’t place it. She just had a sense that something was wrong, wafting over her in gentle waves and lapping at her throat. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, confused. Then, as she became more conscious, she realised why it was so familiar and yet so out of place.
Gas.
She looked at the clock. 10.10 p.m. She’d been asleep for almost twelve hours. Her head felt fuzzy, her tongue thick. She shrugged into her gown and went into the kitchen for a glass of water.
The smell wasn’t obvious in the kitchen. She sniffed at the air near the oven to be sure and checked all of the gas rings in case she’d left one on by accident, but the smell had gone. Maybe it had been left over from a dream she was having.
She carried her glass of water back into the bedroom. The smell returned, stronger than before. Sniffing like a bloodhound, her nose led her to the air vent high up in the corner of the room. It was coming from there.
Maddie’s breath caught. That vent led to Jade’s flat above. Was the gas coming from there?
Was she just cooking something? Or was there a problem? A malfunction? What if she hadn’t noticed and she was lying unconscious? If Ben was away with his dad, she would be alone and no one would find her until it was too late.
Maddie remembered how tiny Jade’s voice was last night, how lonely she said she was. How irrational she had been acting. Maybe not being found was what she wanted.
Oh God, had she done something stupid?
Even worse, what if Ben was there and he couldn’t wake Jade? He’d be frightened, confused.
The thought propelled Maddie into action. She slid her feet into her slippers, unchained the front door and took the stairs two at a time to the next floor, not caring that her dressing gown was flapping open.
‘Jade! Jade! Open up!’ She banged hard on the door, her hands in fists.
Luke stuck his head out of his flat. ‘Everything ok?’
‘She’s not answering! I can smell gas! Do you have a key?’
‘Er, no! Why would I? Should I call 999? I could try breaking the door in.’ Maddie considered his thin frame and figured she’d have better luck than him.
Maddie banged harder on the door. ‘Jade! Are you ok?’
She heard rustling and movement, then the door opened, but with the chain still engaged. Jade peered through the crack.
‘What’s going on?’ she said.
‘I can smell gas. It’s coming through the vent in my bedroom. Are you ok?’ Maddie’s voice was high-pitched with stress.
‘What are you on about?’ Jade looked confused and Maddie realised she may have misread the situation, talked herself into a frenzy.
‘Can you not smell it? Gas? Open the door, let me check.’
‘No offence, Maddie, but it’s not a good time right now.’ Jade went to close the door on her.
She heard Luke exhale behind her and mutter, ‘She seems fine, as ungrateful as ever,’ before he headed back inside.
‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I know you were feeling low and I should’ve been there for you. I was still feeling weak and exhausted, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve let you in. But please! Don’t do anything silly. We can find a solution. We’ll work this out. Together.’
Jade’s face seemed to fold in on itself. ‘Do you mean that?’
‘Of course I do! There is nothing so big that we can’t fix it. I’m on your side. I want to see you and Ben happy, living your best lives. Come on, open up. Let’s talk.’
Jade sighed heavily and closed the door. Maddie heard the chain being withdrawn and it opened again.
*
They sat on the couch, each wearing dressing gowns and slippers, and sipping at mugs of tea like two grannies in a care home.
The smell of gas had gone now. Maddie had found one of the burners on Jade’s oven had been left on. Jade claimed not to have noticed, but the smell was unmistakeable once she was inside Jade’s flat.
When Maddie questioned Jade, she denied everything, put it down to not concentrating when she had heated up some baked beans earlier. Funnily enough though, there were no pans or dirty plates in the sink. She could’ve already washed them, but from past evidence, Jade was not one for cleanliness. The pizza box stashed by the bin was more likely to have been her dinner.
Still, Maddie didn’t press the matter. Jade was clearly in a vulnerable place and Maddie didn’t want to push her.
Maddie put her mug down. ‘Better?’
Jade shrugged. ‘It’s just hard, you know?’ Her voice was low and trembling.
Maddie reached out for her hand. ‘I know. Trust me, I’ve had some struggles of my own in the past and I’ve… been to some dark places. Sometimes it’s hard to see past the mountain in the front of you, but there is light on the other side.’
‘Did you swallow a self-help book or something?’ Jade scoffed.
Maddie blushed. ‘Sorry, it’s just… I’m trying to help, that’s all.’
‘But you don’t know what it’s like, do you? You don’t have kids.’
Maddie shrugged. ‘No, but I know what it’s like to want to control a situation and feeling helpless when it’s taken out of your hands. I know what desperation feels like.’ She swallowed. ‘And I know what it feels like to not want to carry on.’
‘What happened to you?’
‘I don’t think I can—’
‘But it would help me to know. It would help me to feel understood if I knew what you had been through, not so alone.’
Maddie wasn’t sure if she was capable of sharing her story.
Annoyance flashed over Jade’s face. ‘Ok, well, if you don’t want to talk about it…’ She stood up abruptly, took Maddie’s half full cup from her hand and stalked into the kitchen. ‘I just thought you wanted to help, that’s all. I thought you were my friend.’
‘I am, but it’s not as simple as that. It’s… really painful for me. One day I will tell you. But not today. I haven’t got dressed for two days, I still feel awful and I don’t think I have the resolve to tell that story right now.’
Jade nodded, but there was hurt painted in bold colours in her eyes. ‘Fine.’
Maddie got up too. ‘Listen, I meant what I said. I am on your side and I want to help. I know I tell you to talk to me, that it will help, and I should be listening to my own advice, but know that I am here if you do want to talk to me about how you’re feeling. I don’t want you to feel alone.’
‘Thanks, I’m fine now. You can go. I know you’re not feeling well.’ Her lips were pulled into a straight line and her words were clipped.
Maddie watched her for a minute, but Jade had closed up.
‘Ok, but why don’t I take Ben out tomorrow? Give you a break?’