“What?”
“Yeah... Raphael. Her beloved little angel.” He almost sneered the words. “Fuck, she loved him. Doted him on like he was her saving grace. Furnishing him with love and attention while I was left to watch from the sidelines like some fucking leper.
“I tried real fucking hard to hate that kid. From the second he was born, and I was old enough to understand that he was everything our mom ever wanted, while I was some... some monster. I tried to hate him. But he had this way of worming himself under your skin. He was so fucking cute. Like a little puppy following me around, all big desperate eyes and broken speech.” Levi’s chest heaved with the weight of his words. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to interrupt. He needed this. He needed to confide in someone, and part of me was honored he’d chosen me.
“Looking back, I think he knew I needed him, even then. He’d waddle up to me after one of mom’s tirades and wrap his tiny arms around me and hug me tight. I was his big brother, yet, in his own way, he always took care of me.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” I peeked up at Levi.
“It is what it is.” His shoulders lifted in a half shrug.
“No, it isn’t. No child should ever feel unloved by their own mother.”
“She didn’t unlove me, Bee, she hated the very bones of me. Sometimes I’m surprised she didn’t try to drown me in the bath or lace my cereal with cyanide.”
His brutal words sent a shiver down my spine. How could anyone do that... to their own child? Their flesh and blood? He was just a boy. An innocent, helpless boy.
“Levi, that’s... oh my god.” Bile washed in my stomach as my heart shattered for him.
“Don’t be sad, honeybee, she did me a favor.” But as he said the words, I saw the doubt in his eyes.
The fear.
Levi and Rafe’s mom had emotionally and psychologically damaged him. Attachment issues, substance abuse issues, depression, trust issues, his chaotic personality, it all pointed to a history of deep childhood neglect and abandonment. Now he was stuck in a cycle of negative behavior because somewhere, deep down inside himself, he truly believed he wasn’t worthy.
“You’re wrong, Levi,” I whispered, hugging him tighter, trying to swallow the rush of emotion I felt for this beautiful broken boy.
“Yeah, well, it’s too late now,” he said with heartbreaking resignation, as if he’d already written himself off and accepted his fate.
I wanted to grab him by his arms and shake him, but I knew enough to know that it wouldn’t make a difference. Levi had to see his worth, he had to believe it. Ultimately, it had to come from inside himself, not from now much I or anybody else wanted it for him.
“I’ll break your heart,” he whispered. “You know that, right? I’ll try to be good, but something will happen, and I’ll screw up. It’s just what happens. It’s who I am.”
His words were like a knife to the heart. I knew he was right. I knew that there was no way we would come out of this whole, but it was too late now. We were here and I wasn’t going to be the one to walk away.
Steeling my spine, I met his piercing gaze.
“I really hope you prove yourself wrong.”
The show was incredible. Despite the dark cloud hovering over Levi after our heart-to-heart earlier, he managed to pull off a near perfect performance.
I watched the whole thing with butterflies in my stomach. He was something else. Raw, rugged, and real, he strutted up and down the stage, stopping to sing with his brother or hop up on the podium to watch Hudson play a solo. The crowd was electric, the guys were amped, and no one outside our circle would have known anything was wrong.
“He’s on fire,” Alistair said from beside me. “It’s like he’s got something to sing for again. The guy should count himself lucky the label didn’t ship him off to rehab after that PR disaster and—”
“Excuse me, I need to use the restrooms.” I shouldered past him, almost running straight into Letty. She took one look at me and said, “Is everything okay?”
“It will be.” I nodded, taking off down the hall.
Slipping into the bathroom, I splashed some water on my face and ordered my heart to calm down. It was just Alistair being Alistair. He was a good manager, one of the best. But hearing him talk about Levi like that had caught me off guard. I’d always felt this innate need to protect Levi but now we’d acknowledged our feelings about each other, I felt like a mamma bear protecting its cub.
The rumble of the crowd overhead signaled the end of the show. The band would return on stage to play an encore and then we needed to be on our way.
By the time I returned, the band was just wrapping up their final song. Levi bellowed into the mic, his voice so gravelly and seductive my stomach clenched as I imagined him whispering the lyrics into my ear as he fucked me into submission. But my naughty thoughts were quickly erased by the realization that we would be travelling on separate buses. Now Alistair was back, there was no way we could sneak around so obviously.
“Hey, what’s up?” Letty nudged my shoulder.
“Nothing.” I forced a smile. “We all set?”
“Yup. We need the band out of here pronto. They’ll have to shower and eat on the bus. Duke wants to get a head start.”
“Got it.”
The band started filing off stage and the road crew leaped into action. It was hard to believe that in less than an hour it would be like we were never here.
“Hear that, Pheebs?” Hudson slung his arm over my shoulder. “That is the sound of sweet success. What did you think Ali, boy? We rocked it, right?”
“Nobody likes a bragger, Hud.” He checked his wristwatch. “We need to be on the road in thirty. Don’t make me wait.” Alistair marched off down the hall.
I shirked out of Hudson’s sweaty arm and wiped myself. “Gross.”
“Naw, don’t be like that, baby.”
A low growl came over my shoulder and I glanced back to see Levi shooting daggers at Hudson. He chuckled, holding up his hands. “Can’t help it if the ladies can’t resist me, Hunter.”
“I’ll give you a ten second head start,” Levi deadpanned. “One... two...”
“Lighten up, Lev—”
“Hud!” Damon shook his head.
“Hey.” I moved beside Levi, the urge to reach out and touch him almost too much to bear. Eva and Rafe were already tangled up in each other, making out up against the wall. Just the sight of them made my heart ache.
“Hey,” Levi said, letting his hand drop to his side and brush my fingers. I smothered a whimper.
“This is harder than I thought it would be,” I admitted, letting my hand linger against his.
“Yeah.” It came out tight.
Earlier on the bus, nestled in the bunk together, it was like we’d carved out our own little world. But right here, surrounded by his bandmates and my colleagues and the crew, we were back to being boss and assistant. Rock god and mere mortal.
“Try and get on my bus tonight.” Levi kept his eyes forward despite the rough demand to his voice.
He didn’t want me to try, he wanted me to find a way to make it happen.