“How much they want sex,” Harlan said. “What some of them will say and do to get it.”
“And I had …” She took a breath, then addressed the next words to Dyma. “I developed breasts early. They were big, and I wasn’t, so they looked bigger. That got me a lot of attention, and I wasn’t used to it yet. People said all sorts of things. Water wings, and how I’d always float. Other things, too, that were worse. And guys assumed I was something I wasn’t.”
“I guess I inherited one thing from the rapist’s side,” Dyma said. “Lucky me. Smaller breasted,” she explained to Owen, in case he’d missed the point.
“He wasn’t a rapist,” Jennifer said again, because this was, yes, another thing she had to say. “I was willing. More than willing. It was so exciting. Forbidden.”
“Except, again, that you were fifteen,” Harlan said. “And he was what?” He didn’t look easygoing now, and when Jennifer glanced over, neither did Owen.
“Nineteen,” Jennifer said. “Which is statutory rape, which just means a person can’t legally consent, because they’re too young. That large of an age gap, especially with somebody under sixteen, especially if they haven’t been fifteen for very long—turns out it can send you to jail.”
“Except that nobody ever does anything about it,” Dyma said.
“You’re right,” Jennifer said. “Nobody other than Grandma. You bet she was doing something about it, once she found out. Not that I wanted her to. It was the very last thing in the world I wanted. I just wanted nobody to ever find out.”
That had happened in the winter of her freshman year. She hadn’t actively wondered about the periods she wasn’t having, had pushed the thought away when it intruded. Magical thinking, they called it, and the way teenagers did tend to think. That it couldn’t be true, so it wasn’t true. Her period had always been erratic, skipping a month as often as not, and anyway, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t. It had only been a few times.
His name was Danny Howard, and he’d been the star running back of the football team and catcher on the baseball team before he’d graduated. Nineteen and so good-looking, with his muscular, compact frame and blue eyes. He’d said “Hi” to her at the lake one Saturday, all broad chest and thighs and white smile, and she’d turned around to see who he’d been talking to and then realized, with a flush of mingled embarrassment and pleasure, that it was her. The next Saturday, he’d run past and told her, “Check this out,” then swum out and jackknifed off the diving platform, his tanned body cleaving the water so neatly. He’d come back after that and hung out with her for half an hour, laughing and talking and teasing in a way she couldn’t believe was happening, then suggested they meet at the picnic area that evening.
“We could go get an ice-cream cone or something,” he’d said, and his smile had made her fluttery inside.
It had felt so powerful, like love at first sight. It had been her first real crush on a boy—the first, at least, that had gone beyond her imagination. It had been so flattering. It had felt like destiny.
She’d told her mom about the date, and her mom had said, “Who? What year is he in school?” And when she’d told him Danny had graduated, had said, “Absolutely not. Have you lost your mind?” And Jennifer couldn’t budge her.
She’d sat on the fuzzy green couch watching TV with her grandpa that night, all the windows open in the heat of a North Idaho July, barely able to hold still. She’d watched the time tick past eight, past nine, and imagined Danny waiting for her. He’d think she didn’t like him enough, and that wasn’t it at all. She didn’t even have his phone number to call him and explain. The next day at the lake, he ignored her, and she thought, Of course he’s hurt and mad, and felt miserable. Every time she looked over, he was talking to his friends, or flirting with somebody else, and she wondered, in the kind of despair you could only feel at that age, Why does my mom have to ruin everything? It was just ice cream, and now I’ve missed my chance! And he really liked me!
The next Saturday, though, he ran up to her again, looking so athletic, he made her heart pound. He sat down beside her on the sand and asked, “How come you didn’t meet me last week? Were you just teasing me? What, I’m not in college, so I’m nothing? Is that it? I thought you were different from other girls. More mature.”
She answered, stumbling over the words with the need to explain, “Of course not! I’d never think that. My mom wouldn’t let me go, because she … I don’t even know. Because she doesn’t know you, I guess. Maybe you could come by and meet her, so you could tell her where we were going and she’d see it was OK.”
He laughed as if she’d said something hilarious. Or, more likely, hopelessly immature. “Are you kidding? Your mom’s not going to like me. She’s going to say I’m bad news because I’m not in college, even though I’ve got a job and a car and I’m doing great. She probably wants you to go out with some skinny kid from the debate team. You aren’t prejudiced like that, are you? Or do you think I’m bad news too?”
“No. Of course not. Besides, it was just ice cream.”
“Exactly. How come parents never get that? I tell you what. You just say you’re going to your girlfriend’s. You can go over there afterwards. That way, it’s not even a lie. You’re just not telling her every little thing.” He smiled, and that smile made her warm all over. “Come on. It’ll be fun.”
Danny’d had a car. She’d never known anybody with their own car. He still lived with his parents, but he’d told her, “I’ll have enough saved next month to move out. The job’s just temporary, too. My buddy’s going to get me into the electrician’s union, and his boss is going to give me a job. In a few months, I’ll be earning big bucks once I’m getting all that overtime, and pretty soon, I’m going to start my own company and not have to take orders from anybody. This is all just for now.”
Well, that had turned out to be true. Once he’d been arrested.
The whole thing had lasted barely a month, first to last. Meetings in the park had turned into rides in his car, driving too fast with all the windows open and her bare feet up on his dashboard, feeling glamorous and pretty and grown-up, and then, one night, parking off a dirt road. Kissing had become touching, the windows open to the warm night air, the crickets chirping their summertime song, Danny’s hot breath in her ear.
And then the night when he said, “Come on,” took her hand, and pulled her into the back seat, and he wasn’t just touching her under her clothes anymore.
She didn’t like the end part as much as the touching and kissing, but he sure did, and he was experienced, so it must just be that she didn’t know how to do it right yet. And when he told her, “That was so great. You’re so beautiful, baby,” her heart swelled with gratitude and pleasure, and she thought, So this is how love feels.
She didn’t tell anybody except Nicole. She had to tell Nicole, in case her mom checked in. Nicole thought it was romantic, that she was daring, and so did Jennifer. She felt, for once, more knowledgeable and older than the other kids, worldly wise in a way they couldn’t be.