Language might not be my strongest area of understanding, but I am able to recognize these are not typical word choices for Liv. Her tone sounds robotic rather than the usually happy lilt I associate with her speech.
“You must be in severe pain.” I am quite sore, and I was not the one invaded in multiple areas, multiple times. If the invader is uncomfortable, the invaded must be even more tender. “Let me provide you with comfort. Did you eat the food I brought you? I will get you some pain medication.”
“No, thank you,” she murmurs, slipping out of my arms to walk past me toward the coffee maker that is only present on my countertop because Liv loves coffee. I brought her coffee maker over from her condo.
My hands are beginning to tremble from mounting anxiety as I watch her pour herself a cup of coffee in silence. I left coffee on the nightstand for her, but she clearly does not want to imbibe my offering. She is obviously angry with me. Perhaps I misjudged her probing questions, taking them for an admission of interest rather than simple curiosity. Though she reached orgasm, she must not approve of the ways in which I used her body for my own sensory pleasure.
“We will not engage in sexual relations again,” I promise her. “I have read about a relatively new product on the market that enables at-home insemination. I will purchase the device and be able to maintain my pledge to be your donor without the necessity of causing pain to your body.”
She raises her eyebrows over the rim of her mug. “Like a turkey baster?”
I also read that some desperate women resorted to the use of exactly that kitchen instrument. “The mechanics are similar, yes. It is a much more natural delivery system, according to the testimonials.”
She lowers her mug just a little and studies the air in front of her. “I have so many questions…”
Liv already seems much more relaxed now that she knows she will not have to participate in coitus again.
I latch on to verbally repairing the damage I have done. “I am happy to answer any questions you may have. I will also send you the link to the website so that you can gain all the information necessary to determine if you would like to try this avenue for conception. From what I understand, it is a much more pleasurable experience than a turkey baster and will result in no unwanted pain for you.”
Liv’s shoulders slump. This is a clear sign of displeasure. She stares at the bottles of pills still sitting on the counter.
I slide in front of them to hide them from view.
She sighs. “Ollie, I don’t want to lie to you. I’m very sore, yes. I will not be able to comfortably have sex with you for a few days. I’m sorry that this will mean we’re unable to practice anymore before my ovulation window. But, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”
That makes absolutely no sense. “Explain.”
She gestures toward the pill bottles behind me. “Finish your routine first. I don’t want to put you off schedule any more than I already have.”
I dislike the idea of her watching me swallow my pills, but she is correct. I am so far off course that I am likely to experience the repercussions for the rest of the day.
With my back to her, she clarifies her position of being angry with herself. “I foolishly believed that since we entered into an agreement to become parents together that it meant an added layer of depth to our relationship.”
I swing around to look at her so quickly, I become dizzy. The countertop supports me when I cling to it.
She waves her hands through the air. “That’s my fault. Entirely mine! You didn’t do anything wrong!”
“It is an added layer of depth to our relationship,” I affirm. “We have never been parents of the same child before. We have never engaged in sexual relations before.”
She smiles, but it does not look like her typical happy expression. “We have not. I obviously understand how much value you place on sex. You wouldn’t have had so many girlfriends if you didn’t enjoy it.”
“I enjoy orgasms very much.” I see no harm in admitting this.
I am not bringing up the women I have had sex with in the past. Orgasms are inherently enjoyable. If they were not, humans would not have evolved to derive pleasure from the necessary biological functions of ensuring the reproduction of our species. Many animals experience acute pain during intercourse. Cats are an excellent example. Males have barbed penises that cause the female extensive distress. Very few mammals engage in intercourse for pleasure rather than procreation. Dolphins are one such mammal. Like humans, they are highly intelligent and exhibit complex social structures.
“Sex has a different meaning for you than it does for me,” she says. “For you, it is a means to an end. Something you engage in to receive a physical reward for the act. For me, it means that I trust the person I let into my body. That I have an emotional attachment to them.”
“I still do not understand why you are angry with yourself,” I interject. “It is not a stretch of the imagination to assume that you both trust and have an emotional attachment to me. We are best friends.”
“We are,” she agrees. She finishes off her coffee in a few swallows that focus all my attention on the movement of her throat muscles. She rinses her mug then places it in the sink. “I’m angry with myself because I didn’t consider our differing definitions of the meaning and value of sex. I expected certain reactions from you that aren’t fair.”
“What reaction do you want from me?” I feel as though I am speaking English, and she is speaking German. They are closely related languages from the same family. I can translate similar words and phrases, decipher her mood from the tone of her voice and the expression on her face and the set of her shoulders. However, I am not fluent in German. I am close, but I am not in possession of a bi-lingual dictionary. “Tell me what you want, and I will do it.”
“I want the same thing I’ve always wanted—for you to be happy and to lead a fulfilling life.”
I do not like hearing those words in that order from her mouth. I associate them with patronizing. “I have already explained that I want you to be happy. I would prefer if we could continue being happy together.”
She sighs. She smiles. She steps forward and rubs my arm in a particularly soothing motion that somehow irritates me. My medication will not take effect for another twenty-eight minutes at least. I have the good sense to be aware of that fact, so I do not speak in ways that I will regret later.
“Ollie, I want to ask you some really hard questions, but I don’t want you to answer right away. I’d like you to take the rest of the day to think about them very carefully.”
That seems like a wise idea, considering how far off schedule I am. “I will. Ask away.”
The corner of her mouth pulls up. “Do you want a baby?”
“Yes,” I blurt.
She places her hand over my mouth. “Think the rest of the day. Answer later.”
I nod and resist the urge to kiss her fingers. She clearly wants me to consider these things carefully. I always give Liv my full consideration.
“You can give me a baby, and I’m honored to receive that gift. That doesn’t mean you want a baby. Any child we conceive together will be your mother’s grandchild. I would never stand in the way of that. But, Ollie. Babies are loud. Sometimes they smell bad. They’re unpredictable. They don’t have set schedules. In fact, their schedules change quite often as they grow. They grow rapidly in the first few years. If you want to be a father to a child we might conceive together, I welcome that. I’m just not sure how thoroughly you’ve thought this plan through.”