I locked the door and grinned at her.
No ringing in my ears.
No feelings of depression.
No pain.
Her gaze flitted to my hand that turned the lock. “They’ll wake up any second, Mr. Alexander.” The way her eyebrow quirked into a crooked peak did nothing to help her case. It reminded me of all the things I loved about Evelyn Alexander.
In some ways it broke a tiny part of my heart too. Just minutes earlier, her best friend touched me … took away my pain. But it didn’t make me want Lila. It made me want my wife. That had to mean something. That had to be what mattered most.
“You won’t let me say what I want to say …” I took two steps in her direction. She looked like an angel booted out of Heaven—a wicked grin, nearly white messy hair, and a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “So I have to show you.” I grabbed her waist and jerked her into my body. The brush from her hand fell to the tile.
She cringed. “Oops …”
“Mom?” Franz’s sleepy voice called from the bedroom.
“Ma,” Anya mumbled.
Lifting onto her toes, she planted a kiss at the corner of my mouth with her full, upturned lips. “You’ve been a little frisky on this trip. Why is that?”
Why? Well, because it was pretty damn incredible to make love to my wife without feeling her best friend’s emotional and physical distress.
Just so many words I couldn’t say to her.
“I took time off work, but my dick never takes a vacation. He’s always hard at work.”
“I see. Dick is quite the competitor. I’m not going to lie … I like good, stiff competition.” She grabbed Dick. (Yes, his official name was born in that moment. A fitting name without pretense or too much pomp and circumstance.)
I narrowed my eyes. “And I like it when you give me the world’s biggest boner as our spawns climb out of bed to make their way to—”
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Us.” I sighed.
“I’d better go. Sorry. Hate to leave you hanging.” She released me and winked.
“Bobbing,” I grumbled. “You’re leaving me bobbing. I’d prefer it to hang. But it won’t at the moment.”
Evie giggled, unlocking the door and shooting me her evil angel smirk. “He’s such a dick.”
“The biggest one ever.” I, too, had an evil smirk.
“Fact.” She opened the door. “How was your nap, babies?”
“I not a baby.” Franz rubbed his eyes, his blond hair unruly like his mom’s hair.
Anya bypassed Evie’s outstretched arms in pursuit of me. I told Dick to chill the fuck out. My daughter didn’t need to see him showing off for her mom. Mini Me with her jet-black hair and dark eyes nuzzled into my neck as I carried her out of the bedroom. Her tiny hands patted my back. Anya always patted my back when I hugged her. She didn’t do it to Evie, just me. I swear she knew I needed it. I needed that nonverbal “You’re okay, Daddy.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Lila
Evelyn and Graham had sex—in college.
I didn’t have sex with Ronin. I just let him hold me. It damn near brought me to tears. For those silent minutes in his arms, I didn’t think about dying. I didn’t feel any pain. I simply felt needed.
The rest of our holiday in the Hamptons went well. With the exception of feeling Ronin’s eyes on me more often than usual, I think we met and exceeded Evelyn’s expectations. Graham removed his political hat and spent our time in the Hamptons playing with the kids, golfing with Ronin, and pinning me to every surface of the bedroom to have sex.
It was rough, but that was just him. The fact that he could have found another bed to sleep in at night yet chose to sleep next to me, gave me a spark of hope that we would be fine. In spite of all the issues with my health over the previous year, I thought we might be able to salvage something and make the most of it for as long as possible. I didn’t believe anyone was truly unredeemable.
“Do you think treatment will cure your cancer?” Graham asked as we entered the foyer after arriving home from the airport.
Without a pause in my stride, I climbed up the right side of the dual grand stairway. “I hope so,” I murmured.
He followed me. The warm bubble from our time away popped, and I felt the cold shiver of reality again.
“You researched this? Leukemia and bruising?”
“Yes.” I continued to my bedroom.
“Who else have you told?”
I grunted a laugh. “No one. Don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with my illness in the news.”
“Lila.” Graham grabbed my arm.
I flinched.
He loosened his grip. “I’m sorry this happened to us. But I’m going to do everything in my power to fix it.”
I tugged my arm from his hold and turned toward him, tears in my eyes. “This didn’t happen to us like a kitchen fire. You get that, right? You get how scared I am. Right? You get that every time you look at Evelyn the way you do, it hurts as much as my cancer diagnosis.”
Maybe. Just maybe if he saw just how much he hurt me on so many levels, he would stop. Something would click in his brain.
He blew a breath out of his nose, taking a step back and crossing his arms over his chest while taunting me with his ridiculous smirk. “And how exactly do I look at Evelyn? Because from my vantage point, I’ve chased you for years. I’ve voiced all the things about you that I find far superior to Evelyn.”
“She’s your friend. You shouldn’t degrade her in any way. You shouldn’t compare her to anyone else. You should respect her. Her life choices. Her husband. Her children.” I swatted at a tear that escaped. “And I am your wife. You shouldn’t degrade me emotionally or physically. You shouldn’t compliment me by putting down someone you feel has inferior qualities to me. Over the past few days, I got a glimpse of who you used to be—kind, fun, and loving. I fell in love with the man who took care of my best friend while I traveled the world. I fell in love with the way you cared for Evelyn—not me … Evelyn. Kindness is attractive. I miss the kind man I married. But I had the opportunity to see him again, and it gave me hope. Don’t rip it away. Fix. You. Graham. And I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”
The muscles in his jaw pulsed as he drew in a slow breath, hands fisted. Regret knocked at my conscience, scolding me for saying those things to him, but I didn’t let it in. I stood brave and strong, willing to accept his reaction. The days of regretting my feelings were over.
“You’re right.” His forehead wrinkled as he nodded slowly, gaze dropping to his feet. “I can do better. When my term is over, I will make more time for family, especially the kids.”
Hope.
There it was. I craved that hope.
“I want that.” I salvaged a smile from that tiny spark of hope. “I’d started to give up hope that we would have children.”
“Oh …” Graham lifted his gaze to me. “I mean Franz and Anya.” He reached for my face and my whole body hardened like a statue. “People with leukemia don’t have babies.” On a shrug, he brushed his thumb over my lips. “You can’t wait forever to start treatment because you told Ronin. The clock has started. Even if he doesn’t tell Evie, he’s going to expect you to fight this. So if you weren’t prepared to be sick and unable to participate in future plans with the rest of us, if you weren’t prepared to spend your days in bed resting, if you weren’t prepared to lose your hair, then you shouldn’t have told him.”