“So Carter was the sheep, or me?” Tears prickled my eyes, but I refused to bawl like Mom was. “He wasn’t a bad person.”
“No, he was wrong on this one… issue. We still had you for everything else.”
I tried to stand, but West didn’t let go of my hand, and I heaved in a giant breath. “You still have me.”
He finally looked me in the face. I wished he hadn’t. The light I remembered in his eyes, from times when Carter was alive and I lived at home, had vanished. Maybe his humanity had fizzled out a long time ago and I just hadn’t noticed. He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “No, I don’t. As long as you’re planning to follow in Carter’s footsteps, I don’t want to know you. And your mother said that you’re taking it—”
“—damn it, Mario,” Mom yelled.
“—from West, which would be wrong even if you weren’t… who you are. You’re Carter’s brother, for Christ’s sake.”
“That happens all the time, actually,” Dr. Edwards cut in. “Spouses marry the siblings of their deceased—”
“I don’t want to hear it,” my father shouted, and everyone flinched. “We’re not talking about these two like Shane’s a woman who could go get married to him.”
“We could get married anytime we want.” All at once I was on my feet, and I didn’t remember getting there. “Just like I have the right to be who I am. I’m not perfect like Carter. I had to take out loans and didn’t get through school by being a genius. I study. I work hard. I’m just me, and that’s fucking fine! I’m an okay person to know, Dad. I have friends.”
“Good job,” West whispered in my ear, and I smiled over my shoulder at him. He must have followed me. I was too hot, sweaty, and a little dizzy, but he was right there.
“This is getting out of hand,” Dr. Edwards said with a strained frown, and he climbed to his feet as well, so Mom was the only one sitting awkwardly between all of us. “Perhaps we should take a small break?”
Mom reared back and stared up from her chair at an uncomfortable angle. “I want my family back.”
“No, you want something that never existed.” I wanted to jump up and down and scream but focused on West’s hands on mine. “You want figments of your imagination. I’m with West, and if you can get okay with that and see us without making everything weird and judgmental, that’s fine. But if you can’t? You know what? I’ll live with it. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I wasn’t good enough for you two to love the way I was.”
My father shoved his chair, and it fell with a clatter. “Don’t you talk to your mom that way.”
“Tell me how I’m wrong?”
West put his hands on my shoulders and led me past them to the door. My father shot his hand out and snagged West’s elbow and crowded into his face.
“You better grow eyes in the back of your head. They’re going to find you floating in the lake.”
West stared, dead-on, at him. “Are you threatening me? In front of a witness who is a mandated reporter to the state?” West narrowed his eyes on Dr. Edwards.
“I am. I have to report anything I feel is a credible threat to the police.” Dr. Edwards smiled awkwardly around at us.
My father dropped West’s elbow with a huff.
The world wavered. West rubbed his thumb along my neck, and it was easier to breathe. “If you come near us without Shane’s express permission, I’ll be the one making you regret it. Legally.”
My heart felt like it was ready to burst as West wrapped his arm around my shoulder. When I got to the door I turned, and he nearly fell because his momentum was taking us out and I was stalling us.
Mom sniffled into more tissues she pulled from the box on the desk, and my father stood there frozen. “Mom, I do love you, you know that? That’s never been a thing. I’ve always loved you. It’s you guys who fucked up, not me.”
“I know,” she said.
“Then stop trying to blame me.”
She shook her tissues my direction. “I’m not. I want to fix it.”
“No, you don’t.” West put pressure on me, but now that I was saying my piece, I wouldn’t be stopped. I planted my feet and stayed firm. “I’m an adult. I don’t need you now. Not that way. I needed you then. When I was an actual kid. You’re going to have to live with the fact that this isn’t fixable, the way you want it. Maybe I can come around again someday, but right now it hurts seeing you, and I can only deal with one hurt at a time. I’m still not over Carter. I can’t deal with you too. I’m sorry.”
I let West herd me along after a full minute went by with Mom crying while Dr. Edwards regretfully stared at his notepad.
The ride home was worse than the one to the clinic the day I knew I was going to fail the piss test. The car still smelled of mildew and, weirdly enough, soap, and even with the windows down, it was a mighty stench that didn’t seem to be leaving the old Toyota anytime soon. School was starting in two weeks and I couldn’t believe that summer was almost over. Seeing my parents hurt, like getting curb stomped, and sent me right back to the days after Carter died, when I’d wanted them to magically turn to me, hold their arms out, and love me the way they used to. It hadn’t happened then, and today wasn’t any different.
“Seeing them hurt worse than thinking about Carter, because to the bitter end, even though he left us, I knew he loved me.” I leaned closer to my open window so the wind could blow across my face.
“You didn’t know Dr. Edwards was doing that?”
“No. Not until we got there.”
“It’s against the psychology board of ethics. I should sue his ass. Make him regret it.”
“Don’t, West. I just want to forget about it. Move on.”
West pulled the car into the driveway in silence. Neither of us had even considered turning on the radio, and when we arrived, we sat staring at the house.
“Why haven’t we painted around the windows yet? It wouldn’t take much,” I murmured quietly. “The paint has been peeling since last summer.”
“Last summer was fucked.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
West picked my hand up and kissed it. He let his lips linger on the back of my hand for a long time and then got out, and I forced myself to follow him. We went into the house and I didn’t think, just knew I needed something that would make me feel better. I stripped off my shirt and unbuckled my pants. The jeans fell to the floor, and I kicked them away with my flip-flops tangled in them.
West had gone into the kitchen, and when I followed him, he stood leaning against the counter with a bottle of water from the fridge open and in his hand, but he wasn’t drinking it. His gaze slid down my body and he slowly curled his lips into half a smile.
“Hello, my beautiful boy.”
I walked to him and worked his belt open. He let me do it and didn’t comment. He didn’t say anything when I lowered his zipper. He let me go to my knees. He wasn’t hard, but he was firm when I carefully released him from his underwear. I rocked forward and sucked him into my mouth, glancing up at him as well as I could until my nose was buried against his pubic bone. I sighed, and he ran his fingers through my hair.