He thought, ‘Am I falling?’
But he was out before he hit the ground.
Chapter 25
Fredric could hear the annoyance in Agatha’s voice, but he ignored it and checked the time on his phone for the third time in five minutes. “Ten-fifty-six-AM.”
“People have been late before,” she reminded him for the second time.
“Yes, but he’s also never this late, and he always answers his phone,” Fredric said. He’d only called once though, because calling twice would probably get Ilan to pick up, and the sooner that happened, the sooner things would be over.
We need to talk.
No good had ever come from those four words. Fredric had sat at his breakfast bar, stunned by the text for nearly ten minutes before he had the courage to respond to it.
We need to talk.
Fredric might have been married since he was a teenager, but he knew what those words meant. When Ilan had walked away the night before, it hadn’t felt final. Not until the text.
His heart was on the verge of cracking, frozen in time as it waited to hear the fate of the one person he had ever truly loved this way. He was prepared for the shattering, making plans with what to do with himself after the billion pieces of his soul hit the ground. He’d survive, of course. He’d heal, with new scars in different places. He might come together in a brand-new shape.
And he’d find a way to keep loving Ilan just has he’d been loving him for all these years, before he knew what he felt like, before he knew what he tasted like. Before he knew what it was like to be possessed by him and loved by him and safe in his arms.
It would be the hardest thing he’d ever done, but he’d do it. He was a battered, bruised man, but he was not broken. No one had that kind of power over him.
Agatha had seen him pacing after ten o’clock came and went, and she hadn’t offered much in the way of conversation and sympathy, but it helped that he wasn’t alone. He tried to use the sounds of the ocean to calm him, then the quiet shuffling of Bas darting through the grass as he tossed the ball for him, and even the way Agatha paced in a slow arc in front of him.
But nothing worked.
“What’s this?” Agatha’s voice dragged him from his thoughts, and he turned his head toward her.
“What’s what?”
“This gift. Photos? Did Ilan get you photos for Christmas?”
The indignation in her voice made him laugh. “No, those were for him. I…” He’d unwrapped them after Ilan left, tracing the edges of the frames and wondering what Ilan might have thought if he’d had a chance to see them. Would it have made a difference to him, seeing the physical evidence of their love?
“You don’t have to accept it, you know,” she said after a beat.
Fredric lifted a brow as he heard her put the photos back in the bag. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not saying you have to push his boundaries, but you also don’t have to just let him go. You love him, and people who love each other that much don’t end things after one stupid fight.”
“I do love him,” Fredric breathed out. “And all this would be a hell of a lot easier if…” His words were cut off when his phone started to buzz, but before he could even hope, Julian’s name chimed through the air.
For a brief, nearly hysterical moment, he almost let it go to voicemail, but he was done hiding. “I’m sorry, Julian, I don’t have time to…” he began when he picked up.
“Did you know that Ilan’s in the hospital,” Julian interrupted, his voice loud and a little breathless. “Did someone call you already?”
Shock hit him—the instant numbness coursing through his limbs, trigging a long-dormant fear that he was stroking out before he started to breathe again. He flexed the fingers on his left hand just to be sure he could, he smiled to make sure both sides of his mouth lifted. “Start again,” he demanded. “Who called you and what did they say?”
“I missed the call,” Julian said. “I got a voicemail from Crescent Coast Hospital. They said Ilan was brought in. I’m his emergency contact, apparently, because the idiot didn’t bother to change it when I moved. I tried to call back, but no one had any answers, and I…um. I don’t know what to do. I’m so fucking far.”
“Julian, hold on a moment.” Fredric turned, reaching out for something—anything, and he let out a sharp breath when Agatha’s hand took his. “I need you to drive me to the hospital,” he told her.
“Ilan’s there?” she asked, and Fredric nodded. “Let’s get your shit and go.”
Somehow, in a flurry of movements, he managed to get Bas in his harness and into the car with Julian still in his ear. “We’re only ten minutes away,” Fredric told Julian, but it was mostly to keep himself from shaking apart because his heart felt like it was trying to rip through the front of his chest. “What exactly did they say on the message?”
“Just that. I was listed as his emergency contact and if I could come down at my earliest convenience.”
Fredric sucked in air. It was obviously serious, but likely not that Ilan’s life was hanging in the balance. Except…maybe it was. Maybe that was just a thing that nurses and doctors said on phone messages so no one panicked.
God. Fuck. This could not be it. His last moments with Ilan could not be him walking out. “I’ll be there soon,” he said to his son.
“Okay. I’m on my way to the airport with Archer right now. His brother got us a jet. I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but…”
“You should wait until we know something,” Fredric said weakly, and Julian laughed bitterly in his ear.
“Would you?”
Fredric couldn’t argue with that. “Listen, I’m sure he’s fine.”
“Maybe,” Julian said, “but he’s been acting so weird lately. He’s been dodging my calls, and when he does pick up, our conversations have been like two minutes long. He’s never been this vague with me, and I’m worried, Dad. He just uprooted his life after I left. I didn’t even think me going would matter to him, but maybe I…”
“This isn’t your fault,” Fredric interrupted, then squeezed his eyes shut and laid his forehead against the glass. “I promise this has nothing to do with you moving.”
“Do you know what’s going on?”
“Yes, but I can’t talk about this on the phone right now. I need to focus,” Fredric told him, because he felt like he was going to go mad not knowing what was going on.
“Okay,” Julian said, his voice a lot calmer than Fredric felt. “Just breathe, Dad. I’m going to be there as soon as I can, and when you get to the hospital, they’ll have answers.”
Fredric let out a breath that felt like a sob, then he cleared his throat. “I know. Thank you.” The car started to slow to a crawl, then Agatha turned, and he knew they were in the parking lot. “Listen, I’m here now. I’ll send you a message the moment I find out what’s going on.”
“Thank fuck,” Julian said. “We’ll be in the air in less than an hour, okay? And I’ll see you soon after that. I love you.”