My eyes swept down his frame. Even in just jeans and a t-shirt, that man was fine.
“Hi,” I said softly.
He closed the door behind her and looked at me. The intensity of his gaze sucked the air from my lungs, and I was overcome with emotion.
“Hey.”
“I didn’t hear back from you, so I assumed our plans were still on.”
“I woke up late and it threw my morning off. I missed breakfast with Angel, so she showed up here half an hour ago. That’s why I didn’t call back yet.”
“Oh okay.” I shifted nervously from one foot to the other. “I should’ve told you about it,” I blurted out. “I’m sorry.”
He folded his arms across his broad chest. “Why didn’t you?”
“I didn’t think about it in the moment and then we got off the phone and… it’s a big misunderstanding.”
“Heaven said she had forgotten to give you something so when Angel wanted to go to the lounge that you were headed to, she planned to drop it off to you. She said she saw you holding hands and looking real…cozy. That was the word she used.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. This cannot be happening.
“It really wasn’t like that,” I groaned, staring up at him. “I can understand how it would look to someone from the outside, but it wasn’t like that. But yes, I did avoid telling him over the phone because I needed to tell him in person. I needed to work through my own shit. I needed to have one last conversation with him. It wasn’t a date. It was a conversation so I could say goodbye.”
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me, searching my eyes. “What are you not telling me?”
It was like he could see through me. I tried to look away, but his gaze held me hostage.
“It was about my dad,” I admitted. “I needed to have a conversation with Jordan because I felt like my dad was sending me signs that he wanted me to be with Jordan.”
Saint’s expression hardened as if he was steeling himself away from me. I wanted to reach out, but I also couldn’t bear it if he recoiled from my touch. I didn’t want to hurt my own feelings, so I didn’t do anything except continue speaking.
“Jordan teaches psychology at HU and we had all the same psychological conversations that Dad and I used to have. Then, the other day, I went to tell him that I chose you and before I could say anything, he gave me a gift. It was my dad’s favorite book.” I paused, watching the tension in his face. “And I felt just felt…”
“Confused?” he guessed.
“Kind of.” When he didn’t say anything, I added, “I just needed to sort out my thoughts.”
He was silent, but I could almost see the wheels turning behind his eyes.
“More conflicted than confused,” I clarified.
He nodded slowly. “I get it.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “You do?”
“Yeah.” He gave me a small smile. “But I’m not confused or conflicted about you—”
“I’m not—”
“—about my feelings or what I want.”
“I’m not either,” I argued quietly.
“I knew you weren’t ready to give up your single life, but I wanted to believe it.”
“Saint, I am.” My voice trembled. “I’m here because I am.”
Rule number five: Don’t catch feelings.
There was a resignation in his eyes, in his tone, and in the distance between us. I felt the impact of what he was about to say before he said it.
“I saw your hesitation when you told me you were ready, and I ignored it because I wanted it to be true. And as much as I like you, I can’t put myself through it again.”
I opened my mouth to say something and then I snapped it shut.
There was so much I wanted to say, but if I explained myself any further, I was going to breakdown. It was hard enough to hold back the tears. If he had already made up his mind, I needed to accept that and exit the situation with as little damage as possible.
I nodded, unable to speak. A minute passed before I exhaled shakily. “Okay.”
The corners of his mouth turned downward slightly as my answer hung between us. He swallowed hard and broke eye contact, looking out into the distance. “I should get back inside.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He met my gaze as he took a step backward. The hurt in his eyes matched what I felt.
“You look beautiful, by the way,” he uttered.
“You, too.” I started to turn around and then I remembered. “Oh, I got this for you,” I told him, handing him the bag. “The big envelope needs to go back to Heaven.”
“What is it?”
“Open it later. When you’re alone.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I rolled my shoulders back and walked confidently to my car. My vision was blurry from tears, but I refused to let them fall. Pulling out of the parking space, I suppressed sobs until I reached the Birchwood Manor entrance sign.
Then I broke down and cried the entire way to the wireless store.
*****
Chapter 11
“I think it’ll be good for you to get out of the house, Zola,” Kia said gently almost a week later. “Our Thursday nights at Black Lotus are a tradition and I’m going to be honest… I’m concerned.”
“There’s nothing for you to be concerned about,” I replied, rolling over in bed.
“Zo…” Her tone was soft, kind and her eyes were wide and worried. “You left Saint’s house and you changed. You changed your number. You changed your hair. You changed your nails. You changed your wardrobe. And then you changed your plans for the weekend because you drove home and locked yourself inside. You haven’t left the house in six days.”
I pushed myself up against my pillows. “I haven’t needed to leave. Nothing to worry about.”
She reached over and grabbed my hand. “Feeling sad about Saint is a good thing. It just proves your capacity to love.”
“I never said I loved him,” I corrected her quickly.
Squeezing my hand when I tried to pull away, she gave me a small smile. “You didn’t have to say it.”
“It was a few weeks. It wasn’t love. It was…” I couldn’t come up with an alternate word to describe how I felt. “It wasn’t love.”
“You didn’t see the way your entire soul lit up when you talked about him.”
“Is this supposed to be helping me?” I questioned, pulling at the comforter. “Because reminding me of my feelings isn’t helping me get over my feelings.”
“Sitting in your room and wallowing isn’t helping either.” She got off the bed and pointed to the bathroom. “You need to shower, put on one of your new outfits, and get out of here.”
I started to argue, but she gave me a look. With her hands on her hips, she leaned forward. “If I’m remembering correctly, my boyfriend had a whole wife and to cheer me up, we went to Black Lotus. And now that’s what we’re going to do. It doesn’t even have to be open mic night. We can go to dinner somewhere. Or we can go to the movies. We can go anywhere you want, but you are leaving this room. We are leaving this loft.”