“It’s gonna burn, babe. But it’s all temporary.”
“Temporary? How can you be so sure?” I asked with a huff.
“Because, child, this whole damn life is temporary. You’re not promised forever. You’re not even promised tomorrow. You get one life. One heart. One opportunity to make your existence count, and even if Lance never speaks to the two of you again, it’ll all be temporary, even when it feels like forever, it’s not. And I don’t know your brother, but he’s not going to throw away decades of friendship over this. He’s not going to push you away like everyone else in your life has, Blake.”
“It’s Blakely, Rose. Blakely.”
“Atta girl.” Rose took another drag of her joint and closed her eyes happily as she held it in. Her smile was infectious, and I wished I could have the sort of confidence and optimism she spewed daily. “Tell them, Blakely. Life’s too short for secrets. Call Decker up right now and say it’s time to put his big boy panties on and handle his shit.”
“Right now?” I stuttered.
“Right. Now. I’m gonna sit with you while you tell him.”
I fished my cell phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen for a long moment, debating on whether or not I could actually do this. My chest constricted as I pulled up his name and hit dial. My stomach fell the moment his deep, tired voice answered on the other line.
“Hey, punk,” he greeted in a low voice. I envisioned him sitting in his bedroom, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. He was probably in sweats and rubbing circles along his abs. “Are you on your way home? Need me to come get you?”
“I’m about to leave. I can walk with Rose. How was your night with Lance?”
Across from me, Rose rolled her eyes. She damn well knew I was stalling. “Brutal,” Decker replied, snapping my attention back to him. “He knows me too well. Asked who I was dating, because I’ve been happier lately. I made up some bullshit about a girl online, but he wasn’t convinced. I think he’s onto us. Maybe we should tone things down a notch? We have to be more careful.”
I let out a shaky sigh. “What if we weren’t more careful?” I asked.
Decker didn’t immediately respond, and I suddenly felt very, very tired. “What are you suggesting?”
“I’m suggesting we try something new. I’m suggesting we tell him. I’m suggesting I switch schools. I’m suggesting we do this for real, Decker.”
The other end of the line went silent for a long moment. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I tried to calm myself.
“I can’t, Blakely. Not yet. It’s still too soon,” he finally said.
I glanced at Rose, but she was blurry from the tears in my eyes. “Then I can’t do this. I care too much about both of you.”
“Are you breaking up with me over the phone?” he seethed. “Is Rose there? Come home, Blakely. Let’s talk about this, okay? I’m not saying never; I’m just saying not right now.”
It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. It felt like my soul was on fire, but I knew I had to end this. I refused to be like my mama. I refused to be someone’s dirty little secret. “And I’m saying when you’re willing to tell Lance, I’ll be willing to try with you again.”
I hung up like a child, slamming it down on the table. I was unwilling to hash this out any further. He was right, it was ridiculous to do this over the phone, but when else would we? It’s not like we could have a fight with Lance just down the hall. We couldn’t go out and do this thing over dinner. We couldn’t hash things out in his classroom. We were stuck, and Rose was right. Life was too short to feel stuck anymore.
But I was tired, so very tired. My chest was shaking with exhaustion. My eyes felt heavy as they shed tears. “Wanna stay at my place, baby?” Rose asked with a tender smile.
“Yes, please. I just want to sleep.”
“That’s the best cure for being tired, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I cried all night and didn’t get a wink of sleep.
29
Blakely
It was impossible to sit through Decker’s class and not feel the urge to cry. I spent all of last night in Rose’s RV, sobbing my eyes out while trying to find a way to make this work and crumbling when every option hit a brick wall. I wasn’t willing to sneak around anymore, and he wasn’t willing to tell Lance.
Decker didn’t look too well, either. His eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles. His button-up shirt was wrinkled, and he barely put any effort into his lecture. It broke me to see him so broken. It hurt me to see the evidence of his hurt. But once again, the world stood in our way. I couldn’t approach him in class, and Lance would be home tonight.
We spent most of our class reading from our textbook, but I couldn’t bring myself to read. He brooded at his desk but kept his eyes on me. I usually would have bugged him for being so obvious, but I guess we didn’t have to worry about that anymore. My heart was breaking, but I didn’t know what else to do. I knew that we could overcome the age difference and the fact that he was my teacher. But I couldn’t keep the secret from Lance. It made me feel too much like my mother, and I didn’t want to deceive Lance.
“Blakely, please stay after class,” Decker instructed. I wasn’t expecting him to speak to me. What hurt the most was the feeling that he wasn’t willing to fight for us. Last night, I turned my phone off, but there were no messages when I turned it back on this morning. No calls. No pleas for me to come home. Maybe it was immature to want to be chased. It was undoubtedly unhealthy and something my mama would’ve done. But I wanted Decker to love me enough to at least try.
“Yes, Mr. Harris,” I replied as the class filtered out. Maximillian waited by the door and gave me a nod of solidarity before disappearing into the hall.
Decker and I sat in silence for far too long. His lack of words spoke a clear message right through my heart and echoed everything we’d been building up to. Nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing. Keep this a secret.
He wanted me to be empty of my honesty and full of him.
“Surprised you wanted to talk,” I finally spat out. I couldn’t handle squirming under his pain-filled stare any longer.
“What? Because I didn’t text or call after your little outburst last night? Unlike you, I don’t prefer to break people’s hearts over the phone.”
Ouch. Last night, I felt confident in my impulsive decision. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
“When would you have suggested we have this conversation, Decker? After class? Over dinner with my brother? Hell, we could just call an assembly of all the people we’re lying to and announce it to the fucking world.”
He slammed a fist on his desk and stalked over to me. I stood up and backed away, not trusting myself to be close to him. Decker was relentless, determined to close the physical and emotional distance between us with every step. My back hit a lab table, and I looked around for an escape but couldn’t find one. Within seconds, Decker was cupping my neck. “You broke me,” he choked out while squeezing lightly.
“You broke me first,” I rasped.