That was it. He was all the way over the edge. He was falling.
He fell.
53
Home Truths
She said, “Wow.” It was as much as she could manage.
He was on the couch with her now, and she was right-side up again. Nearly in his lap, in fact, his arms wrapped around her while he kissed the top of her head and stroked a hand down her arm. She was even slightly more dressed, as in, her underwear was back on and she’d fastened her bra, and she’d never managed to lose her robe. He was still naked, and that was just fine.
He said, “You all right? You’re still shaking.”
“Mm.” She pulled his arms more tightly around her, just because it felt good, and she was taking all the feel-good from him she could get. Greedy for it, and asking for it, in a way she’d never done in her life. “You’d be shaking, too, if you’d gotten all that.”
He kissed her hair again. “Tell me I don’t have to keep up that standard. My heart can’t take it. It’s voting for the bed next time.” His voice was amused, even though she couldn’t see him. “But it’s probably time to tell me what that was all about. Why you decided to set me free, since I obviously wasn’t attracted to you. I’ve got to say, baby … you’re never going to play football, because if that’s an example, you sure can’t read signals.”
She scooted back and turned to stare at him. “Excuse me. You said there’d be touching. There was no touching. There was barely any kissing. What was I supposed to think?”
“That I was being careful? That I was leaving the next move up to you? That I wasn’t going to push you into something you didn’t want and hurt you when you’re fragile already? What part of, ‘No way am I sleeping in your bed or even in your house, because we’re just friends, oh, wait, now we’re dating, except not really,’ did I get wrong?” He was scowling at her. He had a beautiful scowl.
“Sucks to be me, then, I guess,” she said, “since I just told you I loved you. Twice.” She tried to make it airy. It didn’t quite work. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to say it back. I still meant that other part, that I know it doesn’t go both ways. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
She was babbling, and she knew it. It was the intensity, and the intimacy, of everything they’d just done. She felt hollowed out, and like she had too few layers of skin for this. Too few layers of protection over her brain and her heart and her soul. All she wanted was to merge with him for a little while, to create their own sheltered, secret place together, safe from the world.
You’re going to be all right, she told herself, and knew it wasn’t true. Eventually, sure. Eventually, this would be just another wrong move where her insistent heart and undisciplined body had pulled her straight over the brink. She couldn’t think about that now. Right now, she was going to enjoy this.
She was thinking all of that so intently that it took a second for her to process what he said next. Which was, “What do you mean? I said it first. That’s why I figured you didn’t want more, because I said it first and it didn’t matter.”
Now, she was twisted all the way around to face him. “No, you didn’t. I’d remember that. You didn’t.”
More scowling. “Orbison. When you need him to say something, he shuts up.”
“What? Harlan, assume I have no idea what you’re talking about and explain.”
Something was happening in her body. The joy was rising in her like she was filling with helium. This couldn’t be true. Could it?
“I told him I loved you. During that phone call on your first day of work. What, he didn’t happen to mention it? He asked something like, what gave me the right, and I said, standing up for the woman I love. Everything else, he butts into, but that was too insignificant a detail for him to pass on? When you didn’t say anything, when everything stayed the same, I figured you didn’t want to know.”
“Oh.” She could barely speak. She could barely think. But she was laughing, too. And so touched. “So that’s why he keeps checking on me. He thinks I’m locked in this … this torrid affair with you, probably some kind of master/slave thing, from all his dark hints about letting him know if I need help, and here you’ve been, practically kissing me on the cheek! Oh, man. Blake. He can be such an idiot. Also, we’re not in junior high. Why are you telling him that you love me and not telling me? And seriously? You do? And if I hurt you—Harlan, I’m sorry.”
Now, he was laughing, and he was pulling her back into him again. “Seriously,” he said. “I do. At least I think that must be what this is. Either that, or I’m getting a brain tumor. It’s been a little hard to concentrate. And I don’t know why I didn’t say it to you. Felt scary, probably, putting it out there. I’ve never said it. And if we’ve got a master/slave relationship, baby, I’m not sure which one I am. That thing in the bathroom …”
“Who spanked who?” she asked. “Also, why is that so hot? Is it that way for you, too? It’s always sounded hot, but it actually was. Wow. Also, the way that position felt … you felt so tight in there. That was amazing.”
“If you don’t know why spanking a woman’s hot,” he said, “I can’t explain it. Trust me, it’s hot as hell. Possibly because you’ve got the best ass in the world. But I didn’t check enough. I don’t know if there are special … pregnancy things, what’s OK and what isn’t. I figured, keep you off your belly, but if it’s not comfortable, you have to tell me.” He shifted his hand so it was on her abdomen, and he was cupping it like he wanted to feel it. “The little guy doing OK in there? Not too traumatized?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said. “You put him to sleep. All that rocking.”
His hand stilled. “You can feel him?”
She put a gentle hand on his face and kissed his mouth. “Yeah. I can. It feels so good, Harlan. It’s magical. I never got to enjoy it the first time, I was so scared, and now … it’s magical. He’s active, I think, even though what I feel is just flutters right now, like butterfly wings inside me. In another month or so, though, you’ll be able to feel him kicking, too. He’s in there growing, getting strong.”
“So …” He hesitated.
“Oh,” she said, “go on and tell me. Whatever it is. Surely we can be honest now.”
“So when you go on Monday,” he said. “And have the … the sonogram and all. See the doctor. Do you want me to come with you?”
She still had her hand on his face. “Do you want to come with me?” She wasn’t sure which way he was asking the question. Why he was asking the question. She knew, though, that they needed that honesty.
Your truth is your sword and your shield.
“Yeah,” he said, and smiled. “Yeah. I do.”
“I want that, too,” she said.
He smiled like the sunrise, and she laughed and kissed him and thought, I can’t stand this much happiness.
He said, “Well, good. Also, do you want dinner?”