Just as I first suspected. She has been patronizing me all this time. “I have accounted for all those factors. Many men father many children, and they are not so concerned with rearing them. I want to have a child. I want to be a father, not just a sperm donor. If you are doubting our arrangement, then perhaps it is you who needs to think for the rest of the day instead of me.”
She sighs, a deep heavy sound that weighs against my skin. “Maybe you’re right. Ollie?”
“What?” In spite of trying to control myself without the aid of medication, I snap the word into the space between us. She is so close, yet she feels unattainably far.
“I’d like you to also think about what expectations you have for the mother of your child. Just like our definitions of the meaning of sex differ, this might be another area that we assign mutually exclusive values. I would like to have a family if I’m not utilizing an anonymous sperm clinic. I want a father, mother, and child to live in the same household and share love between them that is not dependent upon the physical pleasure of sex.”
I feel my face crinkling with displeasure that I cannot conceal. “A parent and child should never engage in sex. That is reprehensible, and I one-hundred percent do not share your definition of love.”
Her face disappears when she angles it toward the floor. Four point three seconds of silence occur before she returns her gaze to me. Her expression is…expressionless. “You’re absolutely right. I misspoke. I also do not believe a sexual relationship between parent and child is ever appropriate. What I meant is a definition of love between parents that is dependent upon sex.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. I love Liv, but not enough to participate in those types of immoral relations. “I am glad we agree on that definition.”
She smiles. This one feels genuine. “Me, too. So, I want you to really think for the rest of the day about what your definition of a family is. I want you to think about what your definition of a life partner is. That doesn’t have to mean a woman you marry and make your wife. For example, do you imagine impregnating me then continuing to date other women after your fatherhood is assured? A mother who’s just had a baby can’t have sex for several weeks while her body recovers from the trauma of birth. You clearly have physical needs that must be met during that time. A newborn baby cries often, sleeps very little during the night, and dirties more diapers than either of us can imagine right now. We can research these topics for the next nine months, but knowledge and experience are two very different things.”
I never imagined Liv would turn out to be like so many other people in my life. “You do not believe I can handle it.”
She shakes her head. “I know you can handle it. If you really want to. I’m just not sure if you honestly want what you’re asking for. Our agreement sounds good on paper, but when push comes to shove, paper can’t give you an orgasm whenever and wherever you want one.”
“I am capable of controlling myself,” I bite out, my throat feeling too tight for breath. “I desired orgasms quite often during high school and college, but I did not fail all of my classes in pursuit of that physical desire.”
I desired orgasms from Liv, but I did not beg her to choose me instead of her first boyfriend. Even during the two years we shared an apartment, I maintained a very, very precarious control over my bodily urges in spite of her being so physically close most of the time. I am very capable of controlling myself. Only not when she is naked, apparently.
“No.” Her eyebrows raise. “You got As in all of your classes because that’s what you really wanted to accomplish. You created your own brilliant coping techniques to achieve the goal you wanted most. If being a father is what you want most right now, then there are many possibilities to achieve that goal that don’t involve me being your child’s mother.”
I throw my arms out to the side, but the sensation does little to relieve my internal anguish. “Who else would I possibly father a child with?”
She places her hands on my chest. I recognize this as another condescending gesture that matches her words perfectly. “This is what concerns me, Ollie. I don’t want to be your last resort. I want to be your first choice. I’m angry with myself for assuming the latter is the case when that may not be the truth at all. You’re facing a great deal of pressure from your family. They expect you to get married and provide them grandchildren, but I’m just not sure that’s what you really want out of life. I’d very much appreciate it if you would take the rest of the day to think about that.”
“I do not need to think about it,” I yell to the detriment of my own ears. “Just because I am weird does not mean I do not know what I want!”
Liv’s eyes close briefly. She stares at my mouth when she speaks. “You’re not weird, Ollie. You’re you. No one else is you, and no one else’s thoughts or opinions should direct your life in any way. Only you can do that.”
“That is not true,” I spit. “I am feeling very unhappy now because of you.”
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings,” she says in a very patronizing tone of voice. “I’m just trying to be honest with you. I’m sore, and I’m confused, and I’m worried that we won’t be best friends anymore because of how complicated this agreement is turning out to be. As much as I didn’t like any of your girlfriends, I understand now that you were trying to protect yourself by carefully choosing the type of women you shared orgasms with. I’m not easy like they are because I don’t want to be. Maybe that’s not fair to you. Maybe you want easy. Impregnating me might be easy but having a baby with me won’t be. If I’m going to accept your gift of a sperm donation, then I want to be sure we’re clear on our definitions of roles and expectations. Please take the rest of the day to think about it. I’m going to take a bath and soak my sore lady parts.”
She pats my chest twice then walks away. The stairs creak with every one of her steps.
My mind is a tangle of rapid-fire thoughts, but I still hear the sounds of doors opening and closing upstairs, the tub faucet in the bathroom turning on, and then…nothing.
Nothing else to give me a clue about what she is truly thinking or feeling when she is apart from me.
All I have are my own feelings and thoughts.
This is my last attempt at making Liv fall in love with me, and apparently, all I have succeeded in accomplishing is making her doubt my intent.
I am not at all happy with this outcome.
I stare at the pill bottles lined up in a perfectly symmetrical row on the countertop. I rely on their chemical properties to help me function during the day in a somewhat socially acceptable manner. Through hard work, careful research, and close imitation, I have achieved more than many thought possible. I graduated high school with honors, was accepted into a prestigious university, awarded multiple degrees in computer science, became extremely fluent in a language that is much more logical than anything humans could ever produce, was hired by Google to make an obscene amount of money doing something I love to do, and have even achieved the highly unlikely goal of seducing many women to not only provide me with orgasms but also to beg me to pleasure them.
And yet I cannot win the love of a woman who I have loved for over half of my life.