Maybe it’s not the most original idea, but I think I was around eight when I mentally shot that film. I’ve developed some since then, as you’ll see in my included short films. My point is that I’ve been making films since I first understood that, if I didn’t like a story, I could change it. I could make my father the hero instead of the cheater, my mother the protector instead of the woman who saw me watching from the top of the stairs and baited him until he blamed me for his many affairs. I could cut the scenes I didn’t like and reshoot the ones I did. I could light them, edit them, control them until they were exactly what I wanted them to be. And when I discovered that I could do that for an audience and not just to escape a reality that I wanted to deny, that was when I began making the films that I’d only ever imagined before.
I thought they would all reflect the lifelong need that I’ve felt to escape, that the stories and feelings I wanted to create would be antidotes to my own life, but that’s not how I feel anymore, and those aren’t the only films I want to make.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve fully abandoned retelling my own stories. As long as I live with either of my parents, it’s what I have to do. Maybe even after that. I don’t know. I do know that I want more. I deserve more.
I want to tell love stories that maybe end as broken and as messy as they started. And ones that end happy and hopeful, as the girl realizes that happily-ever-after isn’t just a silver screen fantasy. And I want to adapt books—one in particular, but I have to wait for him to write it first.
Whether you accept me into your program or not—and you should—I have to make movies, so I will. Other people have to eat and breathe, but I have to make movies. I have to tell stories, because I can’t live any other way.
My name is Jolene Timber, and I’m a filmmaker.
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Keep reading for an excerpt from Even If I Fall by Abigail Johnson.
Author Note
Jolene’s story, though fictional, is true for too many people. On average, there are 321,500 victims (age twelve or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. Or to put it another way, every ninety-eight seconds, another person experiences sexual assault. The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the victim. Out of every one thousand sexual assaults, 310 are reported to the police, and of those cases, 93 percent of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator.
If you need help or need to talk to someone, RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation’s largest anti-sexual-violence organization, operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which offers free, confidential help and information 24/7 by phone (800-656-HOPE) and online (rainn.org and rainn.org/es).
Acknowledgments
People often ask me where the ideas for my books come from and my answer is always different: a single scene that popped into my head of a girl sitting on her roof at night talking to the older boy next door (If I Fix You), or an article about a DNA test that accidentally revealed an unknown sibling (The First to Know), or a simple prompt to write a summer love story that, to me, needed to involve a girl falling for the brother of her brother’s murder victim (Even If I Fall).
Every Other Weekend was inspired by an old episode of The Wonder Years where Kevin falls for a girl he meets on vacation and then has to leave her behind when he comes home. I started wondering about what it might have been like if they’d continued to see each other regularly, but briefly, and forged a relationship that was separate from their “real” lives back home. Adam and Jolene’s story evolved radically from that inspiration—they always do—and there are so many people who helped me along the way.
My agent, Kim Lionetti. Thank you for your unwavering faith in me and for your willingness to let me run with this story in particular.
My editor, Natashya Wilson. I think this has been our most challenging book to date because it’s essentially two books, Adam’s story and Jolene’s story, combined into one. I love how fiercely you loved Jolene from the start and how you completely fell for Adam, but more than that, I love how hard you pushed me to make this book do them justice.
Thank you to the phenomenally hardworking team at Inkyard Press and HarperCollins, including Gigi Lau for art direction and Marissa Korda for the spectacular cover art and design (the pigeons are EVERYTHING!), Justine Sha, Brittany Mitchell, Stephanie Choo, Chris Wolfgang, Ingrid Dolan, Shara Alexander, Linette Kim, Bress Braswell, Andrea Pappenheimer, Heather Foy, and the entire Harper Children’s sales team.
To my longtime critique partners, Sarah Guillory and Kate Goodwin, and to my Pitch Wars mentee turned critique partner, Rebecca Rode. Sarah and Kate, you guys have read this book in so many different forms and you told me which parts were crap even as you cheered me on to fix them. Best. CPs. Ever. And, Rebecca, I can’t wait to start inflicting, I mean sharing, future first drafts with you.
To my sister Mary Groen, who has asked me weekly for the past six years when this book was going to be ready because it was her favorite. The answer is now, today. Because of you.
To my sister Rachel and my brother Sam. Thanks for giving me so many good sibling stories to draw from.
To my parents, Gary and Suzanne Johnson. It is the greatest privilege of my life to make you proud.
To my family, Jill, Ross, Ken, Rick and Jeri, the Depew family, and my honorary brother Nate. I love you all so much.
To all my nieces and nephews, Grady (thanks for giving me the best band name ever), Rory, Sadie, Gideon, Ainsley, Ivy, Dexter, and Os. I have finally written all of you into one of my books! You’re now contractually obligated to say I’m your favorite aunt for eternity.
Thank you to my longtime friend and police officer, Laura Cervantes, for all of your help with certain aspects of this story. Any mistakes are my own.
To everyone who asked for more Daniel, thanks for letting me step back into his life a little. If you haven’t already and you want to read more about him, his story continues in If I Fix You.
I thank God for all the people who’ve read my books and told their friends about them, posted reviews, shared on social media, or written me letters. I wouldn’t be able to do this amazing job without you. Thank you.
Even If I Fall
by Abigail Johnson
Chapter 1
The car jolts back and forth, rocking Maggie and me along with it before stalling. Again. My nostrils flare and I dig my baby blue–painted nails into the steering wheel. Calm as you please, I pull the keys from the ignition, roll down the window and hurl them into the field of wild grass growing along the side of Boyer Road, less than a stone’s throw from the base of my long dirt driveway.
“Feel better?” Maggie’s mirrored sunglasses show me that the question is rhetorical. My left eye is twitching and the dimple in my chin has never been more prominent. I try to relax my jaw as I tuck the dark brown strands of my not-quite-shoulder-length hair behind my ears, but my reflection doesn’t change much. With the window open and the A/C off, there is no ignoring the sauna-like June heat rolling in as the sun reaches the height of the day. It’s the kind of hot and muggy that wrings every drop of moisture—and optimism—from my body, leaving me limp and heavy in the steamy afternoon air.