“You said it yourself, he’s eighteen.” I waved toward my desk, where that letter still sat in the drawer. “And now Shelly brought a letter Carter wrote before he died, and I’m too terrified to read it. What if he asks me to never move on?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Carter’s not the type.”
No, he wasn’t, and that’s what made it even more frustrating. Knowing who Carter had once been, he might have encouraged me to move on, but I’m sure that moving on with Shane had never been a thought in his head.
“So how did this happen?” she asked.
I frowned at my desk and the paperwork scattered over it. I’d taken on the case of an armed robber who stole from a pharmacy. I hated work like this, but I’d never forced myself to find something better. The only thing keeping me here was Anna, but maybe it was time to talk to my buddy River—who had asked me to jump ship about a thousand times—and see if he had any work for me.
“A few months after Carter died.” I quickly continued when her eyes widened. “We haven’t had sex, but… we got off together then. We were both drunk. I got home and he’d already been drinking, and I started as well. I hadn’t eaten so I got shitfaced pretty quickly. Next thing I know, I’m getting him off and—fuck. I’m a pervert.”
She rolled her eyes. “You are not. He’s an adult.”
“Well, you know how I told you Carter and I played?”
“That naughty kinky shit you got up to? How could I forget?” She smirked.
“Yeah, that game…. Shane and I started playing it too. I mean, after that first night, I told him it couldn’t happen again, and then he went back to school and we let it be. But I didn’t realize what he was doing to himself. He’d taken on more classes than he should, and he was punishing himself, and I didn’t see a damn thing. I promised Carter I’d protect him, but I let him hurt himself. When I realized what was happening… I just fell into my daddy role with him.”
She leaned forward, curiosity in her bright amber eyes. “He enjoyed it,” she said knowingly.
“A lot.” I smiled because I really was a perv and I couldn’t stop myself. “I do too, which is the problem.”
“Why?” She dragged the leather chair closer until she leaned her elbows on my desk. “West, you’re both consenting adults, and sleeping with Shane doesn’t mean you loved Carter any less. I’ve seen it happen before, men who end up with their deceased wife’s sister. Hell, my great uncle Bob ended up marrying his sister-in-law. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“He’s barely an adult. Eighteen-year-old men don’t know what they want, Anna, they just want to get laid.”
“So?” She tapped her finger on the desk. “Sex is sex. Unless you love Shane like that, why does it matter if you get your rocks off together?”
It was true, and that’s why I loved talking to her. She always made me see through my own crap. I smiled. “You’re right.”
“Listen, I’m not saying you should go shout it to the world that you’re boinking Shane, but you need to stop feeling guilty about it too.” She waved her hand, her long red fingernails nearly stabbing my arm. “I know it’s easier said than done. You’re going to feel things, but at least try to enjoy it. And if it helps Shane, isn’t that keeping your promise to Carter anyway?”
“I don’t think having sex with him is what Carter had planned when he asked me to protect him.” We hadn’t even had what most people considered sex yet, but we were pretty close to it.
“How do you know? Carter was a smart man.” She stood and crossed her arms. “You loved him. I liked him. But he’s gone, and you know it. Read that letter, West, and put your mind at ease. Then tonight, go home and take care of Shane like you promised you would, and if it turns out to be more, then let it happen. No man can fight fate.”
I laughed. “You and fate.”
“Destiny conquers the world, my friend. I’m convinced. I was made for great things, and here I am.” She grinned. “Are you still coming to my party tomorrow night?”
“Yes, ma’am. I wouldn’t miss it, but just so you know, I’m not kissing Brickton’s ass.”
“I didn’t ask you to. See you then, honey.” She waggled a finger at me and turned her back, striding out of my office like a woman on a mission.
I watched her go, adoration filling me like it always did whenever I had a deep conversation with her. Anna knew me better than anyone, or at least anyone other than Carter. At times of stress, she’d always been there, holding my hand and telling me it was going to be okay. During Carter’s memorial, she’d supported me, like I’d tried to support Shane.
But now that I was alone again, I did what she told me to. I grabbed the letter and tore open the envelope. I stared at his scribble, my heart clenching in my chest. There were so many things to miss about Carter, and I missed him a little bit more every day. Sucking in a deep breath, I read the letter.
My dear West,
I know what you’re doing right now. I’ve already predicted it like the mind reader you’ve always claimed I was. You’re sitting behind your desk, whether it be at home or at your office, thinking of reasons not to read this letter. I’m glad you finally did.
I laughed, tears already welling in my eyes.
Wherever I am now, whether it be in your afterlife or my heaven, I know I miss you. I miss everything about you, and I know you’re probably feeling the same way. I’m sorry I gave this letter to Mom, but I knew you would have refused to take it off me, so I needed some way to get it to you.
I wiped at my cheek with the heel of my hand, removing a tear that had escaped.
There’s a reason I’m writing this letter, and it’s not just because I love the look of my own handwriting.
I laughed again. Cheeky ass.
I’m selfish enough that I want you to miss me a little, like I know you already are, but I also want you to get on with life. Don’t make me lecture you about the five stages of grief, because this would be a damn long letter. Or I could just direct you to my book.
“You always direct people to your book,” I whispered to the letter, amusement and love making my heart ache.
In all seriousness, I love you. You know I do, but I won’t let you waste your life missing me. Given the chance, you’d stay single forever, avoiding your feelings so you don’t have to face them. What have I told you before about avoidance? Don’t do it, Caleb Weston. I mean it. I will haunt your ass if you do.
Please, for me, find someone else to love, someone who will treat you right, someone who loves you as much as I did. Whoever that person is, they are perfect for you. Finding another person doesn’t mean you didn’t love me, or that you’re dishonoring my memory. Actually, quite the opposite. You’d honor me by giving yourself to another man. Don’t let all my hard work making you a decent person go to waste.
How did he always know what to say?
And I know you will be keeping your promise of taking care of Shane for me. Tell him I love him and always will.