I winced. This physically hurt me. The invasion of privacy and loss of control made me sick.
“I’m sure the detective will find that tape before it leaks. Mav has good judgment—I’m sure he got the best detective he could find.”
“Maverick did sound pretty excited by him.” He let out a breath that sounded like he’d been holding it for years. “I don’t know. We’ll see, I guess. I try not to think about it too much.” His frown started to grow into a smile. “I’m glad I don’t have to leave either. You’re a great distraction. I’m only obsessing over my problems for about half the day; the other half I’m thinking about you.”
That brought a blush to my cheeks. The heat spread through me, lighting up parts that shouldn’t be lit right then.
“I’m glad you’re staying, too,” I said.
“Well, good,” Rex said, a hand running absentmindedly over his chest, seemingly unaware of the effect that move had on me.
He’s about to be very aware if he looks down.
“I didn’t want to leave so soon. I’ve missed you, Benji.”
Oh. Okay, wasn’t expecting all that.
“I missed you, too.”
It’s done. Never again.
“You know, Benj, ever since that trip to Costa Rica, I’ve… I don’t know. Everywhere I go, I feel like I’m looking for something. Someone.” Rex took in a breath, his hand falling to his side. “When I got here, I didn’t feel like that anymore. Even though my entire life is turned upside down, something about being around you made things start feeling right again. Even if we were in separate rooms or if we were right next to each other. Something about knowing you were good and only a door’s knock away, it makes things feel okay.”
I swallowed what felt like a boulder. “That trip…”
“It changed my life, Benji. You changed my life.”
“But… fuck, Rex. I don’t mean to be dramatic but… well, you kind of ruined mine.”
His eyes opened wide at that. He looked like a fish out of water, mouthing some words that didn’t add up well enough to form a proper sentence.
“You did,” I said. I’d already opened the wound, might as well address it fully.
“Okay, I think it’s time we talked about Costa Rica, then,” Rex said, crossing his arms, biceps looking good enough to take a bite out of.
Focus.
And not on those thick thighs or big arms.
“Fine,” I said, ready to open this can of galaxy-sized worms. “Let’s talk about it.”
Rex Madison
Six Years Ago
The plane’s engine started up, rumbling the aircraft with its powerful vibrations. I was sitting next to Mav, talking about what we’d do when we got back home. I didn’t want to leave—this trip had been incredible on so many fucking levels.
“I think I’m going to move to New York,” Mav said over the engines.
“Really?”
“Yeah, man, I need to spread my wings a little. Come with me. Your dad’s election is this year, shit’s going to get crazy. Just come up to the city with me.”
It sounded like a good plan, but… I looked over to the two rows ahead of us. Benji sat with his head already buried in a pillow, which was weird considering he normally was scared of flying.
We talked all weekend, just us two, about the kind of things we’d do together in Georgia. I promised him I’d come out. I even texted it to him that same morning, like I wanted to get it down on paper or something. I told him I’d talk to Mav, and that he’d understand. Maybe he’d be upset for a few days, a week max, but he’d come around. He’d realize what we both did; there was an undeniable fit between the two of us. We went together like salt and pepper, sun and star, air and wind.
Fucking hell, he was making me all Shakespeare over him.
“I don’t know, man,” I said. “I think I’m going to stay.”
“Shit, really?” Maverick’s eyebrows knit together. “You sure? Do you have a fever or something?”
It’s a fever all right.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I said, picturing my time with Benji from here on out.
“Damn, all right. Well, I’m officially shocked. Bamboozled.” Maverick sat back in his seat, the plane dipping as we approached our landing.
Shocked.
Fucking shocked.
How had I been the one to ruin Benji’s life? After I was the one who had been ghosted, set aside like a torn bag of rancid trash, thrown away as quickly as a piece of dog crap.
Heat rushed to my cheeks. At least he wanted to talk about it. Good, I’d be able to bring up exactly what I was feeling, and Benji would be able to address it head-on. No more of this festering under the surface shit.
“I thought everything was good between us, Benj. I sat on that plane ride home daydreaming about what a future with you would look like. I initially turned down Maverick’s plan to move with him. And then the plane landed, I go to talk to you and you flip.”
“I flip?” Benji seemed surprised.
“Yes.” I went full steam ahead, unloading the six years of pent-up emotions I had stored since that day. “I went to talk to you, I went to go tell you how fucking excited I was about things. I was going to show you the message I wrote to my dad. And then you started yelling at me, pushing me away. In front of everyone.”
“I’m in the twilight zone. This is the Upside Down, isn’t it?”
Benji’s confusion only worked to make me confused, dissipating some of the boiling frustration. “Are you saying you never went off on me?”
“No, I remember very clearly going off on you, but you’re acting as if I didn’t have a reason.”
“A reason? We had spent the entire night together, and like six nights before that.”
He shook his head. The light of the kitchen bounced off his light amber eyes. There was a quick flash of self-consciousness in that I wasn’t wearing a shirt, standing in Benji’s kitchen with my stomach out and a hand on my bare chest. I thought everyone would be knocked out at this time.
The thoughts of self-consciousness drifted away. This was Benji standing in front of me. The one who taught me to be okay with my body in the first place. He had shown me how to love myself, and he had done it with a hungry look in his eyes. I had a feeling I could be sans shirt and shorts and still be okay in front of him.
A very strong feeling.
“Rex,” Benji said, sounding exhausted. “If you’re just going to ignore it, then I might as well bring it up.”
“Ignore what?” I wanted to shout. Not at Benji, but at the situation that fucked us up to begin with. What could have been bad enough to have caused a six-year-long rift? I thought it had been Benji’s choice, thought he might have just gotten a frigid case of cold feet.
Benji grabbed his phone and started scrolling, flicking his finger down the screen, a blur of photos moving with his swipes. My brows knit together. I waited for him to find whatever he was looking for, having zero fucking idea of what it could possibly be.