The room is spinning and I narrow my eyes to focus on the small object resting on the fur throw on the bed.
It’s a packet of contraceptive pills. My packet of pills.
Oh shit.
‘Why are you going through my things?’ I ask, going on the defensive. ‘I bet it was you looking at my iPad the other day too, wasn’t it!’ I add, suddenly feeling sober and trying to deflect attention from myself. I bet it was him. Someone has been checking my emails, I’m sure of it.
‘I wasn’t going through your things!’ he shouts. I put my finger to my lips, wobbling slightly and suppressing a desperate desire to giggle.
‘Ssssh. They’ll hear us. You wouldn’t want to upset Simon, would you?’ I stage whisper.
He takes a deep breath. ‘I thought you wanted to get pregnant,’ he says in a low, measured voice. ‘We talked about it. So why are you taking the pill behind my back?’
I take a deep breath. ‘We did talk about it. But it’s what you want. Not what I want. I’m not ready.’
I flop down onto the bed. I am too drunk for this conversation. I close my eyes, but the room is still spinning. Hugo grabs my hands and hauls me up to a sitting position. I open my eyes again.
‘Oh no you don’t,’ he says. ‘We’re going to talk about this, now. I don’t care how drunk you are. If you’re not ready to have children, why didn’t you say so?’
‘Because I didn’t want to let you down,’ I lie. ‘Because you obviously want children so badly. I didn’t want to say no. I thought it would be easier to pretend that I wanted children too.’ It’s a half-truth. I did think it would be easier. But also I can’t afford for him to leave me – to decide I’m not the person for him after all. There is too much at stake. That was the bigger part in my decision. But I can’t tell him that.
His face softens. ‘Oh, Ria. That’s so silly. Of course we can wait. We have time. Not much, but some. You should have said. It’s you I want. I want what makes you happy.’
I force a smile. ‘And I want what makes you happy. But I don’t want a baby. Not yet.’
He strokes my face, but he’s guarded. There’s something he’s not saying. ‘OK, my darling. We’ll leave it a year or two. But neither of us is getting any younger. Now I’m going to get you some water and I think you should go to bed.’
My mouth is dry and my head is pounding. Hugo isn’t there when I wake up. I guess he’s already gone for breakfast. Or he’s avoiding me after the whole pill thing last night. He’ll be annoyed, but he’ll get over it. At the end of the day, he loves me – I’m pretty sure of that. I glance at the clock – it’s gone nine.
What did I arrange with Matt?
Text. I said I’d text. I haul myself out of bed and open the curtains. There’s nothing but white – the snow is so deep now on the small roof below that it’s totally blocking the window and I can hear the wind is roaring.
I hope Hugo and Simon will go skiing so I don’t have Hugo hanging around me all day, but it seems unlikely.
After I’ve had a way too hot shower I drag myself downstairs. I’m surprised to see that Matt is already here and feel myself blush. Hugo is sitting at the table apparently reading a French newspaper. He doesn’t look up, though he definitely heard me come in. I guess I’m not forgiven yet.
I sit down next to Hugo and touch him lightly on the hand. ‘Morning,’ I say.
He looks up briefly and then back down at his paper. ‘Morning.’
‘The others not up?’
‘Doesn’t look that way.’
Millie comes in. ‘Morning, Ria,’ she says. ‘What can I get you? Eggs?’
A wave of nausea passes through me even at the thought of eggs. Hugo clears his throat, still staring at his paper.
‘Um, no thanks, Millie,’ I reply. ‘Maybe pancakes?’
She nods. ‘No problem. Maple or golden syrup? Or I could make you a chocolate sauce?’
‘Maple, please. Great. Thank you.’
Hugo is still staring pointedly at his paper. As far as I know, his knowledge of French is rudimentary – mine is way better – so he can’t actually be reading it. I fiddle with my phone, feeling unusually uncomfortable in the silence. I wish Simon or Cass would get up. Or have they already been and gone? Surely not. Cass won’t have got up and gone out this early, especially not in this weather.
‘You skiing with Simon today, Hugo?’ I venture.
‘Not sure,’ he replies testily. ‘I haven’t seen Simon yet and, according to Matt here, the lifts may not be open today.’
I try not to show my disappointment. I’m not going to get my alone time with Matt if Hugo doesn’t go out.
‘Really? The weather’s that bad?’
‘Apparently so,’ he says, not looking at me. ‘Disappointing for you, I’m sure,’ he adds snidely, obviously still wildly unimpressed with the idea of me skiing with Matt today.
I’m about to say something in reply – I’m not sure what – when Millie comes back in, placing a massive stack of pancakes in front of me, along with a white jug of syrup. I touch it – it’s warm.
‘These look amazing, Millie, thank you.’
She smiles. ‘It’s my pleasure, Ria. Is there anything else I can get for you? Coffee? Tea? Some fresh orange juice?’
‘I’d love some peppermint tea, please,’ I say neutrally. Hugo tuts – he knows it’s what I drink when I’m hungover. I ignore him and turn to Matt. ‘Hugo said the lifts are closed today?’
He pulls a face. ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. And I don’t know if you heard the news?’
Hugo looks up. ‘What news?’
‘About the body. They found a body.’
PART TWO
22
December 1998, La Madière, France
Louisa
I’ve never been skiing before. It’s not something you generally get to do when you grow up on a council estate, is it? But since I started at Oxford last year, I’ve got used to keeping quiet about that kind of thing. My vowels have rounded out, I say lunch instead of dinner, dinner instead of tea and try to remember not to say toilet. I didn’t do it deliberately, it just happened. Mum teases me about it when I go home, says things like she’ll have to get the best china out, but really, I know she doesn’t mind. She brought me up single-handed and she’s so proud of me. I’m pretty much the first person she knows who’s gone to university. And I’m one of those people who always tries to fit in. To pretend they’re like everyone else. Always have been.
So the skiing holiday wasn’t my idea, obviously, and it wasn’t even my boyfriend Will’s. It was Will’s brother Adam’s idea.
‘So what do you think?’ Will asks. ‘Will you come?’ We are lying in bed in his room, naked. I sit up and pull a T-shirt over my head.
‘With you and Adam? I’m not sure. I don’t want to get in the way of your brotherly bonding.’
Will puts his hand up my T-shirt and squeezes my left breast. ‘You won’t be. Adam’s OK, as brothers go, but I like him better when his company is diluted by having other people around. I think we might kill each other if we were on our own together for an entire week. And he’s bringing his girlfriend anyway, so having you there would make up the numbers.’ He pushes my T-shirt up, moves his head in towards my chest and sucks my nipple for a second before sitting upright and looking me in the eyes. He touches my cheek. ‘Please, Louisa. I’d love it if you came.’