I should be focused on the fact that he told me he needed an alibi. The fact that only weeks ago he was doing shit he knows is wrong and could send him to jail. But that’s the man he’s always been. I knew better than to turn a blind eye, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, isn’t it?
It’s an odd feeling, like waking up from a long and deep sleep or having a blindfold taken off after wearing it for days. Has it always been this way?
I knew what kind of life he was leading and the risks that came with it. I didn’t do a damn thing about it. I should be ashamed, mortified.
And yet all I can think about is him fucking her.
Not to mention how many times I’ve seen that woman at events and socialized with her. Not once did she make it seem like anything had happened between them. She comes off sweet and innocent. She’s slim like me, but taller and she prefers soft, muted colors. Samantha always has perfectly manicured, pale pink nails. She pretties herself up like a little doll, prim and proper. I never would have expected it. I remember how genuinely happy for me she seemed when she gushed over my engagement ring.
That fucking bitch.
The door to my office opens behind me, the telltale creak forcing my eyes to shoot open. They narrow as I see his reflection on the black computer screen. I don’t even know if the damn thing is on anymore or how long I’ve been sitting here. All I’ve done is stare at a worn spot on my desk and think about how he fucked her, even knowing he was going to see me only hours later.
What would have happened if his mother hadn’t chosen that moment to tell him to come home and that she wasn’t well? Maybe that would have been the night he chose to break it off with me. After all, every day with him was like ticking off a checkbox. I knew it wasn’t going to last. I was waiting for it to end.
Marie screwed me over by telling him.
“Kat.” Evan calls my name from behind me. Hearing his voice causes a shudder to run down my spine. It’s a slow one that sends a chill over my body.
“I’m going to do everything I can to prove to you how much I love you.”
“Do I even know you?” Even as I whip around and sneer at him a sick voice in the back of my head answers me. Yes. Yes, you knew what you were doing. You knew the man you married.
“You’re the only one who does,” he answers, looking me in the eyes as his broad shoulders fill the doorframe to my office. “You know I love you.”
I scoff at him, choosing to ignore the truth and how much I blame myself.
Right now, it’s all on him. I didn’t cheat on him. I didn’t continue to live a lifestyle that was obviously going to tear us apart.
He did. And fuck him for that.
“I hate you right now.” The words slip out in a breath and he visibly flinches.
“You’re angry, and you have every right to be.”
“Angry doesn’t cut it!” I scream, my throat feeling raw as the salty tears burn my eyes. “I loved you. I would have done anything for you!” I grit out the words through my clenched teeth and try to grip the chair as I stand on shaky legs.
“I loved you so much. And this is how you treat our marriage. With lies and secrets and all this shit I don’t even know about.”
“I’m sorry I kept that from you, but that was it.” He says that was it as if it’s easily accepted. As if he’s never told a lie or done anything else that would ruin us.
“Liar! How many laws have you broken at work?” I let the words tumble from my mouth, all the rage coursing through my blood. “But you kept at it. You were never going to stop until something made you. You didn’t care about me or what it did to us!
“What kind of marriage is that!” As the words tear from my throat and Evan stares back at me a guilty man, the reality hits me like a bullet to the chest.
I was blinded by my lust for him. Maybe even my love. Either way, I’ve been denying the reality.
“I want more than this. I deserve better.”
“I love you,” he says like that’s the answer to all of this. Like it will save us.
“You keep saying that, but I don’t think you know what it means.” Or maybe love just simply isn’t enough anymore.
“What really gets me,” I start to say then take in a long, ragged breath, finally taking a step toward him but immediately stop when he does the same.
Standing across from him in the small office I look him in the eyes and get what I’ve been thinking about out of me. “You saw her all the time. You were with her at every function.” My voice lowers as I add, “Even I was with her so many times. And you didn’t bother to tell me.”
“What happened was a mistake for her too.”
“Don’t talk to me like she didn’t know what she was doing. She was married and she knew we were together. How could you? How could you stand to be around her?”
“I was working. If you’ll recall, you were broke and we needed money. What was I supposed to do? Quit?”
“Does your boss know?” His expression turns to stone, although he looks more pissed off than anything else. “Does James know?” I ask him again.
“I don’t know.”
It’s silent as I breathe out a huff of disgust.
“I’m sorry. I fucked up but it was years ago.”
“It wasn’t just years ago. Every day you went back was a mistake. Every day you kept it from me was a mistake!”
“What part of it being my job don’t you get?” he asks me in a low voice full of anger as he takes another step forward.
“You could have gotten another job.” All I can see is red. The words come out automatically, but my mind is racing. My breathing is heavy.
“Who would hire me?” he asks with sincerity. “You were just starting out and needed every penny I could earn.”
“Don’t act like you did this for me!” I spit at him with anger. My fist pounds against my chest. “Don’t you dare blame this on me!”
Tears prick my eyes as he stares at me without saying a word.
Shame and guilt heat my body. Both of us are raging with emotion. Both of us want to tear the other person apart. That realization is all I can take. Tears spill over and I have to turn away from him. With my back to him, he tries to touch me and I rip my arm away from him. I shake my head and firm my resolve.
“Please leave me alone. I’m begging you, Evan. If you love me, please get away from me.”
Evan
The truth I cannot change,
I’m a sinner and I confess.
But I refuse to let her go,
She’s my love and nothing less.
I love you, Kat, and I’m sorry.
I text her again, the cellphone screen lighting up the dark bedroom in Pops’s house, my old bedroom. The glossy posters reflect the light that scatters into the room in stripes from the blinds on the window. The sound of the traffic is louder here and everything about it reminds me of the life I used to lead. The one before Kat. The one I’m so damn ashamed of now.
I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on his face when I showed up a few hours ago with a duffle bag. It’s like even he lost hope in me making it right with Kat.