Who wants a smooth road when they could take the bumpy, frustrating road with Drew Thompson?
I’ve fought tooth and nail to get to where I am with hockey.
I’ll do the same for him because I’m tired of pretending like he doesn’t mean the entire fucking world to me. I’m tired of this push and pull. I’m going to fight for him rather than against him. It’s about damn time, too.
We’re going to be okay, Drew.
Just wait and see.
“He said he’s sorry,” Drew says, closing the door. He glances at me with the saddest eyes and I hate that I’m being a coward and forcing him to run interference. I might’ve been hurt by what Ashton and Brayden did, but so was Drew.
I bring my knees up to my chest and encircle my arms around them. “I heard… Thank you for that.” I nod toward the door. “I know eventually I’m going to have to talk to them.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” Drew says, sitting back down and wrapping his comforting arms around me. “And you don’t have to rush to see or speak to anyone. They’ll both be here when you’re ready.”
“Have you, um, spoken to either of them?” I look up at him and he nods solemnly.
“A little. I saw Ashton this morning when I went home to get ready for practice.”
“How is he?” I shouldn’t care how he’s doing, but I can’t help it. I know how my best friend is, and he doesn’t handle shit well.
“Not good,” Drew says truthfully. “Beating himself up in typical Ashton fashion. Blamed himself and called himself a fuck-up.” The thought of not being able to hug my best friend makes me sad. One of the reasons Ashton and I clicked was because we’re the same: both natural loners. Right now, I have Drew, but who does Ashton have? Who will be there to talk him down, to hold him the way Drew is holding me? He’s not a fuck-up. He’s just confused, the way we all are. The only difference is, where I think through every decision I make—from years of my mom berating me over every bad choice—Ashton flies by the seat of his pants. It’s one of the things I love about him… and it’s also what led to him hurting me.
“Saw Brayden at practice,” Drew adds, snapping me from my thoughts. He’s quiet for several seconds before he continues. “When we were younger, the reason we stopped talking was because Brayden kissed me.” My mind goes back to the night Brayden and I talked while he was visiting me in California. He told me about this, and I couldn’t help thinking how similar our situations were. Best friends torn apart all because of a kiss—an act of love. Something that should bring two people together, instead tore them apart.
“I ran because I was scared of what that kiss would mean,” he says, looking down at me. “We were best friends and with one kiss, everything changed. I just kept thinking, if I reciprocate, will that make me gay? Or bi? Back then athletes weren’t gay… well, at least not publicly, and I was scared of what my dad and the kids at school would say.”
Drew releases me slightly so we can face each other. His features are etched with pain, and I can tell he’s been holding this all in for years.
“You were young,” I tell him. “And being different is scary.”
“Maybe, but Brayden put his heart on the line twice for me. Once when we were thirteen and again when my dad died. He kissed me twice, not giving a shit about the consequences or what people might think. We both felt it, this pull between us, but he wasn’t scared to act on it. And I ran like a fucking coward.”
He scrubs his palms over his scruff that’s grown in the last few days since he hasn’t shaven. “I want to be so mad at Brayden for what he did with Ashton, but…”
“But you love him, and he’s your best friend,” I choke out, missing the hell out of mine.
“Yeah, but more than that, I want to be with him.” Drew’s glassy eyes meet mine. “I spent eight years without him, and I don’t think I can do that again. I came here to coach, but the truth is, I also came here to get my best friend back.”
My heart both swells and clenches at the same time because the man he wants is the same man I was falling for. God, this is so messed up.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and when I open them, I say the words I think he’s needing to hear. “Then you should go after him.”
Drew’s eyes lock with mine.
“He loves you, Drew, and after spending this time with you, I can see why. Go to him, work it out. At least one of us can have that elusive happily ever after.”
Drew nods. “I’m not ready yet. I need to forgive him first, so when I do go to him, I’m not still angry and hurt by what he did.”
“You of all people know that what happened wasn’t Brayden’s fault.” I huff out a laugh. “I love Ashton to death, but we both know he was the instigator there. It wasn’t too long ago you were with Ashton as well. I’m not saying Brayden didn’t do anything, because we both saw him kissing Ashton back, but…”
Drew groans. “But Ashton is hard as fuck to resist.”
I laugh harder. “I miss him so much.” Fresh sobs rack my body, and Drew pulls me into his arms so I’m straddling his thighs. I wrap my arms around his neck and he holds me tight while I cry into his neck. “Why can’t I be enough?”
“Fuck, Mia, you are,” Drew murmurs. “You are enough.”
“Not for Brayden… and not for Ashton…” And not even for Drew. I’ve fallen for three men. Three sweet, funny, thoughtful, sexy men, and I’m not enough for any of them.
Memories from when I was younger hit me hard.
“You aren’t skinny enough.”
“You aren’t motivated enough.”
“You aren’t pretty enough.”
“You aren’t coordinated enough.”
“You aren’t popular enough.”
My entire life, I’ve never been enough. My mom made sure I knew it, and as much as I hate to admit it, she wasn’t wrong.
I pull away from Drew and climb off his lap. “If it’s okay with you, I think I really just want to be alone.” I swipe the tears that won’t stop falling.
“Are you sure?” he asks, worry in his tone.
“Yeah,” I choke out. “I’m sorry. I just… I need some time to think.”
“Okay, yeah.” He stands. “But if you need anything…”
“I know, thank you.”
“You sure?” he asks again as he opens the front door.
“Yeah.”
Once he’s out the door, I lock it and then slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor, and then I let go and cry.
I want to be enough for someone.
My parents. Ashton. Drew and Brayden.
Seems like I’m almost good enough, but not quite.
I guess Mom was always right.
There’s a knock on the door, and I drag myself out of bed. The first couple days of me being at home and wallowing, Ashton and Brayden would stop by and try to get me to open the door, but after Drew told them I needed time, they stopped. Not ready to leave and deal with the real world, I emailed my professors and feigned sick. They were nice about it, letting me know the work I need to do to stay caught up, and it bought me a few days.