“Wait. What?” I finally sputter out my single word question.
“Sydnee’s nine weeks pregnant with Deacon’s baby,” Britney confesses for Sydnee. “She just found out and was going to tell him, but—”
“Say no more.” I move in closer to the girls and wrap my arms around both of them. Sydnee’s pregnant with Deacon’s baby. Wow.
31
Britney
The next couple of days go by in a blur. The police chief’s wife and Deacon’s sergeant’s wife have been angels during this time of grieving. Beth won’t leave my mother’s side, and my dad has buried himself in work. He’s struggling with the loss of his son, but he won’t show it. Dad keeps telling me he’s fine, but those words don’t sit well with me. I have to remind myself that my dad is not Deacon. I know he’s trying to be the strong one for my mother and me.
Sydnee finally found the nerve to tell my parents that she’s pregnant with Deacon’s baby. They were shocked, just as I was, but her baby is our beacon of light during these dark times. My parents are delighted with the idea of being grandparents, and I will be the best aunt any kid will ever have.
Dropping the pregnancy bomb on Kade the way we did took away from the fact that moments before he found out Sydnee is pregnant, he told me he loves me. We spoke long enough for me to say to him that I believe he didn’t do anything with Destiny, and I don’t regret what had happened. But since then, we’ve been in the same room with others around, but not alone.
“Are you ready?” Sydnee asks from behind me. I’ve been standing in front of my mirror, wearing an all-black knee-length dress and staring at my pale face, trying to decide if I should attempt to do my makeup. When I share my dilemma with Syd, she says, “What’s the use?” I turn to see she’s wearing a dark gray blouse with a black skirt and no makeup.
“You’re right. I guess I’m ready then.” I grab my clutch off of the bed and exit my room. We have two hours before my brother’s funeral, and I told my parents that we would come over early so we could all leave from their house together. My dad rented a stretch limousine that will fit ten people comfortably. Luckily, there are only seven of us.
The doorbell rings. I’m not expecting anyone, and I don’t think Sydnee is either. Still, I check the peephole and see a courier, so I open the door.
“Miss Britney Winslow?” the courier asks.
“Yes,” I respond hesitantly.
“Please sign here.” He points to an “x” on the piece of paper and then proceeds to hand me a cardboard envelope. “Have a good day, miss.” I don’t say thank you or you too. I simply close the door and stare at the envelope.
“What is it?” Sydnee questions.
“I don’t know.”
“Open it.”
I do as my friend suggests, and pull the tab to open the envelope. A lump gets lodged in my throat when I see four envelopes inside, each individually addressed in my brother’s handwriting. There’s one for my parents, one for Sydnee, one for me, and one for Kade. These are Deacon’s final words, his goodbye to those who love him.
“B, what is it?” Syd’s tone is more anxious than before.
Accompanying the envelopes is a letter from an attorney’s office stating that he was to mail the four envelopes to me by today. The letter makes no mention of my brother’s death, but then my brother had no way to know today would be his funeral. So, maybe he just chose a random.
Removing the other contents, I let the cardboard envelope fall to the ground. When Sydnee’s focus goes to the white envelopes, she takes a few steps back and sits down in the closest chair. I can tell she’s not ready for this. Hell, I’m not ready for this, but I need to know what was going through my brother’s head that he thought suicide was his only way out.
“Here. This one is for you.” She takes it with shaking hands and stares at it, not moving to open it, but then she rips it open and starts to read out loud. I’m not even sure she realizes she is reading out loud.
“Syd, my raven-haired beauty. I want you to know that I never loved anyone but you. My own stupidity kept us apart, and I take that regret to my grave. Our last night together was something I needed. Although it may have felt like we were finding our way toward something new, I was seeking closure. That’s selfish, I know. But what I plan to do is even more so. Please remember our good times and our bad times, because it’s both that made us better friends. I’m sorry, Sydnee. Love, Deacon…” Sydnee’s voice trails at the end and her tears drip onto the paper. She looks up to meet my teary eyes.
“Sydnee, I don’t know what to say.” My heart breaks for her and my unborn niece or nephew.
“There’s nothing to say. Oddly enough, I feel better knowing that Deacon still loved me, and our child will know that too,” she adds while rubbing her hand over her stomach. Syd has a strange calm about her. My brother said he had been seeking closure, and maybe this letter is exactly that for Sydnee—closure. “Are you going to read yours?”
After hearing her letter, I don’t know how to answer that question. Part of me thinks that I’ll get the answer to my question. But what if I don’t? So, I’m undecided. I don’t know if I want to read my brother’s last words to me. I failed him. Do I deserve to know his final thoughts?
“Brit, I know you’re scared. I was too, but maybe, just maybe, you will find peace from your letter.” Sydnee isn’t entirely wrong.
“Is it wrong that I want to know what Kade’s letter says instead?” I’m not the nosy type, but I am curious to know what my brother has to say to Kade.
“I won’t tell if you won’t.” Sydnee is trying to coax me into opening Kade’s letter, and I’m about to do it when there’s another knock at the door. “I got it.” She stands from her chair and saunters in the direction of the door. When she returns to the dining room, she isn’t alone. Kade is right behind her, looking damn good in his black suit, gray dress shirt, and a thin blue line tie with my brother’s badge number on it. The chief had his wife order custom ties for the officers and yellow ribbon pins with my brother’s badge number in blue for my family and non-sworn employees at the police department.
“Were your ears burning?” I ask jokingly.
“Why? Were you two talking shit about me?” There’s a lightness to his tone. It’s not somber or strained like it has been.
“We weren’t talking shit. These arrived about twenty minutes ago.” I hold up the remaining three envelopes and Kade immediately recognizes my brother’s handwriting. “Your name is on one of them.”
“Are those—?”
“Yeah. Syd already read hers.”
His eyes go to her, seeking some sort of indication that what she received affected her in any way.
“You can read it if you want.” Sydnee holds her letter up to Kade.
“No, it’s okay. Those are D’s last words to you. I don’t need to know what he said. But, thanks for offering.”
Sydnee nods and leaves the dining room. I hear a door close, so I assume she went to her room to give Kade and me some privacy.