Not that night.
“You’ve been crying.” She tilted her head to the side, eyes squinted as she threaded her arms through her cardigan. Sue always wore a cardigan, even in the summer.
On a shrug, I returned a half smile.
Sue reached for my hand, giving it a squeeze. “It’s a lot—raising a family, working full-time, nourishing a marriage, and trying to deal with grief when it feels eternal.”
Trapping my lower lip between my teeth, I nodded. Her words could have been my words. More than that, they could have been my mom’s words. We guard ourselves from negativity and hate, yet kindness and empathy pack the biggest punch because they expose our vulnerability.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No—” I cleared the frog from my throat. “No. Thank you, though. Your words helped.”
Sue released my hand and chuckled. “I’m not sure about that. But if you say so.” She slipped on her shoes.
“They reminded me that it’s okay to feel. Since feelings get in the way sometimes, it’s easy to suppress them as a means to get through the day. Go to work. Be a mom. I was late getting home because I pulled off along the side of the road and let myself feel for a few minutes.”
Another sad expression stole Sue’s face. How could it not? I had to pull off the road to cry and miss my mom without wearing that stupid I’m-okay mask. Even if I didn’t degrade myself and call it pathetic, it was, at the very least, really sad.
“I’m good now.” I smiled at Franz waltzing toward me, holding a new Lego creation, a shark of some sort.
“Okay. Goodnight, then.”
Sue left me in the middle of a mess with my two favorite people on Earth. “That’s an amazing shark.” I squatted next to him.
“It’s a swordfish, Mommy. Not a shark.” He handed it to me, wearing a contagious grin.
“Silly me.” After inspecting it, I handed it back to him.
He ran back to his room, and I crawled toward Anya. She giggled as I nuzzled my face into the top of the blanket to find her, kissing her cheeks and neck.
“What do you say…” I eased onto my side and hugged her to me “…we go get pizza since Daddy is having dinner with Noah.”
“Yes!” Franz yelled from his room as Anya gave me her own version of excitement with a “Yes!” She mastered mimicking her big brother.
Turning a blind eye to the messy house, we piled into the Jeep and drove to our favorite pizza joint. The waitress ushered us to a booth toward the back corner of the restaurant.
“Daddy!” Franz made a beeline to the opposite side of the restaurant to a booth by a window next to the outdoor patio.
My heart stopped. As sure as Lila’s heart stopped that day on the mountain and Ronin’s did too, my heart stopped when I watched Franz crawl into the booth next to Ronin because Noah was not the person on the opposite side. Noah didn’t have chin-length black hair, and he didn’t wear red lipstick. He didn’t have a petite body with ample cleavage.
“I’ll set your menus at the far booth,” the waitress said. “I’ll get your drink orders when you’re ready.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. My body remained still, like my heart and my lungs, in the middle of the restaurant. As Anya tried to wriggle out of my arms, I blinked and my heart restarted with a faint beat. Ronin kissed Franz’s head, wearing a pensive expression—a guilty expression.
No one ever imagines their life ending on a Monday night in the middle of a pizza joint, yet there I was, watching my life fall apart with my kids oblivious to the destruction. To keep from dropping Anya in her attempt to follow her brother, I tightened my grip and forced my numb body to cross the restaurant.
Did he see it?
The betrayal.
The anger.
The complete destruction.
I never … ever imagined Ronin having an affair. And I certainly never imagined finding out in a restaurant with our two kids.
“You should have told me you were thinking pizza tonight,” Ronin said, eyeing me like a cop eyed a criminal holding a gun.
“I made a swordfish, Daddy!” Franz had no clue.
I couldn’t look at Ronin, not for one more second. My gaze shifted to the woman in the seat across from him.
“Adrianne, this is my wife, Evelyn.” His voice shook.
It. Fucking. Shook.
“Evelyn, this is Adrianne. She’s a friend from, um …”
A slight wrinkle formed along Adrianne’s forehead as her brown eyes flitted to my bumbling husband. God! She looked twenty-five.
“Nice to meet—”
“Franz,” I cut off Adrianne, “the waitress is waiting to take our order. Let’s go.” I fought Anya’s efforts to escape from my hold while grabbing Franz’s hand.
“Noah just left. He’ll be disappointed he missed seeing you guys,” Ronin’s lies fell on deaf ears as I dragged my kids to the booth.
“I want to sit by Daddy.”
“Franz, Daddy is done eating. You can see him later.”
Two glasses. There were two glasses at his table.
Two.
Two glasses.
Two plates.
One empty pizza pan.
Noah would have made three.
On some sort of super mommy autopilot, I ordered our pizza and drinks. I stiffened, as Ronin approached our table in my peripheral vision.
He bent over and kissed Anya’s head as she played in the highchair with crayons and a coloring sheet. “Listen, before you guys arrived, I offered to give Adrianne a ride home. She lives about two miles from here, and it’s dark. But I can tell her I can’t if—”
“You should give her a ride home.” I stared at my water, jaw set. If I looked at him, he would know how much he just destroyed my world. And I didn’t want him to see that in front of the kids.
Without another word, he weaved his way toward the exit.
I didn’t eat a bite of pizza or take a single sip of water. Mommy super autopilot fed my kids, wiped faces, and paid the bill.
“Daddy!” Franz broke free from my hand the second he saw Ronin leaning against the front of the Jeep.
I unlocked the doors as if he wasn’t there. When he tried to take Anya from me, I jerked my torso.
“Evie …”
I fastened her into her seat while Ronin made sure Franz was secured in his seat.
“Move,” I said, staring at his black boots. His jeans and T-shirt-clad body rested against the driver’s door, hands tucked into his front pockets.
“I’m driving you home.”
I didn’t give a shit to the whereabouts of his car. All I knew was I didn’t want him driving me home. Looking at me. Talking to me. Anything … I didn’t want anything he had to offer at that moment.
“Evie … don’t let your mind go there. It’s not what you think.”
“What I think is I need to get the kids to bed. I have a messy house to pick up. I need a shower. Get the fuck out of my way!”
I hoped Franz couldn’t hear us. My barely restrained anger threw out the F-bomb, and I instantly regretted it. Ronin grabbed my wrist and pried the key from my hand. Had the kids not been there, I would have walked home or taken a cab.
We drove home in silence. The late dinner put the kids to sleep before we pulled into the garage. Ronin shut off the ignition and reached for my hand. I jerked it away from him and climbed out of the Jeep.