I went to my bedroom to review my list of things that a hero needs and put a check mark next to “A powerful weapon” and underlined “treasure.” Then I did push-ups and sit-ups, and after that I went on YouTube to learn about how to properly fight with a sword.
Gert stuck his head into the room and said he was going out to his study group and would be back in a few hours.
“There’s dinner in the fridge,” he said, and saw the YouTube videos.
He asked what I was doing and I told him preparing for battle.
chapter six
Now that I had a real weapon, I could learn to defeat villains more skillfully. But I was not very good at sword-fighting yet. According to the sword-fighting videos on YouTube, there are three ways to attack using a sword.
Thrust: Poke the sword at your enemy.
Parry: Stop your enemy from stabbing you.
Slash: Not poking, but trying to stop your enemy by cutting them with the sword.
I practiced each of them in the basketball court outside of the apartment until it got dark, pretending that Grendel, who is the most monstrous villain in the Viking story Beowulf, was in front of me. One of the things I’ve learned is that Grendels can hide inside people, pretending to be human beings until they decide to attack.
All of the VILLAINS on my list probably had Grendels inside.
For example, Uncle Richard, who Gert and I used to live with, was a complete shit-heel, and Gert defeated him in combat and could have probably ripped Uncle Richard’s head clean off, but I asked him to be a hero and he did not rip Uncle Richard’s head off, even though Uncle Richard was a villain who deserved it.
Uncle Richard was the first person I met who had a Grendel inside. He looked like a regular person, but sometimes, especially when he was drunk, he became villainous. When he was the most villainous, he hit Gert with a beer bottle and cut the top of his head.
The other villains on my list were also Grendels. I practiced defeating the man in the red hat from the poker game, and also Toucan, and also Sarah-Beth, but I stopped battling her, because I decided she wasn’t actually a villain. She was just annoying.
Dr. Laird once asked me to describe the Grendels. He told me to talk about them in whatever way was most helpful.
“What they look like, what they sound like, what happens when they come. Whatever.”
He even gave me a pad of paper to draw them. The problem was most of the time I could only hear them grumbling. Sometimes they came in my dreams, or I would turn very fast when bad things were happening and I could only see their tails or hairy legs.
In high school, before he dropped out, Gert read a book called Grendel. He said it was the one book he actually liked in English class.
“I’m familiar with the novel,” Dr. Laird said. “Is that the first time you read about Grendel?”
I nodded my head and told Dr. Laird that Grendel is a villain and gets what he deserves. Dr. Laird asked me what I meant by that.
“Grendel attacks the Vikings and eats one of them, like a villain,” I said.
“Did you read the novel?”
I shook my head. “Gert read it and told me about it, and then I read Kepple’s Guide to the Vikings.”
“Well,” Dr. Laird said, “it’s sort of a backward interpretation.”
He told me that you’re supposed to read the book and feel sorry for Grendel, even though he does bad things. “He can’t help it. It’s in his nature.”
I did not like that version of the story, because it made the Viking hero a villain and the monstrous villain a hero.
“Sometimes good people do bad things,” Dr. Laird said. “And sometimes things aren’t as simple as good and evil.”
“The Grendels are evil,” I said.
“Well,” Dr. Laird said, “maybe the Grendels you’re talking about are pure evil. But regular monsters are more complicated.”
* * *
After vanquishing Grendels with my Viking sword on the basketball court, I went back home and turned on my computer and began typing.
Dear Dr. Kepple,
I have more questions.
First, I know that Beowulf defeated Grendel in the most famous Viking epic. But are there more than one Grendel? Dr. Laird says that whenever I hear Grendels coming they aren’t the real Grendel. Is it possible the real Grendel survived Beowulf’s attacks and hid for all these years?
Second, I was recently given a Viking sword for my birthday. It has powerful runes that I would like your opinion on, but the Contact Form on your website does not allow me to attach pictures like an e-mail. Is there a way I can send you a picture of the sword?
Skál,
Zelda
I clicked SEND and saw that it was getting late in the evening. I texted Gert asking him where he was and what time he would be home. We have a rule that if he is going to come home late, he texts to tell me.
I made myself dinner using a very special Waffle Pizza recipe that belongs to Gert and me. First, you have to take the can of tomato sauce, pour it into a bowl, and microwave it for one minute. While it is microwaving you put frozen waffles into the toaster. If you do it correctly, the sauce and the waffles will be ready at the same time. Then you put the tomato sauce onto the waffles, and then cheese slices onto the tomato sauce, and meat onto that.
Gert texted while I was making the Waffle Pizza to say that he would be home very late and to not wait up. It was getting late and I began to worry about his Midterm. A warrior needs to be rested before facing a challenge that big.
After Waffle Pizza I did my routine of brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, and changing into my pajamas. I smelled under my armpits and decided I did not need a shower.
Before going to sleep I made sure I set my alarm clock so that I could wake up early and wish Gert happ on his Midterm.
I had not been asleep for very long when a noise outside of my room woke me up.
I always know when Gert is drunk because he runs into things and makes a lot of noise. Lying down in my bed, I could hear him laughing, and then laughing in a weird way until I realized that his weird way of laughing was someone else.
A woman who was a stranger and not AK47.
The Vow, which in Old Norse is called a heit, we have is that whenever one of us wants to bring someone the other one doesn’t know into the apartment, we tell the other members of the tribe, which right now is Gert and me but it used to be AK47 too.
After Gert and AK47 broke up, Gert was bringing all kinds of strangers into the house late at night. I couldn’t sleep and many times the strangers and Gert were very drunk. I do not like people who are drunk in general and especially not Gert, since Mom was drunk when I was in her stomach and that is why I am different, which is a better way of saying retarded. Gert did not drink very much when he and AK47 were together.
Now he drinks a lot.
It was 1:23 a.m., even though it was less than five hours since I had gone to sleep and sent Marxy text messages about kissing videos on YouTube.
I walked to my door, turning the handle really quietly until a line of light came in.
From my bedroom I could only see half of the living room. The other thing I could see was the hallway and the bathroom door. Gert was in his jeans and his sweatshirt, falling around, going from the kitchen to the living room and saying things under his breath.