“There’s been a lot going on,” I replied, “and like you said, emotions can take you by surprise.”
And you haven’t worked out what we are yet and that’s frightening you too.
“Why?” she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself. “Why are you staying after the way I’ve behaved and what I’ve said?”
“Because I love you,” I replied simply. She didn’t say anything for a beat. Didn’t react. Didn’t move. Just hugged herself and tried to calm her breaths. She wiped her tears away and looked to the floor, and it took everything in me not to go to her.
“After all that?” she gasped, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth. It killed me that she didn’t know. It blew me away that she still questioned it.
“You can throw me some banter, roll your eyes, not believe that you’re worthy of it but, Jesus, Skye, I’m allowed to feel what I’ve fucking felt for the last five years despite the fact that you can’t see just how incredible you are.”
She blew out a breath, shook out her hands and smiled a little, but the threat of a sob was still lingering. “It scares me, OK? To give myself to someone…to you. Completely. Honestly. It makes me vulnerable and I don’t do vulnerable.”
“I’m not going to hurt you,” I said. “I’ll spend the rest of my life worshipping you.”
“Everyone left.” She shrugged. “Dad, Mum, my grandma. Elliott…men.” She looked up to the ceiling. “They all left.”
“I haven’t.”
“Because you love me,” she whispered, like she couldn’t quite believe it.
I nodded. “I’ve seen your sides, Skye, all of them, the great, the amazing–” I reached for her, pulling her to me. I needed to hold her, reassure her that I wasn’t going anywhere. “The ugly crying face.” She laughed, finally, she laughed. “And I’m still here.”
“You can go after seeing me like this.” She glanced up, her pretty face red and tear stained. “I’d understand. If the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be out of here so fast.”
“Thanks,” I laughed, wiping her tears as I kissed her. “You need someone to remind you that this fucked-up quest to stop the guilt, isn’t necessary. You did everything you could for him.” She kissed me back. “But you know what? He’d be so proud of you.”
“I need reminders.”
“Yeah, so you don’t forget,” I said.
“Will?”
“Yeah.”
“That crap I said about not needing anyone to save me?” I threaded my hand though her hair. “I think you’ve done a great job of trying.”
23
Skye
I was the queen of self-destruction. It was a character flaw, one I hated and loathed but couldn’t stop for the life of me. It was almost as if I couldn’t cope when things were going well like I had to sabotage it before I was ruined or hurt. I’d been feeling out of synch for the last few days. Questioning everything, replaying moments of bliss that instead of warming my body, made me tetchy and stressed. It wasn’t good for me. It led to flare-ups and breakdowns and the need for tequila.
“Right, I’m yours,” Stacey said as she settled down on the sofa next to me. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“Oh, you know, just had a breakdown and scared Will away.”
She laughed as she blew her mug of tea. “You’re gonna have to do a lot to scare that boy away.”
“I don’t know,” I said, grimacing and rubbing my head. “I was questioning things and doing this weird crying/sobbing thing because he mentioned Elliott liking scrambled eggs and not only did that open up an extreme physical reaction in the form of tears and snot, but it put me right off eating those scrambled eggs…and I was bloody starving.”
“Maybe the meltdown was low blood sugar?”
“Stace–”
“What? You get hangry frequently. I always keep a snack for you in my pocket just in case.”
I sighed, wrapping my hands around my mug that I knew Stacey had slipped brandy into. “I was a wreck, Stace. All the time I was telling myself to stop, that I wasn’t being rational, but I couldn’t help it and you know what he did? He held me. In his arms, in his head, everywhere. Christ, I don’t deserve that kind of love, not after how I freaked out.”
“What an utter load of bollocks,” she said, putting her tea down, ready for action.
I glanced at her but ultimately ignored her. “I feel like I don’t deserve him. Does that make sense?”
“No,” she replied, rubbing Reggie’s head.
“It felt fine as friends but now we’re…more. I don’t know if I’m worthy of him.”
“Again. Bollocks,” she repeated, “but start from the beginning and let’s see where we end up.”
“I’d not seen him since we–”
“Banged,” she said, smiling.
“Yes. And my head, Stace, it was all over the place. Wondering if he’d changed his mind or if he was coming over to tell me he wanted to go back to how things were and even when he came over and we–”
“Banged again.”
“Yeah,” I replied as she sniggered. “I still had this little doubt in my head. I was a train wreck. All of that crap just rolled into the giant ball of shit I try to ignore about Elliott, and it all tangled together until I was trapped.”
“Why didn’t you call me to talk you off the cliff?”
“You were in Rome enjoying your perfectly wonderful, normal relationship.”
“Ha! Normal. Have you forgotten how we started?”
“Things are good now though,” I replied, twirling a piece of hair around my finger.
“How many times have I called you needing the come-down-from-the-cliff talk?” She turned herself towards me, pulling her legs up and crossing them. “Do I need to remind you about our first date? When I was a client and Matt was an escort and I nearly climbed out the bathroom window? Or when I found out about my boss and–”
“Yikes, let’s not get into that.” I bit my lip and Stacey bit hers and the nausea that was tumbling in my stomach returned. “He’ll think I’m crazy.”
“Yeah, but what’s new?” she replied. “Skye this isn’t a relationship in its early stages. You’re not in the phase where you worry about putting him off or doing and saying something that makes him look at you like you’ve grown another head right there in front of his eyes. He knows everything about you.” She held her toes flexing them against her fingers. “He’s seen you at your lowest point and he doesn’t hold it against you, if anything it makes you more human and he loves you for it.”
“How do you know he loves me?” I asked, wondering if my two best friends had been talking behind my back, planning when Will was going to bring out the L word and causing my tension headaches from that point in. She covered her face with her hands and made a weird noise. I didn’t know what it meant, but it sounded frustrated.