“No! What does that even mean?”
“I’m on the pill, idiot. It would never have happened.”
“I know. You said that the first time we…and no. I was never trying to keep you with me. This wasn’t…this wasn’t supposed to happen. I just wanted us to get to know each other without the pressure because you wouldn’t even listen to your parents. They were trying to explain, I guess.”
“Well, they did a shit job of it.” Feeney’s not losing steam. She’s still just as angry, and her whole body’s rigid with it, her cheeks a bright, vibrant pink, her mouth an angry, flat line.
“They might have, but that’s why they called me, and we made up a plan in about five minutes. We thought this would be best. You wouldn’t know who I was, so you wouldn’t be spoiled by it or bitter about it from the start. I wanted you to get to know Shade, and I thought, if you were terrible, I’d call it off. I did want to tell you, long before now. I just…I never meant…I didn’t think I’d start feeling something for you.”
Feeney’s nostrils flare, and she rolls her eyes. “Jesus Christ. Chicken nuggets. Fuck. All the swears in the whole freaking world! I could use any and all of them, and they’d all apply. How could you be so horrible?! You didn’t think to tell me that night when we were talking? That night right before we…when we…you should have said something!”
“I know! I know I should have! I just didn’t know how to. I know I should have told you the truth, and I’ve tried!”
“But what? You were afraid our little arrangement would be over? You can have anyone, Luke. Anyone will sleep with you if that’s all you want.”
“That’s not all I want!”
“No? You said so yourself that you didn’t want anything from me. It was supposed to be about Shade.”
“I didn’t want anything from you! And it was about Shade! It still is! I just…I never thought I could…that I could care again…”
“And certainly not for me. I don’t believe you really do. I can’t believe you because people who care about each other don’t lie to each other. They don’t secretly plot with someone else’s family members and friends. Do you have any idea how messed up that is? Now it seems I can’t trust anyone!”
“That’s not true. You can trust me. You can. Feeney, I—”
“No. Stop it!” She puts up her hand in a visual gesture just in case I don’t get the hint by the terrible rage, fury, and anguish slicing through her tone.
It hurts to look at her. Her whole face is now pink, but it’s her eyes that I can’t meet. Every single emotion is there—her pain, her hurt, her anger, her sadness, her disappointment. I can literally feel everything we shared slipping away—all the things we couldn’t put into words are never going to be said, all because I messed this up. Badly. Even listening to myself, I see no justification in what I did. What was I even thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t—my dad’s right. I am an idiot and everything that word entails, which is putting it kindly. I wasn’t thinking, and I never thought about Feeney until it was too late. I didn’t give a shit if the merger didn’t happen, but I really did care about Shade, about him having someone there, and about trying to rebuild our lives. I thought some kind of agreement was the best way because I never thought I’d be able to be with someone again, at least in the normal way people are with other people. I didn’t think I had the capacity for it.
But Feeney proved to me that I did, and she proved it in a shockingly short amount of time. She set me straight, set me right, set me everything.
And still, I didn’t tell her.
I can’t say it was just because I didn’t want to lose her. It might be true, and it does make me sound like a selfish bastard, which yes, that might be true too. It also makes me seem like an ignorant ignoramus, and yes, I’m probably both of those, but I really didn’t want Shade to lose her. Truly. I was trying to protect my son, but it sounds like an excuse, even in my own mind, so I don’t say it.
I don’t say anything else, except the one thing Feeney deserves to hear.
“I’m sorry. You’re right about all of it. I should never have done it, considered it, or even listened to and entertained the idea. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t come up with it. I was still wrong. I was thinking about Shade, but that doesn’t make it right either. I don’t know what the hell was the matter with me or why I couldn’t use my head. It was selfish, it was wrong, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“How about I’m sorry I plotted against you? Or I’m sorry I decided to trade you in so I can merge with your father’s company? I’m sorry I didn’t even see you as a person but just thought of you as an inanimate thing without feelings. I’m sorry I was in the market to get my son a mom without actually having to put in any work myself. I’m sorry I was shut down, self-absorbed, and an egomaniac asshole. I’m sorry I am the most diabolical shit of a liar on the whole entire planet. I’m sorry I used your body and fucked with your feelings and emotions to try and manipulate you into—”
“No!” I shake my head firmly. “No. I never did that.”
“You did! You might not have been trying to, but you did.”
I lean forward, elbows on my knees, my face in my hands. “Point taken,” I say before blowing out a breath. I thought I knew what it was like to feel tired before, but right now, I feel extremely exhausted.
“How’s this for a point?” Feeney flips me off and storms out of the room.
I don’t chase after her because I thought she’s just going up to her room to be alone and think for a while. I don’t want to go up there and force her to talk to me, and I don’t want to make things worse than they already are, because shit, things are looking pretty bleak.
I guess I’m wrong about absolutely everything in the universe because a few minutes later, Feeney storms back into the room, her duffel on her shoulder. “I’m leaving, obviously. Tell…tell Shade I’m sorry and that I’ll miss him. Also, tell him his dad is a lying, salty piece of shady shit. That should about cover it when he asks you why I had to go.”
Without waiting for an answer or even offering me an explanation on what salty means, because I’m sure she wasn’t referring to actual seasoning—apparently, I haven’t kept up with the lingo as of late—Feeney storms out of the room.
Out the front door.
Away from the house.
Out of my life.
And out of Shade’s life.
I remain on the couch for a few minutes, wallowing in self-pity and regret. I’m angry with myself, Feeney’s parents, and whoever or whatever is out there for taking Britt away from me. I’m angry that I could never let myself be happy and how I didn’t even know what it meant. I’m pissed at myself for being pissed about that because none of this had anything to do with Britt dying. This had everything to do with me, just as Feeney said. It was all me. Well, me and her dad, but mostly me. I was the one who lied to her. Her parents, at least, tried to tell her straight up. I was the one who went along with this horrendously stupid plan.