“Here.” I hand him his envelope and he wastes no time tearing into it. Like Sydnee, he needs answers and closure now, not later. While Kade silently reads his letter, his eyes pool with tears as they skim the page filled with my brother’s final words to his best friend. “Read your letter, Brit,” is all he says to me. When his dark eyes meet mine, he reaches his hand out to me, so I take it. Kade then takes a seat on one of the chairs at the dining room table and pulls me down to his lap. “My beautiful Britney, as much as it pains you to do so, I think you should read your letter.”
“Kade, I’m not ready.” Kade places his letter on the table and brings a hand up to cup my face. His eyes are like molten chocolate with specks of gold, and those eyes are begging me to read my letter. Kade pulls my face close enough to his to place a sweet kiss to my lips.
“Sydnee and I are both here for you. I think you should read the letter.”
“Okay.” I finally give in to Kade’s request and gingerly open the envelope, afraid that whatever is inside will bite me. Kade wraps an arm around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder as I begin to read my brother’s last words to me.
My Dearest Sister,
Where to begin? First, please know that I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to be the big brother you were proud to look up to, the one who would protect you from all that’s bad in the world. That was part of the reason I wanted to become a cop. But, when I took my oath to serve and protect, I didn’t expect my badge to weigh so heavily on my heart.
Britney, there is no saving me and it’s not worth beating yourself up over. You did everything right. You did everything a loving sister could do for her brother. You may not think so right now, but you were my strength when I needed it most. You gave me hope, and with that hope, I thought I could beat my demons, but I am weak and tired, and I can’t take it anymore.
Believe me when I say the day I take my life isn’t the day that I died. I died the day Anjelica Gomez took her last breath. Holding her hand, willing her to live as she laid there struggling to stay alive is all I can see, day in and day out. I knew then there was no future for me past that day.
And lastly, I need you to pay attention here. I apologize for being a shitty brother. I know I’m selfish for taking my own life, but what I’m most sorry for is my stubbornness. For years I’ve stood in the way of your happiness, and that is my biggest regret. I won’t get to see you and Kade happy together, loving each other like you should have been all these years. Deep down, I knew he would never hurt you, but I didn’t want to back down, and that stubbornness was at the cost of your happiness and Kade’s. So please, love him, Britney. Love Kade, marry him, take care of him, and have lots of babies together, because you two deserve your happily ever after.
So, as ridiculous as it may sound, Kade is no longer bound to our childish pact. I want you to live out your lives together without guilt shadowing your love.
Thank you for being the best sister and friend a guy could ever have. And I hope someday you will forgive me. I love you, Brit.
All my love,
Deacon
I read through the letter twice, through blurred vision from the tears that won’t quit, and part of me is still mad at my brother, but the other part of me is sympathetic and understands his torment. Deacon didn’t intend for me to be the one to find his body, but I am, and it’s a sight ingrained in my memory, but I won’t let that be the end of me.
Sure, it’ll take time and a lot of therapy to sort through my feelings, but I’m a fighter. I proved that after I was raped. So, I will survive for my brother, my parents, my best friend, and my brother’s baby that’s growing inside her belly; I will survive for Kade. Most of all, I will survive for me.
“Excuse me,” I tell Kade as I stand from his lap. “I’ll be right back.”
“Take your time.”
I needed a minute to myself. I know Kade read every word of my letter, and I assume Deacon told him the same thing—that he’s free from their stupid promise, or pact, or whatever the hell it’s called—and that’s why he pushed for me to read my letter now instead of later.
Once I have myself somewhat presentable once again, I head back out to the living room to find Kade hugging Sydnee. Those two have a love-hate relationship, but something tells me they will get over their issues with one another and finally be real friends.
“You guys ready to go to my parents’?”
“I’ll drive,” Kade offers.
We arrive at my parents’ place with time to spare before the limousine is set to arrive, so I give my parents their letter from Deacon. Watching my father cry damn near shatters me. But, I’m glad he’s letting it out, and not trying to keep his feelings bottled up. He’s hurting and grieving for his son, just like mom, who hasn’t stopped crying since Deacon died.
We’re all in the great room while caterers are buzzing around the kitchen area. Kade offered up his house for the funeral reception, and then Beth did as well, but my mom was adamant about having it here. I think it’s so she can come home and disappear if she needs to. I don’t blame her. I’m glad I still have my bedroom here too.
The limousine pulls up and we’re all about to load in when the one person I never thought would be in attendance is here—Mr. Beaumont.
32
Kade
What in the fuck is my father doing here?
“Son,” he says to me. “Beth, my love.” He greets my mother with a kiss to her cheek. “Mr. and Mrs. Winslow, Britney. I’m sorry for your loss.” His words are delivered direct and to the point, with no emotion behind them, like he’s a fucking robot. But that’s who my father is.
“Thank you, Mr. Beaumont,” Britney’s dad chimes in for all of us. “Will you be joining us in the limousine?”
“No, thank you. I have my driver. I will be leaving for the airport right after the service.”
Why in the hell did he even come here? He never visited once after I was shot, but he shows up for my best friend’s funeral?
“Don’t do us any favors, Art.” I choose to use a name he despises to get under his skin like he’s doing to me. Britney’s hand slides into mine, letting me know this isn’t the time to hash out family shit.
“Kade, please. Your father wants to be here. Right, dear?” My mother defends the prick as she always does.
“Come, Beth. You can ride with me.” My dad places his hand at the small of my mother’s back and guides her to his waiting Tesla.
“Kade, don’t let him get to you. You’re a better man than him. Don’t ever forget that,” Britney whispers so no one else can hear. I nod and place a kiss at the top of her head. We haven’t discussed what Deacon wrote in our letters, or where we go from here, but one thing is for sure, Britney Winslow will be my wife someday.
We arrive at the church to find the street parking and parking lot full of police, fire, and other first responder vehicles, as well as many others who wanted to come to pay their respects. I wasn’t anticipating a turnout like this, and neither were the Winslows.
“Are all these people here for Deacon?” Mrs. Winslow asks.