It’s crushing to leave her. But it’s different this time. I get exactly why she needs space. This is why I never told her. She needed something to hold on to, though, she needed a solid reason to be pissed at me, so we could get through it and move on.
Still, I didn’t expect it to go down like it did. I’m worthless and it’s never been more apparent to me that my life is meaningless without Kat in it.
I swallow thickly as I lean back on the bed and fall against the pillow. I’ve never felt so alone. I wish I could take it all back.
My eyes close as I feel my heart slow and my blood turn cold. Being here like this makes me remember one of the last conversations I had with my mother.
She’d seen me with Kat while we were out one night. Just a coincidence, but she acted like it was more than it was.
Kat was a fling and a good time. She was someone I wanted more and more of and I made damn sure to monopolize her time until I had my fill, but of course that time would never come. I just didn’t know it back then or I liked to pretend I didn’t anyway.
“She seems sweet,” my mother told me when I came home for Sunday dinner. Looking back at that night now, I realize how much slower she was to set the table. How everything was a little off, but to me, Sunday dinner was just an obligation I had to my mother before I would be leaving to go out and have a good time.
“You didn’t really talk to her,” I said and laughed at my mom, shaking my head and taking a drink from whatever was in my cup. I leaned back and looked at my father, waiting for him to agree with me. When he didn’t, I added, “Plus she’s the only girl you’ve seen me with.”
“That’s true,” Ma replied and shrugged. “I like the way you two look together,” she stated matter-of-factly and then looked me in the eyes as she smiled. “Is it too much to ask that you pretend to value your mother’s opinion?”
I let out a small laugh and shook my head. “I’m glad you approve,” I told her. More just to make her happy than anything else, but it only opened the door for Ma to invite her over for the next family dinner. I had already started coming up with reasons to end it that night.
It was too much. I was young and in my prime and working a job that would keep my appetite well-fed.
I was ready to end it too the next night; it was too serious, too soon. But her smile and the way she laughed at me when I pulled up wearing an old rugby shirt caught me off guard in a way I found completely endearing. She thought it was the oddest thing and I’ll never forget the way her soft voice hummed with laughter and it carried into the night. Who was I to take that away? I knew she’d end it with me anyway. I didn’t know it would be after marriage and six years later.
If I could go back to that night, I would change it all and I’d make sure I told Ma she was right.
“I’m heading to bed.” My father’s voice catches me by surprise and my body jolts from the memory. I pretend to rub the sleep from my burning eyes and clear my throat to tell my father good night. It’s tight with emotion and it takes me a second to sit up in bed.
“You look like hell,” Pops says.
Nodding in agreement, I take a moment to set my feet on the floor. My head is still hung low and my shoulders are sagging as I rest my elbows on my knees.
“How did you keep Ma out of it? All the stupid shit you did?” I ask him. I know he led a wild life. He’s got the stories and the scars to prove it. I came by my lifestyle honestly.
I lift my head and look him in the eyes, forcing a small smile to my face. “I need to know what to do. I need advice.”
“You can’t. It’s gotta stop.” He shrugs his shoulders, the faint light from the hallway casting a long shadow of him into the room, ending at my feet. “That’s the advice I can give you. Don’t keep a thing from her. You should already know that.”
I swallow, or try to, as a ball of spikes grows in my throat. “What if you can’t stop? What if I can’t quit this job and this life?” The image of Tony dead on the floor remains firm in my sight. Even as I blink it away and look up at my father, I can still see him. Dead from an overdose and staring back at me with glassy, lifeless eyes as if it was my fault.
I brought him to that room. The one reserved for partying in our company.
I gave him the coke, but I didn’t know it was laced. And then I left him there to get whiskey and cigarettes.
I brought him to his death.
I can never tell her that. I can barely admit it to myself.
“Did you ever mess up so bad, you thought you could never make it right?” I ask even though his answer doesn’t matter. I guess I just don’t want to feel so alone.
“We all do; you just find a way. I’m sorry, but it’s the best I’ve got.”
“Find a way …” I say the words softly, barely moving my lips as I look at the edge of the comforter, wishing it were that easy.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Evan. I did everything for your mom, and I’d do it all again. Maybe that’s where you went wrong?”
“What’s that?” I’m quick to ask him, my gaze focused on Pops and whatever it is he has to say. I’m desperate for an answer to all this shit. I need to take it all back.
“You weren’t thinking about her.”
His words sink in slow, but deep.
I shake my head and agree, “No, I wasn’t.”
“The best thing you ever did was marry that girl.” I nod my head, feeling a jagged pain move through my body. “Worse thing you ever did was leave her side.”
He doesn’t know how true his words are.
Kat
You left a space beside me,
You left me all alone.
You left a space beside me,
I thought my heart would turn to stone.
You left a space beside me,
Desire creeps in the night.
You left a space beside me,
Lust fills the emptiness up just right.
The evening skyline is gorgeous. The colors of autumn dance along the buildings and the beautiful hues of orange and soft reds travel up to the bright full moon.
It’s early for the moon to be out, but as I walk away from the townhouse, down the stone steps as the heavy walnut door shuts behind me, I can’t help but admire it. There’s beauty in nature and having the small bit of it above the city is something I’ve taken for granted for so long.
With each step, my boots click on the concrete, until my body stumbles forward and I nearly fall down the last two stairs.
“Shoot!” I cry out as I frantically reach for the iron rail and just barely get a grip tight enough to keep me upright. My purse is flung down to the crook of my arm, spilling odds and ends, including my phone, onto the busy street.
I curse beneath my breath as my cheeks heat with embarrassment and I keep my head down. Most people walk around me, and I’m fine with that. Better than fine. I’m happy that they’re just ignoring me and my clumsiness.
I crouch down low to grab the fallen items, ignoring the bystanders as they steer clear of me but as I stand up, I realize someone didn’t miss my fall and their eyes haven’t left me.
“You okay?” Jacob asks as he comes toward me, nearly out of breath. His cheeks are slightly red, the chill of the air getting to him. His hand is cold on my shoulder as he helps me stand upright. His thick black wool jacket brushes against mine and the heavy scent of pine, a masculine fragrance I love, fills my lungs.