It was slow motion. It was a fraction of an inch at a time that we came together. Reluctant, but inevitable. I broke my gaze to check the look in his eyes. They were pools of fire and confusion and so much restraint.
“Libby?” His voice was barely audible. “Are you sure you—” I cut off his words by pulling his mouth down to meet mine. I was done with reluctance and restraint.
I wanted to dive into this moment and lose myself in it. I wanted him to make me forget about everything that was hurting inside me. But when his lips started moving against mine, they felt…different. Not bad, but just different. Not Jonas. I was so surprised by the incongruity that I slowed and just let myself feel.
And what I started to feel…was overwhelming. Because the way that Sean kissed me was like…he worshipped me. Adoration and gentle passion poured off of him. The fingers that grazed down my cheek quivered as his other hand pressed into my back. Pulling me closer.
The enormity of his love for me crashed into my chest and suddenly I felt like a terrible person.
Guilt poured in. I was using him. Like some sort of numbing drug, I was using Sean to chase away my pain because I knew he would. I knew how he felt and I was taking advantage of that.
I pulled my mouth away from his and buried my face in his chest. My breath was labored, not just from the kiss, but from the effort required to keep my panic at bay. “I’m sorry,” I practically squeaked.
His chest rose and fell. His breath was labored and his pulse quick. “What are you sorry about?”
“That was wrong of me. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” I pulled out of his arms and fled to my room, a hand clamped over my mouth.
How many times would I run from him? How many times would he put up with it?
Sinking onto my bed, I had a total meltdown. Heaving sobs of confusion and humiliation.
And guilt.
I loved Jonas. Still.
But I may have loved Sean too.
He knocked on my door. “Libby,” he pleaded.
I pounded my fist into the mattress beside me. “You can’t help with this, Sean. Please just go home.”
“That’s not fair.”
“You want to talk about fair?” I cried, feeling I was quite an expert on unfair, seeing as how I was pregnant and widowed.
“Yes, I do,” he called through the door. “I’ve given you space. Lots of space. I’ve let you throw your walls up whenever you needed to. I’ve backed away, again and again, but that…” The pause was bloated and uncomfortable. “That was not just about you. That was about me too, so can you please just…talk to me?”
I didn’t answer, hoping my stubbornness would drive him away and delay this conversation.
“Why did you do that?” I could hear the ache in his voice, even through the door. “And then why did you run away? Just tell me which one was real. Did…did the kiss mean something? Because it wasn’t muscle memory this time. This wasn’t a goodbye peck on the mouth. I can’t relegate that kiss to a mistake, Libby. Did you mean it when you kissed me? Or did you mean it when you pushed me away?”
“Both!” I could say that with perfect confidence.
“How can it be both?” He shook the door handle and pounded once on the door.
I shut my eyes, wincing. Hating that I had done something so unfair to him. But I tried to answer the question. “It’s both because I did want to kiss you. I do want to kiss you.”
“Then come out here and let me kiss you!”
“I can’t!” I cried, hugging my belly. “It comes with too much guilt, and too much confusion. It feels so right and so wrong all at the same time. If we’re ever going to be together, I don’t want to feel guilty about it.”
He didn’t argue back, but I heard the distinct thump of his forehead hitting my door. Finally he said, “Do you think that’s even possible? Do you think any of the firsts you have after Jonas are going to feel right? Or do you think maybe…”
I held my breath, waiting.
“Maybe you just need to jump in? Rip off the Band-aid? Wade through the…conflict?”
I winced. “I’m not going to use you as an experiment. You don’t deserve that.”
“I’m asking for it!” He pounded on the door again. “I’m asking you to be brave enough to let me love you!”
“I can’t lose you as a friend, Sean.”
“Then trust me when I say I will always be here. I will always be your friend.”
He paused, maybe waiting for me to respond, but I didn’t have the words. Not yet. I didn’t know if I could be that brave, if I could risk what felt like the most vital relationship I had.
“We’ll always be friends, Libs. But we could also be so much more.”
I got up and walked over to the door. But I didn’t open it. I wasn’t ready to open it yet. Instead I laid my head against it. “I’m sorry,” I said through the door.
“Sorry for what?”
“I’m sorry I’m being unfair to you. I’m sorry that I used you just now.”
“How did you use me?” He sounded genuinely confused.
“I was…extra sad. And I just wanted to feel something good.”
Silence for a moment, then, “And did it feel good?” There was a teasing note to his voice now.
I laughed through the tears that continued to threaten, then nodded to myself. “Yes. It was…” The feeling of being kissed by Sean swept over me again, leaving my heart thrumming and wishing for more. But all those good feelings were quickly chased by the guilt.
So I stayed put, my head and my hand pressed to the door that I couldn’t bring myself to open.
After several minutes of strained silence, I heard a deep sigh. “I’m going to go pick up something to eat, okay?”
I swallowed hard, then forced myself to talk. “Okay. Thank you.”
The sound of his footsteps retreated, and I heard the back door open and close.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The look in your eye as your finger traced my jaw
The sadness that swam in those pools of blue
I want to heal the hurt and fill the flaws
I could make you whole, just let me love you
—Sean Amity
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Naomi picked up on the fourth ring. “Hey, Libs.”
“I kissed him!” I confessed without preamble.
“Good for you!” She sounded so excited.
“No, not good for me,” I argued. “Bad for me. Very, very bad.”
“Why?”
“Because!” Did she not see all of the problems with this??
“You’re going to have to do better than that, Libby. He adores you and you’re falling for him. What’s the problem?”
“It’s been less than six months! Moving on with another man would be a huge betrayal.”
My own words seemed to echo back at me for a moment before she responded. “I can understand how it would feel that way. But you’re not tossing Jonas aside. You’re never going to not love Jonas, Libby. So if you’re ever going to be with anyone else, you’ll need to figure out a way to make room for both.”